Testing, testing, one, two, three, Ed Brown lecture, July 23rd, 2003. Were you out there for the rain today? Isn't that amazing? It almost clouds the sky. Miracles. July. I wanted to tell you a couple of stories. Many of you know that at the end of our sessions here, we often have a question and answer period with the Abbott or the leader of the practice.

[01:07]

It's a formal ceremony. So, one by one, the students come forward to the teacher and ask a question and then the teacher responds. It's rather formal and at times quite theatrical and sometimes quite a bit of fun. One time, someone asked Suzuki Rishi, why do we suffer? And he said, no reason. And another time someone asked him, why do we suffer? And he said, ignorance. So, that's more classic, you know. But there was one of these ceremonies where Katagiri Rishi had been leading the practice period. So, people would ask him, whatever they asked, pretty much, he would say, go wash your face.

[02:12]

So, you're allowed to ask more than one question. So, pretty soon people started saying, go wash my face and then what? And he'd say, wash your face again. Or he'd say, go wash your face and see. So, that was, in a certain sense, rather mystifying. But, you know, it's very sad, don't you think? This is not so different than, Monday I mentioned Suzuki Rishi saying, Shikantaza arzazen is just to be ourselves. And there happens to be, of course, this Katagiri Rishi's response to the questions, go wash your face.

[03:23]

And Katagiri Rishi was kind of rather dry and rather formal. So, it wasn't said lightly, you know, or casually, go wash your face. You know, kind of deadpan. But there is a story which perhaps relates to it, you know, that if you do happen to have a little piece of shit on the tip of your nose, whatever happens, it's probably not going to smell good. So, the wake-up bell rings and you think, this is terrible, I don't want to get up. And then you put it on your clothes. Ew, this is awful. And then you're going to the meditation hall. Oh, this stinks. So, all through the day, you have a terrible, you have this sort of sense of, there is something that smells.

[04:26]

And, of course, the answer is, wash your face. So, but it's not always so easy to, like, how do you do this, wash your face? How do you, how do you wash your face? Or, and face, of course, is, or can be, just another word for mind, consciousness. Wash your mind, wash your consciousness. And there's not, I love it that there's not some simple, obvious way to do this. You know, why, I mean, can't you just, and how do you know whether your mind has been washed or not? Or any moment of experience, how do you know whether this is the one where you've washed your face, or you're washing your face, or, you know, you've got shit on your nose, or you don't, or, what is it? So, it's a bit of, a little problematic.

[05:28]

So, in theory, we're doing various things in Buddhism, and in Zen practice, and in yoga, and sensory awareness, to wake up, just to experience a moment with a fresh mind, a mind that, or a face that doesn't have a little shit on the nose, and where we're, where we're coloring it. I, in, I love this story Gil Fronsdale tells about being in Japan, he said, everywhere he went in Asia, people like, the monks like to rake. And in Japan, they say, when you rake, just rake. And that's Zen, you know, when you rake, just rake. Throw yourself into it, gambate. And in Southeast Asia, they say, when you rake, watch your mind. So, in Japan, sometimes the monks are raking. In Southeast Asia, sometimes they're just standing there.

[06:33]

So, how do you know, you know? Did one practice, was one practice better than the other one? I told that to Mel one time, and Mel said, I guess, I guess they think their minds are still up here. They're watching their mind, holding the rake. Well, I also wanted to share with you one of my favorite, it's not exactly a favorite teaching, but it's something that stayed with me that Suzuki Roshi said. He said, one day in Sashin, some of you may have heard this, he said, the problems you are now experiencing will continue for the rest of your life. And we all laughed. We weren't actually discouraged, like, oh my God.

[07:47]

It's actually kind of a relief that there's not something wrong with us, we're still having the same problems that we've had all this time. You know, we're not at fault, we're not remiss. We still get expectations, or we still want to improve, or various things. We don't want to be angry, we want to be loving, we want to be kind, we'd like to be patient, various things. And we have various difficulties. And then, it's not clear whether the difficulties are curses or blessings. In my case, I think my difficulty or weak point, and Suzuki Roshi said in a similar vein, don't spend your whole life trying to avoid or protect your weak point. You don't want to spend your whole life hiding your weak point. You know, doing something where you present an image to everyone that's not exactly you,

