Okay, so how did you do at meditation? There was a Zen teacher who one time asked his disciple who was meditating, what are you doing? And the disciple said, I'm not doing anything. He wasn't going to get caught, you know, I'm quieting my mind, I'm not thinking, I'm becoming calm, I'm practicing loving kindness, he said, I'm not doing anything, and the teacher said, if you're not doing anything, you're just wasting your time. So the student continued and said, no, if I was doing something, I wouldn't be wasting

[01:02]

my time. Then the teacher said, kind of backed up a little bit and said, so tell me about what it is you're not doing, and the student said, even a thousand sages couldn't describe it. So we're not sure, you know, at some point, what is the difference between, is this the epitome of meditation or kind of the epitome of mindlessness? But anyway, that's an example of somebody who, you know, wasn't caught up in some kind of idea about what meditation is and how I could accomplish the idea of what meditation is. As I mentioned, this is very tempting, you know, because it's the same with our life,

[02:03]

how are you? How are you? How are you doing? And in order to say anything, you pretty much, there's a little space, you know, to say something without doing this, but pretty much, you know, we have some idea of, I'm doing well at what? At my sort of list of criteria, or I'm doing poorly, I'm not doing so well. I'm kind of sad, and, you know, I'd like to be happy. I'm kind of depressed. I'd rather feel some energy and vitality. I'm doing, you know, things are going great. I'm right on schedule. I'm late, you know, so most of the things we say are in relationship to our agenda. So it's unusual to make a comment. I'm not doing anything, or, you know, there's other kinds of sayings in Zen, like, every day is a good day, or, and my teacher Suzuki, she said, every day is a good day.

[03:08]

It doesn't mean you can't complain, but if every day is a good day, you know, compared to what? All the other good days. This is actually a kind of statement, you know, that's not comparative. So it's easy to get involved anyway in our agenda, our plan, our strategy to accomplish actually what is a kind of verbal construct. I'll quiet my mind. And then we try to do something to our minds to make them quiet. And if they make a noise, we tell them, shut up. Or what's wrong with you anyway? I told you to be quiet now. This is also with our kids who also have a mind of their own, just like your mind has a mind of its own. Or if you try not to think, sometimes people who are very successful at not thinking, they

[04:14]

don't remember their appointments, you know, to go grocery shopping, they're not thinking. If you think meditation is being calm, then suppose you get upset in meditation, oh, you're not meditating well. So we have all these ideas about whether we're doing well or poorly based on, you know, our ideas. So it's rather interesting when you can to set aside your ideas and just see what your experience is. And this is actually the aim of meditation, as much as possible, to see what our experience is outside of the agenda or plan or idea we had or the kind of construct we were trying to put our experience into so that, usually we try to do this so we could succeed or be

[05:16]

right or be good or gain approval. I could accept myself if I succeeded at this agenda that I have, at this plan I have for myself. So actually, you know, we all just had a very, you know, successful meditation. I want to take just a minute or so to point this out to you. Buddhism teaches that there's three marks to conditioned existence, impermanence, suffering and no self. So did you have any particular event or experience, thought, feeling, sensation that continued

[06:19]

for the entire period? Or what did it keep changing? Could you actually do something that you set out to do and make it keep happening? No, because everything is impermanent, everything is transient. So if you didn't succeed at your plan of what to do in meditation, actually in the meantime, you realized impermanence. There's no thought, no feeling, no sensation, nothing that continues moment after moment. And suffering is, you know, various ways to describe it, but could you control your experience and make it be the way you want it to, and it never was the way you didn't want it to be, it always was just the way you wanted it to be. And the fact that it just doesn't happen like that, that's called suffering. Buddhist technical term, you know. You weren't able to do that.

