I thought we could start, actually, you know, sometimes yoga classes start with a little shavasana. I thought, you know, I'm starting with a little coffee break I have. A little coffee here, so excuse me. So during my coffee break I thought we could visit a little bit. I'm interested in this. We've been doing it at times over the weekend. I'm interested to hear just a few words from each of you about where you're at. What's happening? What's up? What's down? Or, you know, as they say in the vernacular, what's cooking? Is something on the front burner? Is something on the back burner? So, and this can be fairly short, you know, and it doesn't have to be accurate. It doesn't have to be true.

[01:07]

Yesterday, a couple people in the room, you know, were noticing wasps. I didn't notice any wasps, but, you know, you're entitled, you know. If you've got wasps or bees buzzing around or birds flittering, there might be birds here, you know. You know, you can mention these things. So, however you want to describe or not describe what's happening. I like to do this partly because, you know, on one hand, you know, I can just sit here. We could all just sit here quietly and we all get a sort of, and I'm especially interested or attuned to, like, what's happening in the room. And then, you know, I endeavor to speak to what's happening in the room. I'm not just here to give some, you know, teaching, regardless of what's happening in

[02:13]

the room. I'd like, for what I say, you know, to be speaking to you who are in the room. So this is, you know, my, so, you know, it may or may not be a help for you to speak. But, you know, it might dispel a little bit of the projections, you know. I might be projecting, you know, something on you and then, you know, seeing you in some way different. And then if you, you know, at Vipassana retreats, you know, long meditation retreats, ten days, two weeks, three months. They have this term, they have the fact that because you get together with all these people and then you sit silently with them, you're never talking to them. It's really easy to project onto people what's happening. So they have what's called Vipassana romances and Vipassana vendetta.

[03:19]

And it really helps that that other person is never opening their mouth. Because that's a little added piece of information that might, you know, immediately clear up your projection that this is somebody I could like or somebody I dislike. So, perhaps, so if you would be willing to clear up some of my... It's almost just the sound of your voice, you know, and not necessarily the languaging. But I think of this as, so there's that side of it for me, you know, but then the side for you is, I think this is, I mean, you know, people are different, right? But, I mean, this is who I am. I'm interested in, like, well, what's happening? What's up? You know, with me. Some people are more interested in, like, what am I going to do next? Or how can I demonstrate to the world how competent I am and get them to see that?

[04:28]

I mean, so we're doing different things, but I happen to have this bent, so to speak, which may or may not be twisted, which we hope is just a kind of straight bent for what's going on with me, you know, what's inside. And then I have an interest of how do I bring what's inside, you know, out into the world in a way that benefits the world. So, I've had this interest, you know, it just came with me. So, you know, we have slightly different interests in this regard, but I think we all share at some level that kind of interest, you know, how do I share what's in me with the world? So it's kind of useful to check, well, what's in me? Where am I at? And then, you know, share this. And it's amazing how actually just sharing something, you know, is actually a benefit

[05:33]

and a blessing, even if it's like I'm sad. And you think, well, I don't want to burden other people with that I'm sad, so I'd better keep it to myself. But on the other hand, when you're sad and you express your sad, now you connect with someone. There's the possibility of connection. There's a possibility of deeper connection when, especially when there's emotion, emotional content, and you share it, there's a possibility of connection. So, in this sense, and I'm going on with this obviously longer than I needed to for you to be able to say something, and now I'm maybe making it, I was starting out to say all this to make it easier for you to say something, and now I'm maybe making it harder, you know, the more I go on, I'm sorry. But I just want to, you know, bring to your attention, you know, the fact that a lot of the time in our lives, we study, you know, what we're studying is does my way

[06:37]

of not connecting with you interest you? Does that work for you, too? I especially notice this with, you know, the fashion advertisements. I don't understand it. I mean, here are these women, and they have on these gorgeous dresses, but they're never going to look at you. They're never looking at me. So, does my way of not relating to you, don't I look good not relating to you? Aren't you interested in me the way that I don't relate to you, and the way that I'm apart and above and separate from you, and, you know, don't I look gorgeous? And aren't you interested in not knowing me, like a little more closely, and aren't you interested in doing stuff for me so that you could not have my attention even more, because I'm as beautiful as I am? So, you know, that's kind of a dramatic example, but, you know,