[08:52]

and sort of protects or hides the kind of problem or difficulty you have. You don't exactly want to, you know, spew your problem out there, all over everyone. But on the other hand, it's a little, you know, limiting. You're limiting yourself, or you're in the prison, actually, of having to perform or behave in a way that protects your weak point. Then you end up blaming others, you know, who might have noticed something, you know, your weak point. No, I don't have that weak point, you have that weak point. So you do other things rather than acknowledging your weak point. And that becomes a kind of prison or limitation, and it's not possible to be liberated. Then from that, you know, the point is to be liberated from that kind of behavior. So to be liberated from your limiting behaviors, you'd have to expose or allow people to see your weak point. And sometimes I think it's rather unfortunate, but I felt oftentimes that I haven't been very good at being a Zen student

[09:57]

because people can see how emotional I am, and how intense I am, and how frustrated and angry and sad and morose and moody, you know. And everybody knows it. And I'd rather be a Zen student. That seems to me like, you know, how I'd like to be seen, you know, developed, mature. And somehow it's never worked out. And I still don't exactly fit in at Zen Center. I don't live here, you know, I live somewhere else. And on the other hand, you know, so on one hand, it's kind of, it's been endless kind of source of difficulty for me or a problem. And it's very intense, and, you know, I'm not easy to live with, and various things.

[11:03]

So, and then on the other hand, you know, I have a lot of, that having a lot of feelings means, you know, I relate intensely, I relate very much to things, and I'm very close to things. And I'm also very creative. And, you know, and I've written books, and I take photographs, and I put them on cards, and I sell them. And I've studied, you know, massage and integrated awareness, mindfulness touch, and change, you know, liberation through handwriting. And, you know, it's sort of endless, you know. And so I'm, and then I have a lot of feeling for and with people, and I connect and relate to people. And so, you know, on one hand, it's difficult and a problem, and on the other hand, it's my life, it's my blessing, it's who I am, it's my gift. And I should, you know, to share with everyone. So should I hide it, or do I find a way to, you know, share it and offer it?

[12:07]

So, this is a kind of challenge we have, I think. Or, anyway, when Suzuki Rishi said that the problems you are now experiencing will continue, I thought he would say, until you're more enlightened than you are now. Until you understand things better. Until you see more clearly, you know, something like this. And then he said, for the rest of your life. And I thought, that can't be true. I can work through some of these problems. And it's only 35 years now, or something, or 30 years, and by golly, he was right. I still have the same problems. And if nothing else, you've got the basic, you know, even if you don't have your problems, you've got the problem that, you know, the world, you know, pollution, the environment, the government, the war.

[13:18]

And you've got transiency and impermanence, and you've got greed, hate, delusion, you've got heat, you've got cold. You know, you've got wounds and, you know, bones breaking and, you know, car accidents and deaths in the family and, you know, I mean, they're not going anyplace, any of those problems. You know, any of the basic things that might upset us or disturb us aren't going anyplace. They're not going to be gone anytime soon. We're not going to suddenly live in a different world. And so it's a little, it's a little sort of reality check, too. You know, what do we do? So, you know, our practice, as Suzuki said, just to be yourself, just to be ourselves, what would that look like? And then, so I want to say just, and not to be too long-winded about it, but just a little bit anyway, I want to explain some of the ways that we cannot be ourselves.

[14:19]

And, you know, you'll recognize them. I'm sharing them with you because I recognize them. I know them quite well. So there's, you know, Suzuki said to act, to do whatever you want, acting however you please, is not being yourself, is not expressing yourself fully. So that's one idea you could have, like I could just be myself and just do what I feel like and act however I please. And if people don't like it, well, I'm just being myself. Or you can say, it's not me, it's just Buddha. It's just Buddha manifesting me. You know, Buddha manifesting through me. What's your problem? It's just by Buddha nature coming out. So Suzuki Roshi suggested that we don't tell you these kind of teachings for you to use them as an excuse, you know, to do however you please.

[15:23]

And actually, when you're doing however you please, in a certain sense, you're not being exactly yourself. You're getting captivated by your impulses and desires and various things. As you're getting captivated, you're getting captivated, captured by those desires and things. Or like the wish to conceal your difficulty or hide your weak point, you're getting caught by that. And so then you do various things, you get involved in performing in a way that you think people will like and approve of. And you'll finally get the respect you deserve and the adulation and the love. You know, it will finally be yours when your performance reaches a peak. Then, okay. Or in the meantime, forget that, but anyway. So since I can never be good enough, I'll just do what I want. And so the idea in Zen is a little bit different and it's a little bit difficult for us to understand. But as Suzuki Roshi said, when you do what you want, you don't necessarily know what to do.