[07:21]

So you just, that second kind of truth you established or noticed, it's not that you established it, but chances are you noticed you couldn't, you know, establish or create an experience that was just the one you wanted to have. And when it was the one you wanted to have, then chances are it ended before you wanted it to, before you were ready to say goodbye to it. And the unpleasant experiences, they just kept bothering you anyway, even though you wanted them to go away. So there was suffering. So this is truth, you know, we all experience it. And then no self, you know, did you find a self that you had and could keep and rely on and count on, and there you were and couldn't find it.

[08:27]

So in spite of this, you know, we keep believing that there's a self and that I could and should and ought to be able to produce the experiences that I want to have and get rid of the ones that I don't want to have. And this meditation ought to help me do that. I still think so sometimes. I've been meditating for 35 years. Some of us are slow, you know, we're just very slow at actually accepting, you know, the truth that is experienced, you know, that any of us can experience any moment, not just in meditation. And we think that if meditation didn't do it, there's probably some better way to do it. So, rather than just giving up our, you know, our strategy and our plan to accomplish what

[09:31]

we want to accomplish and what we think would be good for us to accomplish, we look around usually for another plan that would better tell us what to do. And if we just did what we should, it would all be okay and we would be successful. Does that make sense? Anyway, this is my subject for the night. So recently, you know, I got my new copy of the Sun Magazine and this month is readers writing about losing weight, about diet and dieting. So of course, there are many stories of people who went on diets and then after one week, three weeks, five months, you know, they gained all the weight back and more because that's what happens. It's physiological. They also, for instance, they did a study with healthy men who weighed what they ought to weigh, asked them to lose 25% of their weight, which they did because it was a study,

[10:34]

not because of any social pressure or to look good or to be attractive, but just to be part of the program. And then as soon as they had access to, you know, unregulated amounts of food, they gained all the weight back and more. That's what bodies do. After they feel starved, then they eat. It's not complicated. So this one woman wrote in and she said, isn't it interesting that all the diet programs plans, products, they've almost never studied whether anybody keeps the weight off that they lose through their plan. People are spending billions of dollars and doing, you know, all these things to lose weight. Does anybody ever keep the weight off? So this woman decided to study and to track down people who had lost 50 pounds or more

[11:41]

and kept it off for five years or more. She identified quite a large sampling of these people and they had one thing in common. None of them followed anybody else's plan. They all found out how to do it on their own. They all picked up clues or ideas or... it doesn't mean ignoring, you know, the program or the plan or, you know, somebody's advice or suggestion. If you take to it, great. If you don't, okay. But these people, that was the way they did it. So she and her associate wrote a book about this, how these people all came up, each came up with their own way to lose weight and it actually worked and they kept the weight off because it was theirs, you know, they'd figured it out.

[12:43]

They weren't trying to take some plan and then say to themselves, you know, I can't figure out what to do, so I better do what the plan tells me. Then the plan says do this, don't do that. So then you start to do this, you don't do that, I'm going to do this, I'm not going to do that. Then when you do what you should, that's good. You don't do what you should, that's bad. So then you can have good and bad, right and wrong, according to somebody else's plan for you. And we keep coming back to, we have a tendency to keep coming back to right and wrong, good and bad, and we think that somehow we actually could become that good and that right, according to somebody else's plan. So they wrote a book about these people. It was rejected by 13 publishers who said, write a book about diet.

[13:49]

Write a book that has a diet plan for people because nobody wants a book that tells them you're going to have to figure this out for yourself. What people are looking for is something that tells them what to do. Here's what to do. Take my word for it, you don't have to think about it. This is also why we have recipe books. If you follow the recipe, it will come out the way it should. You don't have to think, smell, taste, touch, or look at anything. When Deborah and I were at the greens cookbook, it said, cook the vegetables, cook the onions until they're translucent, and the editor says, how long? And we're thinking like, do you want to cook the onions by looking at the onions or looking at the clock? Season to taste with vinegar, and the little note says, how much do you want to season

[14:56]

to taste with a measuring spoon or by actually putting something in your mouth? Cook the vegetables until they're as tender as you like. How long? How do we know? You know, our editor was somebody who wanted to get it right, and she assumed that everybody who reads a cookbook wants to get it right, and that's why you'd have a cookbook, so that you don't have to experience anything. You could just do what you were told. And, anyway, then if the plan doesn't work, you know, it's interesting, this is so much a part of our lives, because then if the plan doesn't work, why don't I get a different plan, a plan that works better? I could have a spiritual plan. I could do what my Zen teacher says.