[07:38]

we're all doing this to some extent, and then, you know, in relationship, when your way of not relating to the other person stops working, and there's various ways of not relating, I can assure you, you know, you can talk too much, you can talk too, you can not, you can talk so much the other person doesn't have a chance to say anything, and then somebody can, you know, not be talking, so they're not going to reveal anything. So where's the connection? And then there's the person who's always criticizing or belittling or finding fault, so does that help you connect? No, that's not connection, that's how you separate and distinguish yourself as being separate, and from a distance, you can correct and, you know, adjust and fix and change and, you know, all those things. That's not connection. So when your way of not connecting stops working, you actually have a chance to connect.

[08:38]

So, and actually having a chance to connect means I'm sad or, you know, I'm happy or I'm unsettled or, you know, what's, there's actually something going on that, you know, you could share with somebody and then somebody else could receive that and, you know, and you would have, you know, a kind of connection. So when things stop working at the level of how we don't relate to each other, then we get, there's the possibility of having a more genuine connection with one another. Now this is also true, you see, in our practice of meditation. Again, I mentioned, I think, I don't, I can't remember the Friday afternoon or Friday evening, but one of our basic ways of, you know, giving our attention to things is called the authoritarian model. And we're all, you know, at times, you know, petty tyrants. I'm going to tell you what to do, you do what I say and don't give me any feedback. And mostly we, you know, a lot of the time we bring this attitude to meditation.

[09:45]

We tell our body, sit still. We're going to be meditating now and don't complain. I don't want any sensation from you, especially not any unpleasant sensation because we're meditating and we're going into stillness and quiet. And it disturbs me if you were to give me some information that was painful. I don't like that. So just shut up and sit still and we're meditating now. And then you have an idea of what meditation would look like and you try to impose that on yourself. That's the authoritarian, I'm not going to connect with you model. Okay, do you understand? Why would you connect with actually what you're actually feeling? No, you just tell it what to do and what not to do. And, you know, then the more you can get things to do what you say, the happier you'll be, right? Has it worked? If it would have worked, you wouldn't be at a meditation retreat now. This is my idea. So mostly, you know, we spend years and years and years of this not working.

[10:46]

And when it doesn't work, what's the solution? Try harder. Do it even more than you were doing it before. Rather than, I guess that strategy doesn't work, you know what? I may need to actually start connecting with things and relating to things. Huh, I surrender, I give up. Trying to be the benevolent authoritarian dictator of my realm. Okay, so when your way of being the benevolent authoritarian dictator stops working, it's not working very well. Instead of like imposing your will, or it's not really your will, but your kind of idiotic intention more strongly. Instead of imposing your from the top down even more, you know, intently, I told you not to hurt, stop that, and so forth.

[11:47]

And then you could actually start to like be with things. And what does being with things feel like? You know, it feels, in the start, oftentimes like a kind of defeat. You had to abandon your lifelong strategy of telling things how to be and what to do to make you happy at last. And if they loved you, they would do what you said. Isn't that right? I don't know, it works for me. Or, you know, it doesn't work for me. Excuse me, I'm having a sip of coffee. So, anyway, so I am curious if we could go around the room and you could just a little check in. And I have been endeavoring to learn people's names, so if you're willing to share your name, too.

[12:48]

It's just a tentative designation, you know, because we all know that that's not who we are, but still, it's kind of useful to have a kind of languaging for it, right? So we don't go around saying, hey, you, or... And then, my next door neighbor's little boy, when he was two, three years old, he would come up to his mom and he said, pick you up, pick you up. I mean, people have only been calling him you for how long? What would you like for breakfast? So, you know, it's a certain later stage where you understand that, you know, when they talk to you, you're you, and when you talk about yourself, it's me. We figure this stuff out, you know, to some extent.

[13:50]

So, you can think about this as a kind of weather report or, anyway, a kind of reading. And this is also... Well, I can tell you a lot of things about this, but, you know, let's take a reading, and, you know, one of the things that I like to do Well, just one last thing before we go around. But whatever the reading is, you know, in a few minutes or seconds, or by the end of the day, certainly, you're going to have a different reading. So, this is just a tentative expression of nothing in particular. It would be wise to not worry about how true or not true the reading is or how long it's going to last or what it says about you as though it really did say something about you. Just something from you to the room to understand. And then the room changes because we do this.