[16:26]

You're doing something, but you can't really be yourself or express yourself because you don't quite know what to do. And so in that kind of context, because there's a ritual and there's a way to do something, and if you know what to do and you do it, then you can be yourself. Because you're not worried about what to do. So then who you are, your character, comes through more, more clearly. You see somebody practicing, you see somebody bowing, and you recognize them. If they're doing this or this or, you know, making, he said, if they're dancing, if you're dancing and making a big noise, I can't see you. I see the dance. I see the big noise. And he said, our culture is based on, you know, a lot of money or a big noise to get some attention. And then that's not being exactly expressive or true. But when you do a form, then, you know, you see somebody and then somebody does it. You see right away either, you know, a little sort of embarrassment or you see some kind feeling

[17:29]

or a little bit of sadness, touch of, you know, frustration, a little bit of irritation, a little bit being in a hurry, and you see it. You sense right away someone, and you're meeting, you meet someone because we're both doing this. And then because everybody's doing this, you, we see each other, you know, pretty clearly actually. We know what's going on. And even if we can't say it, we're actually meeting one another in the forms, in a different way than if we're doing what we feel like and acting however we please. And then we don't necessarily, it's a performance. We don't necessarily know the person. And sometimes the, you know, when you're performing, you have the, you can be very lonely because you have the sense that people don't know me. People don't meet me. They see the performance. They know the performance. They don't know me. And that's true either literally in the world of being a performer or, you know, for any of us

[18:31]

that are involved in performance to gain the approval of people in our lives. You know, it actually doesn't work. When you're performing, people don't see you or know you, so no matter how good your performance is, you, who aren't seeing, can't, you know, get the love and appreciation that you wanted. It's not going to work. So this is one way of getting caught, this kind of performance or activity of acting out, where it's not quite yourself being yourself. I wanted to read you this poem by W.S. Merwin. It was in the New Yorker magazine. And this captures the idea of, you know, and this is why we say in Zen, you know, don't aim for improvement. It seems like such a sort of sensible thing, right? A little self-improvement? But what does it mean, you know?

[19:34]

This business of if you're going to become a better person, what does it say about who you are now? The poem is called Two Waiting. You spend so much of your time expecting to become someone else, always someone who will be different, someone to whom a moment, whatever moment it may be, at last has come and who has been met and transformed into no longer being you and so has forgotten you. Meanwhile, in your life, you hardly notice the world around you, lights changing, sirens dying along the buildings, your eyes intent on a sight you do not see yet, not yet there as long as you are only yourself,

[20:37]

with whom, as you recall, you were never happy to be left alone for long. So no wonder, you know, we get up into the meditation hall and and suddenly, you know, we're being left alone with someone and we're not really that happy and we'd like to be a little better than we are. So this also, of course, you know, it's pretty easy to, whatever your practice is, it's pretty easy to get involved in a kind of idea of improvement or gain, you know, from the practice. And what would indicate that? You know, that your practice is that you're getting someplace. So it's not quite clear that, you know, many people say, those people like Stephen Levine said,

[21:44]

you know, when somebody tells me their meditation is so full of light and love and realization, I think to myself, oh, watch out. You know, pitfall ahead. But it's fairly tempting and easy, you know, and then you think like, well, it would be an improvement if I was actually calmer, if I actually could cultivate a state of mind that was the proper one to have, that looked good. As one of my friends put it, I started practicing Zen and I practiced looking good. And I waited for other people to realize that I was looking good and to acknowledge my capacity to look good. And they never did. This is someone who, you know, years ago was a priest at Zen Center.

[22:48]

And then went off and raised a family and, you know, living a life. Another one of my friends many years ago was, you know, at Zen Center back in the 70s. She said, well, when I came to Zen Center, I had certain problems. And I had some problems with alcohol and drugs and I had some, you know, difficulties. And so I got to Zen Center and this was a group of people they all had on these handsome robes. And they looked very good. And I thought, I could be like that. It was really nice. And so I took all my problems and I put them in the closet. And then I closed the closet. And then I put up a nice brick wall. And on the brick wall I hung a tanka. And then I wore a robe and I was one of the beautiful spiritual people at last.

