Good evening. I'm endeavoring tonight to speak to you. So among other things, if you can't hear me, would you, you know, let me know and then either I can talk more loudly or we can turn up the volume, okay? Also, when I say I'm endeavoring to speak to you, well, it turns out that May, this May is the 45th anniversary of since I've been practicing Zen. You would think, of course, that I would have gotten somewhere by now, but you know, that's the way it goes. Anyway, over those 45 years, I have been to a lot of talks. So I have my own sensibility about the kind of talks I like and the kind of talks I don't

[01:07]

like. So I like to give you the kind of talk that I would like. It may not be the kind of talk that you would like. That's the way it goes. But my aim is, you know, a lot of talks, and if you go to school, you understand, a lot of talks are, I'm going to tell you what's in my head so it can be in your head. I'm going to talk from my heart to your heart to the degree I can and from my body, you know, to your body, from your face to my face. So I may not be giving you, you know, much information like you get out of a book. What Zen looks like, what Buddhism looks like, what to do and what not to do.

[02:10]

And this is largely the way we approach things, you know, what to do, what not to do. And then you create your idea of what to do and what not to do, and then you know the right way to be so that, what, so that you gain approval and recognition and that you avoid criticism and punishment. How will you do that? This is called, you know, seeing if you can put on a good performance for your public. If you're at a Zen center, you know, part of that will be you would want to be spiritual. You would want to be seen as being spiritual. What does spiritual look like? Have you walked around Tassajara? You can see what it looks like. On the whole, it's pretty serious. That's what spiritual looks like. Because that's, people anyway, get that idea. To be spiritual, I can't be.

[03:13]

And then I hear this week, you know, by the way, you can think what you want of me. You know, and, and you will. You know, and some people say Ed Brown is brilliant, and other people say he's full of it. Some people say, oh yes, he's a good teacher for beginners. And other people say he isn't useless for beginners. He's flippant. You know, he's sarcastic, he's cynical, he's bitter, he's angry, he's, you know, he's negative, and occasionally maybe a little funny, but you know, his humor doesn't always go over. And he seems to have his own private joke, and I don't know what it's so funny that he's laughing at. You know, people say all kinds of things about me. And what does anybody know? I'm not sure I would either, you know. But, you know, it's useful, we think, to come up with observations and judgments.

[04:20]

Who is this person? Do I want to be like him or not? What does he have to offer or not? You know, I was in a movie, people say, Ed Brown has nothing enlightening to offer in this movie. Okay. Other people say, my life changed. So when I say I'm going to endeavor to speak to you, you know, I might, I might not. But my aim is to talk to you, speak with you. I came to, here to Tassajara first, the summer of 1966. My friend Alan Winter had gone on a Zen Center ski trip. I think it was the last Zen Center ski trip. In the spring of 1966 and met someone named Richard Baker.

[05:26]

And Richard Baker told him that Zen Center was thinking about maybe buying some land down here. Zen Center had $1,000 approximately in the bank. And there was this place called Tassajara and he said to my friend, why don't you get a job there? So my friend Alan got a job here as the handyman. And he told me I could probably get a job here in the kitchen, which I did. The kitchen was where the pit is now. It was a pretty nice kitchen with a tower, open air tower up in the top so breeze could come through. And where the student eating area was the bar. This was for many years a destination drinking spot. Drive the 14-mile dirt road, get a drink, go to the hot tubs. Oh, well, those were the days.

[06:27]

And then where the kitchen is now, that was the Tassajara dining room. Where the dining room is now, that's where the Becks lived. And it was divided up into rooms. And so when we worked in the kitchen, if it was hot in the summer, you could order from the bar a Carta Blanca or Dos Equis. Or some of the cooks would have gin and tonic with a twist of lime. So, you know, because if you're a cook, you know, you want to cool off and keep cool and in good humor. Maybe it would help to take the edge off. So I got a job here washing the dishes and washing the pots. And then they were making a beautiful bread. So I asked them, will you teach me?