[15:04]

So, I am going to... Do we want to start over here or should we start over here? Susan? You started last. Well, that's what you get for being there in the corner, Susan. All right, Lucinda. I'm really temperate and joyful and happy. Suzuki Roshi said this, you know, he said, whatever you say, you know, I'm this or I'm that, then at the end of the expression you can just add tentatively speaking. So, you see, she already... Lucinda already got that. Much better. Open for more. Open for more? Open for more. Open for more. Uh-huh. Okay. Ready to receive. Not so busy giving out the directive. Okay. Jeff?

[16:09]

Use and conduct. No, wait. Finally, do you like... Okay, thank you. My room. You're okay? Yeah. We need something a little more poetic than okay. I mean, speaking for the room. There's a lot to do for that. Okay. Okay. Inside of a tornado. So, it's kind of quiet where you are, but you can tell there's some turmoil around. Oh, in the middle of the turmoil. So, it's not the eye of the... Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. Great. Christine?

[17:14]

I feel very connected. I feel very connected. I just... Somehow, when you said that, you know, I'm just reminded of... You know, one time, somebody said, they just had a week of meditation, and the person said, I feel so... I feel so concentrated, and it's all so beautiful. And Suzuki said, don't worry, it won't last. Huh? It's been lasting all weekend. It's been lasting all weekend, huh? Okay. We'll wait until the weekend's over, then. The endless weekend. Kathleen? Kathleen? Yeah, you might drop it along the way.

[18:25]

Marta? I'm here. Brown rice. Rose petals. What was the first thing? Brown rice. Brown rice. Rose petals. Rose petals. And irrepressible happiness. Irrepressible happiness. Okay. Nicole, we'll go back this way. I had breakfast with her. Okay. You can already see that certain things are catching. They're contagious, actually. You know, beneath the surface, and now, to some extent, above the surface. A little contagion happening. Let's see.

[19:35]

Marseille? It's a little foggy. really exciting. And relief, is one of the things people are saying. It's not good. I had dinner with her earlier, and it was really nice to meet her. Oh, yeah. You weren't here yesterday, either. Thank you. Arnold, I have nothing on the front burner, nothing on the back burner, and the stove's off. The stove's hot. Oh, and the stove's off. Okay. I'm sorry that the Blue Jays lost.

[20:38]

Oh, when you were there? I thought you were there Sunday when they lost 3-0. Yeah. Excuse me, it's a personal aside. I'm sorry. As always, I'm still mentally, emotionally ready to be here, and happy to be here, and physically, I'm trying to. I'm very excited to be here. Uh-huh. Okay. Great. In the back here? Oh, Monica, do you want to say something? I think the rest of you don't. Thank you. Thank you. Was it Janice or Janet? Janet. Janet. Okay. I hope that,

[21:41]

and on one hand, I'm very, very happy and on the other, it's been quite a long day today. Yeah. Just a little side note, if I may, to that is when you're actually connecting, there is a vulnerability. It's one of the reasons why we avoid connection so that we don't have to feel vulnerable. And we think that we have more safety in not being connected and not feeling that vulnerability, but actually there's greater safety in connection. And vulnerability. Anyway, it's something to study as the day goes on. Uh, onwards? Um, Margie, who's respectful and loving and has trust. Yeah. Okay. Lisa? Hi, Lisa. I'm very chugging up yesterday. I feel so happy

[22:43]

and not I don't like it. Yeah. I was exhausted last night and I'm really feeling my upper back. You know, maybe maybe the upper back is what I'm really exhausted. So, uh, this morning I, I was so tired but I got up at 7.30 so, you know, I'm afraid to talk about it. I, you know, I'm a little anxious about what's going to happen today. About? The demands of the day. The demands of the day? Uh-huh. Yeah, there's a lot of performance demands. And... Well, as I mentioned yesterday and I may as well mention that now, you know, if you're, if you, you know, want to move while we're sitting or, you know, go for a walk instead, come back, you know, you can move, you can lie down during the sitting, however you want

