Good evening. Is it working? All right. Well, here we are again, or I'm here again, you're here again. On the way over here, as Hannah and I bowed to each other, she had the incense, I had my stick, and we were about to come over here, so I said, off to see the wizard. You know, it's the kind of thing you might do when you're headed out on a journey, and then I realized that it was off to be the wizard. You know, looking like somebody dressed up and great persona, and actually there's no one here. Or at least we haven't found him yet. And then this turns out to be what I wanted to talk about tonight. What are

[01:05]

we doing here? And what am I doing here? What do you think is going on? What are you here for? Anyway, I have a particular style of talking. Sometimes I feel a little apologetic that I'm not going to give you a lot of Zen speak or Buddhist language, so I'm just going to talk. I hope that's okay. You know, some of you might have come for Buddhist teaching, and you get me instead. And then maybe it's Buddhist teaching, or maybe it's just Ed Brown mouthing off. We don't know whether it's the wizard or what it is exactly. Partly my concept

[02:07]

or my sense of speaking is that I say something to awaken something in you. Not really that I'm saying something to insert something in you. Do you understand the difference? One concept of teaching is that the teacher has some insight which can be put into you. I could give it to you and you would then have it in you. And this other kind of understanding of teaching is for me to offer something that might touch or awaken or resonate with something in you, stir something in you, awaken something in you, rather than what I say is something for you to have. It's a little different. Anyway, so what I wanted to talk about tonight is about, big surprise, meditation. And with the Zen and Yoga group this week, I've been talking about meditation. And what I've been

[03:14]

talking about is what a different kind of opportunity meditation is from a good deal of our life, in that we actually have a chance to look at mind and the way our mind works. And in other words, the way our mind constructs reality. Most of the time, reality is a given. And there it is. And mind takes care of that for us. We don't have to think about translating light rays that enter the eye and then are translated into neural pathways. And then somehow the mind puts it all together and makes it appear like there's a world out there. How did it do that? That's pretty cool. And that's real. And then there's people out there. And then you can also construct and have

[04:21]

thoughts and feelings. And then there's reactions to things. And there's beliefs. And there's understandings. And it's all real. And then we live in the reality that we just created. That we've been creating in some instances, you know, out of habit all of our lives. So some of us are more outgoing. Some of us are more shy. Some of us are more moody. And an example I was using with my group once again, because this is an important one for me. I'm never quite clear whether people want me around or not. So I'd like to get a little evidence that they do. So someone invited me to

[05:23]

give a talk. Wasn't that encouraging? They want me around. They'd like me to give a talk. Oh, how nice. And they're probably doing that, you know, for good reasons. Not just because they're trying to be nice to me. Anyway. But I tend to have the idea that people aren't interested in what I have to say, but then you all showed up, you see. So what's real? And do people like me or not like me? And, you know, I can have ideas about that. What kind of person am I? Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I good at what I do? Am I not so good at what I do? Do I have any real friends? What about my relationship? Is it working? Is it not working? Is this love? Is it not love? And so on. So we live in particular worlds and each of us has our own world. And we tend

[06:30]

to look for and grasp evidence to support what we already think. We're not out to find out anything new, you know. If people don't like you, you notice how people don't like you. You don't notice them being nice or kind to you. You notice how they just insulted you. But they weren't actually insulting you. They were just tired or grumpy or having a difficult day and being themselves. They were just being themselves. They didn't actually insult you. But, you know, if you're looking to be insulted, you can find it. It's easy. And if you kind of feel like people are nice and like you, then it's kind of enjoyable. They seem to be nice and like you. They seem to enjoy your company. And that's what you notice. And then when they don't do that, then, huh, I guess they're having a difficult day. So here we are, each in our own worlds. And we just kind of