[07:31]

And they said, you bet. So then I was the dishwasher, the pot washer and the baker. And then about halfway through the summer, one of the cooks quit. And the owners of Tassajara said, why don't you be the cook? And so then I started cooking. So that was the summer of 1966. So I had two and a half months experience cooking. And Zen Center said that then that fall, you know, it was arranged for Zen Center to buy Tassajara $300,000. And you know, we had to raise $25,000 down payment. So we had garage sales and car washes. And also there was a Zenefit. There were posters in San Francisco, Zenefit. And, you know, the silhouette of one of the mountains here, the Quicksilver Messenger Service,

[08:34]

the Jefferson Airplane and Big Brother and the holding company played a benefit for the San Francisco Zen Center. It was at the Avalon Ballroom. There were hundreds of people there. I think the tickets were $4 or $5. It was before the tickets for rock concerts went way up, you know. And Suzuki Roshi gave a talk at one point at the Zenefit to these hundreds of stoned hippies. And we raised from that Zenefit $1,800. That winter, there was four, I think, caretakers here for the Zen Center. And I have not to this day heard, you know, what happened, but they decided they had heard

[09:42]

somehow that we needed to have a new kitchen before the next guest season. This is not accurate information, but they thought they had heard this. They were not in close communication with the city. There was at that point a phone through the woods on a single wire, and if there was a storm and a branch fell on it, it was down until you walked the line. So, in their, whatever state they were in, from whatever they were consuming, they decided we need to have a new kitchen before we open next year, so we better tear down the old one. So, at some point, we got down here, and what was left of the kitchen was a platform. And there were three walk-in refrigerators at the far side of the platform that they had left there. You open them during the day, close them at night. I mean, open them at night, close them during the day, so you open them at night to get the cold air in, close them during the day to keep the cold air there.

[10:44]

So, we had refrigeration in the summertime down to about 80 degrees. And, the first kitchen then after that was where the dish rack is now, but it was a kitchen. It had been the crew's dining room, that was our kitchen, and there was enough space to walk around a central table if two people could pass if you turned sideways. There was a counter at the end, two of the stoves that are now in our kitchen, and one other smaller stove, three stoves, a gas refrigerator, one little sink, and a whole wall of shelves. And then, there was a storeroom outside, which has since gone, too. And then, we did dishes out on the porch in the, you know, outside. And, Brother David Stenderast, who some of you know, Benedictine monk, was the first

[11:47]

dishwasher for the first practice period, which was in the summer of 1967. So, I attended the first seven practice periods here at Tassajara. That's in the old zendo, which was then, the bar was converted into the zendo. The dining room was torn down, and we started working on building a new kitchen. And you know, we did everything ourselves. The first septic tank here, we dug by hand. It took weeks. Now we know, get a backhoe. So, the people, as I mentioned, I was visiting here in February. I was at the first seven practice periods.

[12:47]

I was at 11 of the first 13 practice periods. I was here for the first seven summers. Three of those summers, I worked in the kitchen. I worked in the office. One summer, I did stone work, and I can't remember the other summer, too. I was sheikah one summer, anyway. And the teachers I practiced with aren't here. They're gone. There's three of the seven shusos who led the first seven practice periods are gone. The zendo that I sat in isn't here. The kitchen I worked in isn't here. We're only here, you know, for a few more moments. Maybe not even a few more. Maybe this is our last moment. Suzuki Roshi said, one morning when we were sitting, don't move, just die.

[14:02]

Nothing will help you now, because this is your last moment. Not even enlightenment will help you, because you have no more moments. So don't move. Be true to yourself, and sit. So this is interesting, you know, to be. What is it to be true to yourself? And it's so easy to go off from this. As I was mentioning, you know, we think the way to go through life is to dream up a picture, create a picture of how I should be. And mostly this is a picture that we have. We didn't consciously create it, but we have it. We know how to be, you know, according to what we went through, what we experienced.