[23:43]

to take care of yourself is fine. please. Tanya? Usually what? I'm trying to make a real conscious effort to do different things that everyone else is doing. And that's, that is what my academics are very, uh, moot and fragile about. Great. Okay, thank you, Tanya. And, and, um, I am thankful to be here with you because I don't want to, but I know I need to. And, glad to be here

[24:43]

with you. Thank you, Linda. Um, and, I'm, um, I'm not sure what's good for you, but something a bit stereotypical because I woke up this morning and I'm like, you're welcome to come and swim in the water. Laughter. [...] Mm-hmm. Laughter. Home with all these other outcasts. Laughter. Um, that's a Zen poem by a Dogen's teacher. He said, somehow we come together like outlaws or bandits of the Dharma. So, here we are outlaws and bandits. Laughter. Yes.

[25:45]

Megan. Yeah. Yeah, the door opens. Okay. Okay. That doesn't mean it's going to get an answer, but... Laughter. Okay, well, let's finish up here and then I'll come back to the brown bib. Laughter. It's not a bib. Laughter. Laughter. Rochelle. Rochelle. Okay.

[26:48]

Thank you, Rochelle. Susan. Last but not least. Laughter. I don't know what you were saying. I'd really be interested to know what you're projecting on me. Laughter. Okay, no answer to that. Oh, I can... You know, I have various answers. Alright. I... You know, mostly I... I'm sorry, I get sort of... You know, I kind of tend to, like, put out that everybody's tender-hearted, you know,

[27:57]

sweet person. Is that you? Laughter. It depends who you ask. It depends when I ask? Who you ask. Oh, who I ask? Who you ask. Laughter. Alright. Just to say, this is really looking for you, Rochelle. Is that good or bad? It's good. Oh, it's good. Okay. Because, you know, I mean, plenty of people like Pim and Children write books about when things fall apart, when things aren't working and how great that is and, you know, your real opportunity in life and... And Jung said the same thing, you know, when people's careers went down the tubes and their marriages came apart and their families

[28:58]

said, let's open the champagne. Laughter. You're ready for something new in your life at last. No, that's already happened to you. Oh, that's already happened to me? Laughter. This is the healing part. Oh, this is the healing part? Okay. Laughter. That's why I'm here. Okay. Laughter. Alright. Laughter. So I'd like to make a couple observations and then we'll continue this check-in by checking in silently with ourselves and the room. But this is so

[30:04]

useful, I think, too, that you know, we can hear from everyone in the room something and we can see that you know, whatever we give language to is a kind of tentative expression of a momentary phenomena. Here's what's happening. Here's my language for it. And as we know and as we can hear somewhat in the room by different people having different expressions, you know, this changes. What's happening changes and then what our experiences of what happens changes and how we describe that to ourselves changes. And then

[31:05]

every so often, you know, to some extent we add on the end of whatever our description is it's good, it's bad, it's better, it's worse. About a momentary, we say that about a momentary phenomena. A momentary experience we say that. So one of the questions I want to raise for you is is this useful or is this wise? Is this wise to be keeping track of what my experience is and how it compares to the past experiences and does this actually reflect on my capacity to manifest good experiences for myself and, you know, avoid bad experiences for myself. Does this reflect on me in some way? I'm so together, I'm not so together, I'm capable, I'm not capable, I'm competent, I'm not competent. Is this actually useful to reflect

[32:06]

on? Would that be wise to reflect on what this says about me and the kind of person I am and my capabilities in life? To look at the phenomena and say, it's better, it's worse. And then to think about what it means about me and then to start looking at, you know, then you can start, am I making progress? Am I not making progress? Have I gotten anywhere? Have I not gotten anywhere? Have I gotten greater skill or less skill? You know, so would this be wise to, you know, reflect on this? And then to judge yourself accordingly, would that be wise? You know, as you practice meditation over the years, this is only going

[33:06]

to get worse. I can assure you, you know. I've been practicing Zen for 20 years, 30 years, and oh my God, this stuff is still happening? I guess, you know, what does that say about my practice? So, just a brief story about this. You know, last February or so, my computer stopped working briefly, and eventually it died, but then it came back to life after a few days, and my computer guru student teacher said, well, why don't you go by the Apple store and see what apples are like? So I went to the mall. I almost never go to the mall, okay, just so you know. And there's a lot of beautiful people at the mall who know exactly what they're doing. And,