[07:30]

made it up at some point, you know, unconsciously. And our mind goes on unconsciously creating reality. And then we live in that reality. And then we try to make the reality that we've created better for me, the reality that I created, that I live in. Of course, then it wouldn't be real anymore. Or it would be different than it is. And now what? So, you know, one thing I set out to do was to become good at meditation. This is an interesting one because it's different than being good at some other things that you could actually measure and test, whether you're good at them or not. But, you know, one of the usual ideas of how to be good at meditation is that you would, and this is true of most anything, that we conceive an image or picture of the reality that we'd like to create, and then see if we can create that reality and make it come

[08:37]

true. So in meditation, in other words, I'm going to establish the proper mind, the mind of meditation, the mind of Buddha, the mind of Bodhidharma, the mind of Dogon. I'm going to manufacture, I'm going to produce this mind and I'm going to keep producing it and keep making it happen. And I have, of course, I'm an expert in meditation, but I'm an expert on what that mind would look like. Because I know what's what. I know about these things. So I set out to be, you know, maybe not think so much, you know, empty my mind, be calm, tranquil, maybe have a sense of spaciousness. Oh, that'd be nice. And ease, buoyancy, cheerful, kind, compassionate, sensitive, caring. And then I'm going to see if I can do that mind. And only that one. Because that would be meditation and that would be a success.

[09:49]

And then people would recognize. Venerable one. And my life would improve. Anyway, it never worked out. But it was a thought, you know. And in the meantime, there's various, you know, ideas of reality, what's real. I'm not very good at this meditation. Is that true? You know, and so on. I'm not very good at this. I don't seem to be able to do this. Those other people seem to like, well, they can really sit still. So anyway, it turns out that meditation is actually a chance to deconstruct or look at how the mind constructs reality and actually deconstruct some of that, some of the way we construct it. And this isn't even on a conscious level. We're not doing any of this consciously. But the fact of sitting or what we say in Zen, just sitting, means that we have a chance to sit and kind of look at how our mind works, how our consciousness constructs reality. And we settle down and we believe it. And then we want to change it and improve it and fix it.

[11:17]

But it's just something we made up as though it was true. So I want to tell you a story. I've probably told you this story before, so forgive me if you've heard it, but I enjoy it. I have a friend in Boston. I first met Sharon here at a Zen and cooking workshop she came to. And right before the first morning of the workshop, Monday morning, I had been asked to move from one cabin to another. And so all my things were out in the middle of the road in some carts with white sheets over them. And then I was trying to find my notes for my first class. So I got into the first class and I said, I'm kind of anxious and kind of upset and stressed because I've had to move from one cabin to another. My stuff is out in the carts and I've had trouble finding my notes. And I don't know where I'm living next and I don't know when I can move.

[12:24]

And Sharon was sitting next to me and Sharon said, oh, thank you. I'm so glad you said that because I'm so anxious, too. And then she grabbed my hand and put it on her chest and her heart was just going thump, [...] thump. That's how I met Sharon. And it turns out that a lot of people in the group are anxious because I'm very formidable. I'm a very scary person. And I'm very temperamental and various things. So the group is worried. People in the group are worried. Will he like me? Am I good enough? Will it be okay to be here with him? What do you think of me? And so forth. And somebody, Sharon said, I heard someone over talking, you know, I heard someone talking in the bath. They said, Ed is really good with knives.

[13:35]

I think they meant, you know, cutting things, vegetables. So anyway, this is how I met Sharon. And it turned out that Sharon, it turns out that Sharon is a, works as a nurse for the homeless in Boston. Sharon said when she went to nursing school, and this was after various other careers, she was a recruiter for an expensive private college on the East Coast. And she used to travel to Asia all the time to do interviews with candidates. But she did various things. And then fairly later, you know, like 40, she went back to school and became a nurse. And she said that all the time that she was becoming a nurse, she knew she wasn't going to be a regular nurse in a hospital. But there's a lot of pressure that if you're a real nurse, you're in a hospital. That's real. That's what being a nurse is. You're in a hospital.