[15:09]

And how should I be so that I get approval and avoid criticism and punishment? What do I need to do? And then if I got enough approval and avoided enough criticism and punishment, anyway, it never works, does it? Has it been working lately? You go through your life and something doesn't work. People aren't happy with you. They have a problem. You have a problem. You're not the way you're supposed to be. You're not spiritual enough. You're not enlightened enough, because if you were spiritual and enlightened, you wouldn't have the problems you're having, would you? And if you were spiritual and enlightened, then, you know, it would get a lot easier, right? What do you suppose it's good for, this spiritual, this enlightenment, this realization? But you think, I will get it. I will have it. And I will do what I need to do in order to get it. And then we have an idea. How do I manifest myself? How do I perform so I look good, so I look spiritual,

[16:11]

so that everybody begins to approve and recognize me for the masterful spiritual person being that I am? There are various problems with this. One is it doesn't work. You know, you're a hard audience. You know, you're doing the best you can. You're trying to be happy, buoyant, cheerful, calm, peaceful. Don't get angry. Watch out for desire. Don't have any preferences. You know, see if you can regulate your mind and hold it, you know, and keep it the way it's supposed to be. So that then at last you could go, I did it. I got my mind just the way it's supposed to be. And I've kept it that way now for 18 years. You've got a grip on yourself by that point. And of course you can't do this.

[17:18]

You know, you can't keep the right mind, the one you're supposed to have or you think you're supposed to have. And you keep having experiences that you told yourself, I'm not going to do that anymore. And it's like New Year's resolutions, right? Be it hereby resolved that I will and I won't. And then the other problem with this is, if you got all that approval, what would it be good for? Who cares? And what I came to, this was after years, you know, several years, and this is ongoing, you know, how do you get out of this? Worrying about audience approval. You know, it's like Calvin going to his dad and saying, Dad, you know your approval ratings are down. And his dad says, I'm not, Calvin, excuse me,

[18:19]

but I'm not aiming for high approval ratings. I'm aiming to raise you to be a good person or something like this, you know, develop your character or something. And Calvin says, your approval ratings are not going to go up with that attitude. So anyway, the other problem here is, you know, what we long for. What is it you long for deeply? What is it you long for most deeply? What do human beings long for? It's your heart. That something comes into your heart and touches you. And that your heart extends out to meet others in the world. And that you begin to have, finally, a connection with your heart, to yourself, to others, to the world, and the world and others and you come into your heart. And you think, well, I could love myself if I got enough approval.

[19:20]

And when will that be? So at some point, you might decide, you know what? Maybe I could just go ahead and love somebody who doesn't quite measure up. This person I am who doesn't quite measure up, maybe I could just go ahead and have a kind feeling, a tenderhearted feeling for this poor, miserable person who still doesn't measure up, who still hasn't gotten anywhere, who's still not calm, patient, tolerant, blissful, buoyant, cheerful, kind, and still is getting angry, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, tired, bored, worried, anxious, stressed, oh well. So at some point, you know, and over and over again, for me, I shifted.

[20:23]

How do I have a tender feeling for myself? Could I just go ahead and awkwardly as it might be, begin to appreciate, sense, receive myself, receive others. So this is a shift from, you know, what our usual consciousness is. I'm going to come up with the judgments. This is right, this is wrong. I'm going to do what's right. This is spiritual, this isn't. I'll do the spiritual. And at some point, what's in my heart? What's in your heart? What is your deep wish, or Suzuki Roshi called it, the most important point? What is the most important point? And, you know, you can answer the most important point, not once and for all, but, you know, right now. If you feel, what is it?