[34:07]

you know, they're sitting out in their little cafes and drinking their lattes and things. And then, anyway, I found the Apple store. You know, after you look at the map, you are here, okay, I go, the Apple store is over there, okay. So I got over to the Apple store, I go in, and the Apple store is, I don't know if any of you have been to an Apple store, but this is not like Nordstrom's or Macy's or, it's like, it's a happening spot. There's tremendous energy and excitement in the Apple store. Everybody is so excited. And people are like diddling on this thing and then they've got the television screen going and now you can get Apple TV and then there's all these people in the store, everybody seems to know what they're doing and what's happening and they're so savvy and they're such techies and I'm kind of like, you know, so not

[35:13]

only am I feeling like I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's happening, and then I'm starting to get kind of overwhelmed how am I ever going to find my way in this? so and then one person was helping me for a little bit and then that person disappeared and then because you have to know what to ask them. Otherwise, how do they help you? So, then another woman came up to me and said, oh, well, may I help you? And I said, I said, well, actually, you know, I'm not, I don't know, I hardly know anything about computers and I'm kind of starting to get really overwhelmed by the energy in this room here, in your store, so I don't know what to ask for. And she said, I wonder if you've tried meditating? So,

[36:20]

it's at that point, it's sort of like, yes, I have tried meditating, but maybe I'm just not a very good student, I guess. Or I would never, ever again in my life have to experience being overwhelmed, you know, in an Apple computer store. I wasn't doing the right kind of meditation, I guess, to, you know. Anyway, for me, that's an example of meditation and, you know, phenomena come and go, and sometimes you're going to be able to. And we actually have, and Zen Master Dogen has an expression for this. I hope we get to sit sometime. You can get this person to shut up. But we have an expression for this in Zen, you know. Dogen Zenji says,

[37:34]

Zen gives you a key that other traditions don't give you. I'm not sure that, you know, Dogen can be, you know, very profound and very philosophical and sometimes he can be a little sectarian. We give you a key that other people don't. But, you know, anyway, he says it. And then he says, sometimes you turn the Dharma, sometimes the Dharma turns you. So, sometimes you are weak and phenomena, you know, Dharma is strong, sometimes you're strong and phenomena are weak. Or, you know, to put it another way, sometimes you're on top of things and other times things are on top of you. This is not your fault, this is the way that things work. So, if you start to think, you know, that, reflect on, I should have the capacity to always be on top of things, now you're

[38:38]

going to, you know, berate yourself and belittle yourself and find fault with yourself for the fact that you're not always able to do that. But, if you're willing to be sometimes on top and sometimes underneath, then wherever you are, okay, how do I, what do I do here? How do I be here? Okay, so this is what we're doing. We're not aiming to always be on top, but to study and be where we are and to find our way where we are, from where we are, you know, and how to be in that place. Okay? This is a little different understanding. Yes? Maybe that's a disadvantage of what modern medicine is doing, because it has therapy as a way to address symptoms. Yeah, theoretically, well, sometimes it's useful. But it's a limited use. It's, sometimes it's useful to address therapies and the

[39:39]

limitation is just that, you know, some things will not be fixable. Old age, sickness, death, I mean, come on, get real. You know, happiness, sadness, pain, pleasure, I mean, it's not, it's not fixable. It's the nature of things. Okay. So, at some point, yes, there's, we can learn skills, and there's no reason not to learn skills for how to work with certain things in certain areas, and therapy may be, you know, give you some of those skills and tools, and various kinds of therapies have been useful for me at various times in my life. And then some therapies I've gotten out of pretty quickly. But that's a whole other lecture weekend. We're not going there. Okay. So, let's sit for, if you could take a few moments to find a stable position to

[40:39]

sit in. And we'll sit for fifteen minutes. Checking in. Sitting up as much as you can, in the center of your life. In Zen, we sometimes say, you know, make your best effort. Making your best effort is different than fixing everything. It's your best effort to be with yourself, and the world, and others. And it doesn't mean when you make your best effort that everything will go the way you want it to. But you make your best effort to show up. Show up

[41:40]

for your own experience. Show up for others.

[41:42]

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