[15:59]

I could do what my Vipassana teacher says. They must know. So I did this for a lot of years with my Zen teacher, and I regret it now. He gave me a lot of bad advice. This is one of my Zen teachers. You know, he was telling me who I ought to be dating and who I shouldn't be dating, and I believed him. Instead of, like, I mean, wouldn't you want to, like, have that to have something to do with your heart? So this is our strong tendency, and it's very difficult, you know, to actually decide.

[17:04]

It's difficult in a certain sense to, you know, before you decide. Once you decide, I will find out for myself what to do in my life. This is incredibly empowering. You know, in some texts, you know, it's the second step of becoming a Buddhist. The first step is recognition of the truth of suffering, impermanence, no self. You all got that. And the second thing is, I'm going to figure out what to do. Given that it's like this, I'm going to find out for myself the answer. You know, I'm going to find out how to live my life. I'm going to find out how to meditate, given that, you know, things don't come out according to any plan I follow. I follow these plans. I have resistances. I can't do what I'm told. It doesn't, you know. And then if you don't, you know, I have a friend who used to be a binge eater and then her therapist said, I'm not working with you anymore, you have too much resistance.

[18:07]

Which means, of course, you're not doing what I told you to. Then we say that's resistance, you know, because you have a mind of your own. But if you do what I told you to, you know, you get over your problem. But actually, her problem was trying to do, trying to looking for somebody else to tell her what to do. And she tried the guru and the therapist. And finally one day it occurred to her, why don't I just figure out for myself what to do? Why don't I start paying attention to my experience? Why don't I start noticing what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking? Why don't I start noticing what I'm tasting? Why don't I just, why don't I start paying attention? People used to say to her, well, does this have anything to do with your eating? You know, have anything to do with your feelings? Oh, I don't know. Basically, you know, the reason why we have unconscious habits, like binge eating and,

[19:10]

um, you know, alcohol, um, various things. I do crossword puzzles. Not the hard ones like the New York Times, but kind of just the ones that are in the Chronicle, you know? And I can do a crossword puzzle and I write capital letters in ink. And then I can just, you know, like, I don't have to think about anything because the problem with being conscious is all those, you should this, you shouldn't that. Here's what you ought to be doing. Why isn't it coming out? You know, why aren't you calmer? You've been a Zen teacher all these years. You're so depressed. What's wrong with you anyway? Spiritual practice, I guess, didn't help you, you know? Look at you now. You know, your life isn't going anywhere. So I can tell myself all these things. So the thing to do is just go unconscious, work on a crossword puzzle, you know, take a nap, you know, the answer. That's the answer. And then, because as soon as you're conscious, you're going to have all these things going

[20:13]

on, all these voices that are telling you what to do. In Zen, we say, that's a head above your head. Don't put a head above your head. It's very hard not to have a head above your head that knows better than you do. You know, you ought to this, you ought to that, what's, you know, hey. Before I came over here tonight, I, the last minute I realized, I don't have my flyers. So then I think, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you think of this earlier in the day? Why are you just waiting to last minute all the time? Can't you remember these things? It's no wonder your life and blah, blah, blah, just endless. So I can come over here and, you know, meditate and then, you know, kind of like, forget about it. Okay. But anyway, the reason to go unconscious is then so you get away from all those voices that are telling you, do this, don't do that. What's wrong with you anyway? You should this, you shouldn't that. And then, so if you get unconscious and then, so for some of us, the way to get unconscious