[21:28]

And you might have a feeling, a thought, a sensation, and you might get a little hint. And when you keep asking, more and more, your heart reveals itself, what is most important. And you begin to be present, being yourself, an authentic person, with all the issues and problems you have, and not trying to shift into performance to hide, you know, what you might get criticized or punished for. And you give yourself to one thing after another. So again, this is an important shift

[22:36]

from giving out judgments and directives. Give out directives, do this, don't do that. This is good, this is bad, you. I don't like that. But, you know, to, instead of giving out with your consciousness, with your mind, giving out directives, what about receiving your experience and letting it come into your heart? This is Suzuki Roshi's teaching, let things come home to your heart. This is Dogen Zenji's teaching, this is our lineage. Dogen says, let things come and abide in your heart. Let your heart return and abide in things. This is, and you're not worrying then like, how would you know how well or poorly you're doing that? This is outside of, different than approval, you know, disapproval, praise, blame.

[23:38]

It's not subject to the same kind of, some people out there and you might be now and again judging your performance, but, okay. If you're going to be busy judging your performance, you know, another problem is you're only as good as your last performance. So your self-esteem is going to be pretty fragile if you're, you know, checking yourself out, how am I doing? And Dogen, bless his heart, you know, 13th century, he said, people nowadays, 13th century, but people nowadays, and we can't do that. We could say the same today, you know, people nowadays who study the way don't understand where the way leads or ends. So they strongly desire to see, to gain visible results. What are these visible results? Your performance has improved.

[24:43]

Now I'm calm, now I'm buoyant, now I'm spiritual. Can't you tell? Of course, other people seem to have a hard time getting convinced of any of this, so maybe you've got to perform even better. So also Zen Master Dogen said, so it's worth noticing that what you think one way or another is not a help for realization. Then you're cautious not to be small-minded. If realization depended upon your prior thoughts, it would not be trustworthy. Realization does not depend upon your thoughts.

[25:52]

It comes, but comes forth far beyond them. Realization is helped only by the power of realization itself. Know then that there, know that then there is no delusion and no realization. It's easy to have ideas, this is enlightenment or realization, this is delusion, I'm going to get the realization, I'm going to not have the delusion. And you know what happens then? Then you start trying to not notice the delusion and you start trying to produce the experience that you think you should have. And then when that's not working out and getting you the compliments and appreciation, then what's wrong with those people? Get mad at them. Be upset because they didn't like your act.

[26:56]

Anyway. Dogen also said, when you attain realization you don't think, aha, realization, just as I expected. Even if you think so, he says, realization is not like your expectation. Realization does not take place according to your conception. Our whole life has been based on life doesn't happen because, this is like when you fall in love with somebody. Do you actually fall in love with somebody? To start with, you fall in love with your projection that you put on somebody and it fits close enough to stick there for a little while. And you know if you're fortunate or unfortunate enough to get married? Works about 50-50 maybe. Then, you know, Jung and other people said, you need to re-on your projections and actually find out who am I living with?

[28:03]

And once you're not busy with your own trying to measure up, who are you? What are you feeling when you stop trying to look like you're enlightened and not like you're deluded? Who are you then? What are you feeling? What are you sensing? What are you thinking? What are you seeing? What are you smelling? What are you tasting? What are you touching? What is it receiving that's coming to your heart? Can you be touched by the world, by your experience? So, if you're aiming for approval, that's called samsara. It's samsara because it doesn't work. No matter how much approval you get, you're only as good as your last performance. And even if you get all that approval, nobody knows you because you were just performing.

[29:06]

Who would know you? People just know your performance. Nobody knows you. So this is big problem for us. How are you going to ever have anybody meet you? Have you meet anybody? How are you going to do that? That little person inside, that small, fragile, vulnerable part of us, to actually meet means being vulnerable. And this vulnerable person body is inside. And you know, you wouldn't want to show anybody the vulnerability. It's scary. Because why is it scary? You might get attacked. You might be blamed. So it's better to just have that be your performance. How will anybody actually meet you?

[30:09]

Face to face. Look deeply into you. How will you meet something? And that's the vulnerable, you know, to really meet your vulnerable. You're not masterful. When you're masterful, you're impervious. You know? How do you meet somebody who's that masterful? Suzuki Roshi was not masterful. Except occasionally when he needed to be. He thought it might help us occasionally. Don't move. Just die.