[14:38]

Is that true? Anyway, she thought right away, I'm not going to be in a hospital. So she became a nurse for the homeless. And so her clients have to have a life-threatening disease and refuse to come into shelter. And then she can see them. So she sees about 130 people a week. She has a regular, and she knows where all these people hang out. You know, so one day we were driving down Storrow Drive, and she says, a lot of my clients live up there, you know, in Overpass. I said, you don't go up there, do you? And she says, no, I stay down and I send somebody up there to tell them I'm down here, and then they come down to see me. And she gives out regular medications, you know, for heart diseases and whatever it is, AIDS patients and heart disease and high blood pressure and various things. And one night a week, she drives around in a van giving out food and blankets with another group.

[15:45]

So a while back, Sharon had a client named Richard. And one day, she got a call that Richard's senses died. He was actually imprisoned, and then they got him out, so he finally died kind of at home or in a hotel or something. But anyway, at this time, she got a call that Richard was in the emergency room, had been taken to the emergency room, and would she come. It turned out that when Richard was taken to the emergency room, he began to verbally abuse the staff at the hospital, loudly. And so they have orderlies for this. And they took hold of Richard and they put him face down in a gurney and strapped him down, face down in the gurney, so that as much as possible.

[17:06]

And then he did his best to continue to be abusive verbally. It was more difficult with his face jammed into the pillow, but he managed to some degree. So when Sharon got there, Richard was strapped down, and he was on a gurney, and she didn't know, she said, what to do. And she went over to where he was, and she pulled up a chair. And there was a kind of a curtain there, and she pulled the curtain closed. So she was sitting next to Richard, and she said, I didn't know what to do, so then I reached out my hand and touched him on his back, the small of his back, and I said, Richard, it's me, Sharon. And then she said, I began to rub his back a little bit. After a while, Richard said, Sharon, that feels so good.

[18:22]

And Sharon said, Richard, I will stay here with you as long as you want, but do me a favor and don't yell or shout at anyone, because if you do, they're going to hurt you. And Richard said, okay. And then she continued to massage him, and then just then after that, she started hearing these voices on the other side of the curtain of the nurses. Did you see that? She actually touched that filthy man. She is actually touching him. Did you see that? Do you believe that? So, this is reality. Everybody living in their own reality.

[19:30]

And, you know, we're all, and then we're all of those people, too. We all have, you know, some aspect of ourselves that tends to mouth off loudly about something, and if it's not, you've probably got it pretty well strapped down. And, of course, that's one of the voices that you start to seduce and might not be able to strap it down quite so well, even though you're trying your best to be a good meditator, compassionate, kind, friendly, buoyant, cheerful. And the only way to do that is to strap down anybody who's verbally abusive, even though that's not so kind or compassionate, but it'll do. So, we're somebody who does that, and we're somebody who straps ourselves down, straps down parts of ourselves that are unruly or, you know, might not behave appropriately, reactive.

[20:55]

And we're also someone who can reach out and touch ourself, someone who's having difficulty, someone who's in pain, and be reassuring. I'll be here. I am here. I'm here with you, and I'll be with you. I'll stay with you as long as you want. And we're also someone who, from time to time, says, can you believe that? Sitting with us and stuff, that meditation, that is so strange. What are they doing? What am I doing? This is bizarre. I'm not getting anywhere. Nothing is happening. So, we're watching, you know, in meditation, we're seeing this whole story unfold, this whole panorama.

[22:16]

All the people we might be, all the people we are, and we're touching all of it and knowing all of it. And little by little, we're realizing that we're not, on one hand, we are each of those characters, and we tend to identify, you know. We tend to identify with one or another of those people in the story, of the identities that we each have. We tend to identify with one or another, and we think that life is about having the primary identity carry the day and subdue the other identities. So, we just have the appropriate identity. Wouldn't that be good? The one that we could finally admire and like and respect and honor and get along with, rather than the one that's verbally abusive or sad or depressed.

[23:30]

Or discouraged or frustrated, ashamed, disappointed. Why don't I have the one that is good, successful, skilled, and will get rid of the others. We'll get them to do what I tell them to, because I'm in charge here. So, it doesn't work out, as you all know. It hasn't worked out ever in our life, but somehow we keep thinking that that's the thing to do. Remain committed to the primary project that we set out with long ago, before we even knew what we were doing. Be the person that would finally solve mom and dad's problems. Anyway, excuse me for bringing in psychology, when we're all Buddhists here.