[23:56]

And how long is that good for? Before, without your even knowing it, you know, the closet somehow spills out into the room. Now, was your practice going forward while you had the tanka on the wall and the bricks? Or is your practice going forward when the bricks are falling down and you're a ruin? Your construction has become a ruin. And what you had in the closet is finally revealed, you know, your weak point. Your stuff is being seen. In fact, you know, Suzuki Roshi said, we have these rules for you to follow but, you know, sometimes you should break the rules. Then we'll get to know who you are and your teacher will be able to see you. You know, and know you. If you always are hiding from your teacher who you are, you know, how can we help you? How can we give you any teaching? So why don't you break the rules sometimes? Some of us didn't have the problem of having to do that on purpose.

[24:59]

Anyway. Anyway. So there's this sense, you can see, this kind of quandary of, and finally, you know, what can you do but just to be you? So actually people, Zen people teach this, and it doesn't matter how much Zen people teach this, it's very difficult as a student or for any of us to hear this kind of teaching. But I want to tell it to you anyway, in the words of, you know, one of the old Chinese Zen masters. Because it's nice and Zen. Graphic. To the point. And it captures this idea of how you could get caught up in a spiritual condition. And he dismisses that. Okay. She confesses that it's just to be ourselves. So here's how the Zen master Deshan put it. One day Deshan walked into the hall and he said,

[26:06]

I don't hold to any view about the ancestors. Here. Here there are no Buddhas and there's no ancestors. Bodhidharma is nothing but a stinking foreigner. Buddha is a dried piece of dung. Manjushri and Samantabhadra are dung carriers. What is known as realizing the mystery is nothing but breaking through to grab an ordinary person's life. Breaking through to grab an ordinary person's life. Get that closet door coming open there. No more looking good. Being spiritual. Grab an ordinary person's life. Bodhi and Nirvana are nothing but donkey tethering posts. The twelve divisions of the scriptural canon are just paper for wiping infected skin boils.

[27:11]

When I read that I thought, I am in the right school after all. What a relief. From trying to, you know, measure up. Become spiritual at last. And what about, you know, and so, I've never been able to do it. And then what a relief that somebody gives you permission to just, you know, to be yourself. Grab an ordinary person's life. And what would that look like? You know, if you're not chasing after, you know, if you're not involved in performance to gain approval, respect, love, if you're not just acting out the stuff that occurs to you, what are you going to do? What is being yourself, you see? So this is very profound and, you know, it's wonderful that we have practices like sensory awareness.

[28:23]

I tell people in my cooking classes, taste what you put in your mouth. But it's like in sensory awareness class when I've been there and people right away, you know, can you feel your neck, the back of your neck, the right back of your neck? And then people say, what should I be feeling? And people wonder, like, is my experience of the back of my neck good enough to share with the group? And this is what happens in cooking class. I say, taste what you put in your mouth. And then people say, what should we be tasting? Because people would rather want to make sure that the experience they're having is the right one to have, not just the experience they're having, not just an ordinary person's experience, but the right experience. How do you know that you're having the right experience? Could you just have your experience? Could it just be what it is?

[29:24]

Or are you going to be busy making it better? Better than it is, an improvement, the right one, so that people could say, oh, that was brilliant, how profound, amazing. So there's just having this moment. And then, you know, there's the possibility that you could love somebody who's less than perfect, namely you, or you could have some compassion for somebody who has feelings, sensations, thoughts, somebody who doesn't like himself very much. You could say, you know, you could, whatever you want, you could start just giving it to yourself, rather than thinking you need to perform in a way to earn it. You could practice giving to yourself the love or compassion or respect or approval that you look for from everyone else

[30:26]

and think you need to perform for all of them. So we start, so there we are, we're sitting or we're working, we have our experience, and we can give ourself respect and love, consideration, kindness. Yeah, this, the problems you're having will continue for the rest of your life. The curry laughs. And the, you know, the curious thing is it feels so much like a kind of giving up. I mean, we've all been so devoted to these kind of behaviors, of gaining approval, gaining respect, gaining love. We've been devoted to that, and so to give up that is such a, it feels like such a betrayal or like a failure.

[31:30]

I failed at doing this. But it's actually, of course, just realistic. It can't be done what you're set out to do. To gain any of these things by, you know, through your, you know, creating a self-image for others to see that they could, you know, give you what you wanted. And you're going to have to just go ahead and give it to yourself, embody it. You've become the embodiment of being a loving person, a kind person, a compassionate person, someone who listens, someone who receives the moment. And it has to do, you know, partly with heart, with your body. You know, you listen with your heart. You do things with your heart. And that's something we can practice. We practice, you know, being in our bodies, being in our hearts. And this isn't about, you know, how it looks.