[31:11]

But, you know, yesterday or today, earlier I saw, I was talking with Alan Block on the bridge, and Alan was standing there and remembering when that bridge was there without the benches, without the railing, there was just a little wooden railing, and Suzuki Roshi was standing there when he came with a group of friends from the Narrows. You know, back in the 60s or early 70s, and Suzuki Roshi turned around and looked at them. And smiled. And Alan said, I felt that he felt received. Met. Seen. And so many of us had this experience with Suzuki Roshi. Beyond your performance, who are you? And, you know, we're a gender-vulnerable, good-hearted, sweet person. And we're also boundless and vast.

[32:22]

I want to say just a little bit about hands. I spent, you know, 20 years at the Zen Center. As I mentioned, you know, seven years here at Tassajara, most of seven years, initially. I spent a number of years at the City Center. I lived at the City Center and across the street from the City Center for 10 years. I was on the Zen Center fast track. You know, you drop out of college to go to the mountains and attain true realization. And the next thing, buyer. Yes, student manager. Eno. Tanto. President of Zen Center. Chairman of the board. I had all three jobs at one point. So then I, you know, after two or three years of that,

[33:42]

I dropped out. I became a busboy at Green's. And then, a little while after that, I was the manager and the wine buyer. Do you know how that works? You see things and you act on them. It's not following the rules. It's not following the directions. You see what needs to get done and you do it. Or you talk about it with other people, how to get that done. And you make it happen. And I know how to do that. It's a gift. But it's also something you can study and something I've studied. But when I left here after 20 years, for instance, I went to an Aikido class. And in Aikido class, they say, put out your hand and somebody's going to attack me. And they say, okay, put out your hand. I put out my hand. And, you know, I'm 38 or 40 years old, whatever it is. And this person across from me, some young kid, says,

[34:43]

well, put some energy in your hand. I've practiced then. Excuse me? How do I do that? How do you get energy into your hand? Your consciousness. Can you get your consciousness into your hand? And here's this young kid, you know, who can tell. You don't have any consciousness in your hand. So I got out in the world and I found out, you know, essentially that I'd been, I'd, you know, been an institutionalized person. I'd been committed. Finally let myself out, try to see if I can, you know, live in the real world. People say, well, where's the energy in your hand?

[35:45]

So I spent years trying to find my hands. You know, I went to, I was taking hands-on healing classes and then I asked the teacher about hands and I said, you know, a lot of the time I can't find my hands. You know, I sit Zazen and then, you know, it seems like my awareness comes down to my wrists. Where are the hands? And he said, you spiritual people are all alike, aren't you? Some people are these kind of really brilliant, brash, know-it-all kind of people. You know, so he'll explain it to you, maybe. Like, isn't this obvious? You spiritual people are all alike. I said, what do you mean all alike? He said, well, you know, you spiritual people are all old souls. You've been through so many lives previously, you don't want to make the same mistakes over again. So just to be sure you don't do the wrong thing,

[36:50]

don't have hands. You're going to be like, you know, a man I met at one point, he said when he was growing up in his fundamentalist family, they had to sing a little song. Little hands, watch what you do. Little feet, watch where you step. And so forth, you know, and you had to keep an eye on them, because hands can do some bad stuff. And so, just sit there, keep your hands to yourself, keep your hands to yourself. And then, so we learned this stuff. Where are your hands? And then finally one day, I was doing these hands-on healing sessions with Barbara Jean. And Barbara Jean, coincidentally, was a guest student at Green Gullets for three weeks. And after three weeks, someone said, Barbara Jean, now have you talked to one of the practice leaders? And Barbara Jean, no. And they said, well, you know,