[21:15]

is to eat. And that's pretty good. That's what my friend noticed, you know, if you eat, you go unconscious. So it really works. It works. It actually is satisfying. It's actually meeting a need to get away from all those voices in your head that are about right and wrong and good and bad. And here's the plan that you ought to be following. You ought to be somebody who's losing weight and here's the way to do it. And why aren't you doing that? And what's wrong with you? And then you want to get away from all of that. I mean, that's oppressive. That's oppression. That's coercion. That's domination. You know, that's the Western. Did you see that thing in the paper about Salman Rushdie is moving to New York because he said that the intellectual world in London is bitchy and backbiting? And this woman in the Guardian in London, she wrote, anybody who leaves here for the

[22:18]

United States is a sneaky, treacherous little rat. And there's only two reasons why somebody in Britain would want to move to America. It's because they're wealthy and they're greedier to get more rich or because they worship evil. He wants to move to that country that has the cowboy boot on top of the rest of the world. That country that's done, has done, is doing and will do more damage to the planet than Nazi Germany. And he's moving there. Well, good riddance. Well, that was scathing, huh? So why not eat? You know, have a drink, you know, smoke a cigarette and that voice, all those voices will shut up. You know, you just space out, you zone out in your habit of choice and you

[23:19]

can get away from all those plans for you. You know, that tell you how to be and what to do and who you are and what you ought to measure up to and what your life should look like and why doesn't it yet. And, you know, you know, you should be meditating, exercising, you know, whatever it is. So we, you know, so it's actually useful to have some habit, you know, where you can get away. But then the problem is when you come to again, you know, this problem when you come to and the voices see what happens, see what happens when when I leave you alone, when I leave you to your own devices, see what happens. You eat too much, don't you? I had another friend who was anorexic before, you know, people were anorexic before it was like, you know, anybody knew about it. And then one day she looked at the cover of Time magazine and Karen Carpenter, somebody

[24:24]

had died from being anorexic and suddenly anorexia was big news. And she realized, my God, I was anorexic back then. But the way she got over being anorexic was becoming why becoming a drunk. Because she would drink and drink and drink. And then at some point she would black out and she'd wake up in the morning and there'd be all these food wrappers all over her room. She would go unconscious and then be able to eat while she was unconscious and then wake up. And then and then what do you tell yourself then? Look at you, you went ahead and eat. You were all drinking. You're such a miserable, bad person. You know, I can't ever leave you alone. You better just listen to everything I say. I'm obviously going to have to oppress you even better than I did before, because otherwise, look what happens. So then we become even more oppressive with ourselves, you know, because we're not

[25:25]

living up to what we said we would and what we were telling ourselves to do. And then there's all the more reason to get away from that. So this in various forms is a kind of pattern for our life. Meditation, you know, the idea is step out of it. Don't make up a lot of ideas, you know, have as few ideas as possible about what it should be, what it should look like, what you're trying to accomplish, what you're trying to produce, what your state of mind should be, you know, whatever. And just study whatever it is. Just take an interest in whatever's going on. So my friend, my first friend, you know, who was binge eating, not the anorexic, she decided I'm going to figure this out. She said, at that time, I had no reason to think that I could figure it out. I decided to do it anyway. I had no reason to think I could because I never had. So why would I think I could?

[26:25]

But I decided to do it anyway. It's my life. Why would somebody else know better than me about my life and what I truly want, what I truly long for, you know, what I truly wish for my life, what I truly like to do, who I truly like to be, how I want to live? Who would know that for me? So this is, you know, the kind of part of Buddhism which says like the Buddha said when he was, you know, some traditions in Buddhism say when the Buddha was first born, he took seven steps in each direction. And then he said, I alone in the world am the world honored one. Anyway, at some point, you know, the teaching of Buddhism is just for you. You alone, the teaching is for you alone, and nobody is going to take your place. Nobody's going to do it for you. Nobody can tell you finally how to do it. And I was serious at the beginning of the evening tonight when I said,

[27:29]

it's helpful to have somebody's permission. That's one of the things the Buddha did, too. You know, he was sitting, and at some point, Mara comes and says, who do you think you are figuring things out for yourself? Why aren't you buying into one of these programs? Why aren't you doing what you should be doing? Why are you sitting down here figuring out everything for yourself? Just who do you think you are to figure things out for yourself? And the Buddha is said to have touched the ground. The ground is my witness. I've actually had a lot of previous lives, and I have the support of the ground and, you know, all beings. Everything is with me. Everything is with each of us. So you can figure it out.