[32:30]

This is something you're doing inwardly. You can come home to your heart. You can let your awareness rest in your heart. And you can bring your experience into your heart instead of holding yourself apart from your heart until you're fit enough. And if you're busy holding yourself apart from your heart until you're fit enough, you'll be like this poem about waiting. When will you be good enough to share yourself, your awareness, with your heart and to be in your heart? No, I have to reject you until you measure up. And could you extend your heart or let your heart, your warmth, go out to somebody who doesn't measure up? To someone who hasn't succeeded? To someone who doesn't perform very well?

[33:35]

Sometimes it's, you know... Anyway, at some point there's just nothing else left to do. There's no end to striving and working. And finally there's just, you know... Deshawn says, you know, nothing... Realizing the mystery is nothing but breaking through to grab an ordinary person's life. My experience of that is realizing the mystery is nothing but failing at my effort to be, you know, a great Zen student and finally coming home to my heart and having an ordinary... being an ordinary person, having an ordinary person's experience. Sensations, thoughts, feelings, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching.

[34:44]

Being with things. Being with me. And not trying to... And being okay being with me, being happy to be with me. And saying to myself, it's okay, little Eddie. Rather than saying, what's wrong with you, asshole? I hate these little babies, these little boys, these two-year-olds. Can't they ever grow up? Do you know how easy that is to be, you know, judgmental and reject yourself when you're just two years old and you're getting caught being two years old? I don't know, I find that, you know, pretty easy to reject someone who's trying so hard and falling apart. So I'm studying, you know, now how to just be that person

[35:48]

and to, you know, to be reassuring, to be kind, to be accepting. To be patient. With me. Which is also, of course, being patient with others. Kind. Accepting. Tolerant. I'm doing sort of so-so. It's an ordinary person's life. So I'm sure other people have, you know, other recommendations for you. I find this teaching, you know, of this tradition, you know, fairly rare. Because, you know, most teachings out there are holding out things that you could strive for. And don't I look good? If you do what I tell you, you could look good too. There's a lot of, you know, teaching like that.

[36:51]

Thank you. to grab an ordinary life, I see it more as, you know, the stuff that's been in the closet spills out at last and then we all get a chance to meet you and you get a chance to meet yourself and you get a chance to actually practice, you know, compassion and kindness and patience and tolerance and wisdom and understanding and reassurance, okay. And it's like you've actually succeeded. Practice is working. Your life is working. You're becoming you. You are you. Congratulations. Anyway. It's an ongoing study, isn't it? Anyway, thank you so much for being here this evening and if what I've had to say is of any use, perhaps you'll remember it at some point or, you know, you don't even need to remember it. Your body

[38:24]

gets it. Your being gets it. Even before, you know, consciously you understand the thing, your body has it. You don't even need to remember any of the words or consciously know what we've talked about tonight. But we just had this experience together and then you have it. So it'll be there. You don't need to worry about it. All, most of our life is happening below the level of consciousness and our being is taking in experience and responding to things. You know, they've done studies. They say to people, when you're ready, raise your hand and they have them all hooked up. And by the time the part of the brain that makes these decisions and things, I'm ready to raise my hand. I'm going to raise my hand now. The hand is already going up. The conscious part, the thinking part is the last to know what you're up to. And then it says, I did that. I'm going to do that. And it, and the thinking part, you know, takes over. It takes credit. I did that. I thought that. I'm going to raise

[39:33]

my hand. So, uh, we can actually relax and, uh, you know, our bodies get it and we're busy at this and, you know, we don't, and we'll, we'll think, oh, I'm not doing so well. And it doesn't matter, you know, because here we are, we're, we, we are, you know, the best we can, giving our heart. Sometimes there's a little kind of clarification there, you know, what's what, what am I giving myself to? Am I giving myself, am I being myself and willing to be me? Or am I hiding, protecting, performing? What am I worried about? So we just, you know, here I am. And, you know, best I can do. Think what you will. And we'll

[40:37]

go on from there. And I don't have to worry about, you know, controlling what you think of me. You can think what you want. And you don't have to protect me or make sure that I'm okay. I'll take care of that. You can go ahead and be you. Okay. Thank you. Blessing.

[41:12]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