[37:51]

you really ought to. That's part of our practice to go and talk to a practice leader. So Barbara Jean said she signed up to talk with Yvonne Rand. So, you know, another time, we can talk about Yvonne, but she went to see Yvonne and Barbara Jean said, well, I'm practicing here at Green Gullets and I'm a guest student and, you know, what should I, you know, what should I watch out for? And Yvonne said, don't get stuck on your cushion. So Barbara Jean left. And then she found this school and started studying hands-on healing and she's been doing that ever since. It's called Integrated Awareness, IA. And I used to see Barbara Jean once a month. And so this one time, I'm sitting there or lying there and I say, Barbara Jean, you know, sometimes I look at my hands

[38:53]

and they're just not my hands. They don't look like my hands. And, you know, 20 years of Zen practice. Serious Zen practice. Serious. You know, 50 or 60 sessions. You know, whatever. And I said, these hands are not my hands. And Barbara Jean, people respond differently to this kind of stuff, but Barbara Jean, bless her heart, she said, well, whose are they? And I said, some big persons. You know how big you are when your hands are some big persons. And then she said, and where are yours? And I felt around and said, well, they're in the elbows. How big are you

[39:54]

when your hands are in your elbows? You know, three, four maybe. Some of us have hands that, you know, probably aren't even down to our elbows, you know. Left them behind when you're a baby. Maybe some people leave their hands behind in the womb. Got to be careful. Not get into trouble. And we all have, you know, various tendencies. So Barbara Jean said, you know, we're born who we are. We have certain gifts, certain limitations. We're working on stuff. We're working through things. We have a lifetime journey. Barbara Jean said, Ed, do me a favor. I'd like you to work on extending your little hands into your big hands. Or shrinking your big hands down into your little hands. So this is one specific example. You know, with your directives and your judgments,

[40:55]

you tell your hands what to do. Do this. And then you tell them how to do that. Rather than, can you find your hands and feel what they're doing? Feel what they're sensing? You know, Charlotte Silver taught sensory awareness for years. And she'd say, you know, pick up this stone. What is that like? And people say, what should I be feeling? What would be the right experience to have? I want to get the right experience. I don't want to just have any old experience. I want the right one. So tell me what the right one is. And I'll be able to check and see if I'm having the right experience. And then maybe you would approve of me. And you wouldn't tell me I was wrong. So let's make sure. Could you just have your experience and see what your hands touch? See what it feels like when you pick up a knife or move a chair or hold a plate or, you know, do the dishes. You know, walk around

[41:56]

and ask, where are your hands? Do you have hands? And these hands are one third of the connection between your consciousness and your body. One third of the motor neurons go to your hands. One third of the sensory neurons come from your hands. Huge, huge about the connection between mind and body. And one other thing about this, and it's time for me to stop. But when you sit, middle finger on middle finger right to the edge of your palm. The knuckles are on top of the knuckles. The other fingers come short of the palm. Middle fingers right to the edge. And your thumb tips touch. So after about 40 years, I thought I would study this. But you could start a little sooner if you wanted. I was busy being a spiritual person, you know, and if you're spiritual, you have to be serious

[42:57]

and not smile too much and not joke around. I'm sorry if I'm a bad example for you being a little flippant now and again. But if you hold your, when you hold your hands here and if you put your finger, middle finger, and where do your hands need to be so your fingers can line up and your middle finger is exactly there. And my hands used to, if my hands are down in my lap, like, wouldn't it be hard to hold them up? And if they're down in the lap, then my hands are like this. They're not like this. But if you're interested, then you can study. How do I have my hands? How do I connect my hands with my heart? And this middle finger is the heart finger. That's why you flip people off with it. And you're also saying that to yourself

[43:57]

and to your own heart. And you're cutting off your heart when you flip people off. So now I say, so you, this finger, so if you have, when you have this finger here and you sense, this is very subtle, you see, you can sense, where does that connect in my body? And you can, and it goes up the arm and up the shoulder. And then it's across the front. And then it comes right over to your heart. And your hands easily stay here because you're not holding them up. You're connecting them with your heart.

[44:59]

And then they rest here in your heart. Thank you for being here. And my warm wishes and love. Blessings. Thank you.

[45:22]

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