[28:31]

You can, you know, find out. I used to find this terribly depressing, you know? My Zen teachers used to say, Buddhism is up to you. And I thought, my God, me? If it's up to me, it's nothing, it's not going anywhere. It's not gonna, it's not going to happen. Can't you just tell me what to do? Whatever you say, I'll do it. But now I appreciate that kind of, you know, understanding that kind of teaching. Buddhism is up to you. You're the only one, nobody can take over your position. You know, nobody else can be you. And again, this doesn't mean you don't listen to anybody, you don't have a teacher, you don't talk to anybody, you're not gonna take any advice. No, you, there's advice, there's clues, there's bits and pieces.

[29:34]

Another one of the women who wrote in, there was a few men who wrote in too, the son. But another woman said she'd had trouble, you know, losing weight. And she'd gained a lot of weight with her, when her daughter was born. And she was dropping off her daughter at a friend's house and going to dance class. And she said her friend was sitting there having a piece of pie for breakfast. And she couldn't believe it. And the woman, you know, sort of ordinary weight, wasn't way overweight, she's having pie for breakfast. That's wrong. You don't have pie for breakfast. You've got to have your, the other day I was with someone, it's all low fat yogurt. Because that's right, that's the thing to have. She was too thin. Boy, if she'd lived with me, she'd put on weight. But anyway, so, and then, at some point, the woman sits there and she,

[30:41]

she kind of like, hmm, that was good. And there's still pie left on the plate. And she says, oh, that was good. And then she threw the rest of the pie in the trash. And the woman goes off to the dance class and all she can see is that pie in the trash. That was good pie. It's, it's in the trash. And then it occurred to her, you know,

[31:55]

You know, she thought to herself, I've been studying what people who are overweight do or should do, why don't I study how thin people live? So she made up her own program called, Take a Thin Person to Lunch Each Week. Well, that seems perfectly sensible, you know. I've sometimes, when I do cooking classes, I say to people, taste what you put in your mouth.

[33:00]

Just taste it. And then people say, what should I taste? This is how strong our conditioning is. And then if you ever, if I ask people, what did you taste? Nobody wants to say. They might be wrong. And the main thing that people are willing to say is, that was good, that was bad. I like this better than that. But they don't say, oh, that was a little sweet or sour or tart or pungent or peppery or salty or kind of bland. It's hard for us to experience anything outside of good, bad, I like it, I don't like it.

[34:03]

This is our first criteria for any experience. Is it good, is it bad? Do I like it, do I not like it? In basic Buddhism and in Vipassana practice, it's, is it pleasant or unpleasant? That's crucial. But anyway, so we're very, even in experiencing our own experience, we're very cautious about saying for ourselves what it is. Owning our own experience, to own your own experience. And then it's no wonder that, you know, we don't trust our bodies or, you know, trust ourselves to find our way in our life and we look to somebody else's plan. This is the basis for, you know, Vipassana practice, noting, thinking, feelings, anger, sadness. You know, you actually notice and you actually name it rather than I like it, I don't like it.

[35:05]

Good, bad. Good, bad, then you just note, thinking. I like it, thinking. So you start to notice what's going on and then pretty soon your life changes from the information and from your actual awareness and not because you come up with a better plan to impose on yourself. Your life changes through your greater awareness because you taste what's in your mouth, you see what you see, you know what you feel, you know what you think. I had a friend who was a Zen teacher who has since died and she at one point divorced her husband. Her husband was a college professor and had over the years, would have affairs with his students. And finally she said, I don't want to live with you anymore.