[24:38]

So, in meditation, we're looking at how we create reality, and implicitly, without having to do it consciously, we're starting to deconstruct the way we do this. And we're looking very carefully at how do we go from sensation to pain to, I'm going to get rid of this. I'm unhappy, I'm sad, what do I do about it? And what is it to be unhappy? And instead of jumping to, I'm unhappy, or I'm going to this, we start to examine what are the actual sensations here? What's actually going on here? Is something going on here? Is something really happening? Is this true? Is it true, the stories I tell myself? The reality I've constructed, is it true? So, we're looking at all of that in meditation without even consciously knowing that that's what we're doing. That's what we're doing.

[25:47]

So, over time, we end up, we find that we're not any longer so attached to our story, to our story being true. The kind of person we are, the kind of activity we're engaged in, what we're about, what it would be like to succeed, to be recognized, to be appreciated, to be respected. Would that make a difference? So, this is a little bit like, you know, the kind of expression in Zen. Well, setting aside the meaning of enlightenment, well, what would you do with it if you had it? Is something stopping you? And fundamentally, you know, mind is, we're all free. Mind is free. And we forget that the mind is free.

[26:56]

Our mind is free and that we don't have to believe the story or settle down in the story and then work to make things come out the way we want them to. There could be a different story. Or, you know, in other words, you know, you could say, there could be a story which included all of the stories, rather than a devotion to one story defeating all of them. Defeating the other stories, putting them in their place. Or there could be the story which is no story at all. You wouldn't have to have a story. You wouldn't have to be setting out to prove yourself or to acquire some skills or knowledge, you know, that would make a difference for you.

[28:09]

That would make you somebody different than you are. You wouldn't have to be setting out to do all these things. You wouldn't have to be setting out to, like I do, from time to time, you know. I do all kinds of things. You wouldn't have to be setting out to tell people how wrong they are, how right you are, and so forth, you know, and how they ought to see you differently, and so forth. Anyway, so it's one of the interesting things here is that Zen then doesn't actually offer you instruction so much.

[29:12]

You know, there are many traditions that offer you instruction, and instruction is very interesting. You know, should you have, does instruction help, or does it, you know, and how does instruction help? Because to unconstruct reality, it's just something, we're just, we sit here, and you know, there's no way to do it. There's no way to consciously figure it out. So this is like, there's certain kinds of problems, you know. One kind of problem is the kind of problem you could actually deduce. You can sit down, and you can figure it out, and you can get the answer. And then another kind of problem, which is most of our life, is we're kind of just sorting it out. So meditation is, we're kind of sifting through and sorting things out. At a whole different level, it gives our being a way, a chance to sort things out at a whole different level. And of course, from the level of reality that we usually live in, it's not working. Nothing's happening.

[30:18]

And in the meantime, our being is figuring out how to be in this life, and how to let go of the reality we've believed in and devoted ourselves to. And that's liberating. It's freeing. It's a relief not to have to continue to struggle with the story, to make it come out, have a good ending. So, you know, finally we're doing both. We're letting go of the story, and then, tentatively speaking, we're creating stories, and we're acting on things, and we're doing things, and we're letting go of it, and we're creating it, and we're letting go, and a lot's going on. It's pretty nice.

[31:23]

... ... ... Sharon told me another story recently. A friend of hers had been a nurse for the homeless in Boston and retired and moved up to Maine. And after not working for a couple of years, she got a job distributing medications at a maximum security prison. ... ... ... Some people just can't, you know, let it rest. ...

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... [...]

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... [...] to go back to the dining room. The exceptions are the all-white black chairs and the chairs with the brown and white seat. You can use either the front or the back door.

[40:59]

And we'd also like some students to help you assemble the signal and help guide you down the hallway.

[41:04]

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