[36:11]

And he said, but you're a Zen teacher, Zen teachers should be more understanding. Zen teachers should be more compassionate than that. Zen teachers should be forgiving. What do you think? And she said, it's because I'm a Zen teacher, I know exactly what I feel and what I think and I don't choose to live with you anymore. That's taking responsibility, that's owning, you know, your experience and acting on it. It's not being caught by, oh, you should be more compassionate. You should be more forgiving. You're a Buddhist teacher. So we get caught by things, you know, we get caught by things and we want to be a member of a certain group, you know.

[37:26]

So like, we want to be like, oh, kind, loving person. So then what does the kind, loving person do? What should the kind, loving person do? In this case, I would like to be a kind, loving person. I'd like to be a savvy investor. I'd like to be, you know, whatever, thin, you know, happy, you know, dynamic. So we have some idea in our mind and we think that's the group of people, you know, that's the thing I want to be a member of. And then how do I, what should I do to get into that group? And then other people say, oh, you're not behaving like that, the way you should be a member of that group. Zen teacher, oh, you should be more compassionate. According to my idea of what compassion looks like. But anyway, my friend said, it's because I'm a Zen teacher. I know exactly what I feel.

[38:28]

I'm not choosing to live with you anymore. I don't choose to do that right now. I chose for many years to do that. So in a way, you know, it's growing up. But there's a particular kind of growing up. And, you know, in a way, when we talk about Buddhist, you know, liberation in Buddhism, it's really to be liberated from all these ideas we have and plans we have for ourself. Because before you have any plans and before, you know, you're a good or bad meditation student or a good or bad spouse or a good or bad parent, you're here. You're alive. You know, here we are. We're here. We're alive. We're already here with everything. And there's no question. And then you can talk about it one way or another.

[39:31]

Good, bad. Success, failure. Measured up, didn't measure up. And mostly that's like the Zen teacher said. If I was doing something, I'd be wasting my time. I'm not doing anything. If I was doing something, I'd be wasting my time. I'd be trying to prove that I was a really good meditator. I'd be trying to quiet my mind. I'd be coercing myself. I'd be judging myself. I'd be being hard on myself. I'd be doing all these things. If you want to be free, we have to let go of some of these ideas. You know, most of these plans and ideas. And then, you know, our heart. Our heart has a chance to, you know. Our larger life in Zen, we call it big mind sometimes, you know. Big mind, when small mind is quiet or calm, not busy, chasing after this or that.

[40:37]

In big mind, we resume our big mind, our large heart. And then what will you do? What will you say? You know, something comes out of us, doesn't it? We don't have to figure it out ahead of time. Something comes out of us. And we're saying hello or goodbye or, you know, doing something. Because it's not like we're just going to... If we don't have a plan, it's not like we're just going to sit here. At some point, something moves us. I'll tell you my favorite food poem to end my talk. There's another food poem I'll have to memorize, and then I could use that instead. But this is, you know, one of Rilke's sonnets to Orpheus is about food.

[41:41]

It's very powerful. So I'll tell you Rilke's sonnet. The version I know is from Stephen Mitchell's translation. Round apple, smooth banana, melon, gooseberry, peach. How all this affluence speaks death and life in the mouth. Isn't that amazing? Usually you forget that it's speaking death and life. Usually you think, oh, this is just about harvest. Taste something carefully. I sense, observe it in a child's transparent features while he tastes. This comes from far away. What miracle is happening in your mouth while you eat? Instead of words, discoveries flow out. Astonished to be free. Dare to say what apple truly is. The sweetness that feels thick, dark, dense at first,

[42:46]

then exquisitely lifted in your taste grows clarified, awake, luminous, double-meaning, sunny, earthy, real. Oh, knowledge, pleasure, joy, immense. Thank you.

[43:04]

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