Good evening. Well, I got worried as soon as I started to come over here, I got worried that when I opened my mouth I would embarrass myself. How's it going? Have I done it yet? And then I thought, well, maybe I'll open my mouth and nothing will come out, and that would be even more embarrassing, probably if nothing came out rather than if something came out. But, you know, to give a talk I have to reveal myself a bit. I don't have to, but the kind of talks I give tend to be kind of revealing. And I figure, you know, that if I can reveal myself in front of all of you,

[01:09]

then, you know, you have a little permission to reveal yourself now and again, too. And that it's not so bad, you know, that you could... And if you did embarrass yourself, it wouldn't be too bad, you know, if you embarrassed yourself in front of a few people rather than me embarrassing myself in front of all of you. So this should be very encouraging for you, already, right off, you know. So then I was thinking, you know, then the next thing I do is I think of, well, what would my teacher say? So I recall Suzukuroji saying, What is Zen? Anything you say, that's Zen. But on the other hand, anything you say, that's not Zen. So that about covers it, you see. I can say what I want and it's all Zen or it's all not Zen or, you know. Then you can decide, you know, which is what you'll do anyway,

[02:13]

even if I didn't tell you, you could do that. You know, because you will decide he doesn't know what he's talking about. I don't need to listen to that. I don't believe him when he says that. Or you could, you know, you could listen to it and you could, you know, you might hear something. But mostly I think, you know, mostly I think, you know, it's not like I can give a talk and then you can change the way you really, you know, like it will make any real big difference in your life. You'll pretty much probably go on doing things the way you usually do. So then I figure, like, well, let's have a good time and enjoy ourselves and talk about some things anyway. You can see I'm scratching my head over that one. Okay. So. So why don't I tell you what I was really going to talk about tonight?

[03:17]

I thought I'd talk about two things. Tonight I'm interested in talking about mindfulness, which is, you know, some people say the most basic thing about Buddhism is mindfulness. Now, other people, of course, might say, you know, the most important thing is like enlightenment or, you know, otherwise what's the point? But mindfulness is, you know, from a lot of points of view pretty pivotal and it's not something that's shared exactly with other traditions. So I want to talk about mindfulness. And the other thing I'm going to talk about, you know, I like to go back to basics. So basics in this case is Dogen Zenji's guidelines or recommendation of meditation zazen for all people. So I will tell you a little bit about that. And you're all familiar with it, most of you.

[04:21]

I'll bring it up again anyway. It bears repeating. So first of all, I want to mention basic, you know, simple understanding of mindfulness is to be aware of something without judgment or to be aware without trying to control the object of your awareness, without trying to get the object of awareness to do what you want it to. This is a very simple idea, but, you know, as soon as anybody mentions mindfulness, it's misused all the time. You know, so if there's a mess down the cafeteria, you might hear someone say, oh, whoever was here wasn't very mindful. Well, they might have been very mindful of the fact that they left the stuff there and decided to leave it there. They might notice, oh, there's all that stuff there.

[05:26]

I'm leaving. I'm out of here. I'm not going to clean that up. And they, you know, mindfulness means they would notice the stuff on the counter and they would notice that they just decided to leave. And they might notice, well, that's lazy or they might notice some other characteristics about it. But mindfulness doesn't mean controlling it or, you know, you could be aware of being lazy or idle or, you know, angry or unhappy. But mostly we think about, if I was mindful, then everything would be positive or something like that, you know. It's supposed to be some kind of thing that makes everything better. And it does make everything better, but not the way we usually think about it. So I want you to keep this in mind as I, you know, I'll come back to it. Mindfulness is to be aware without judging good or bad, right or wrong, and without trying to control it with your awareness.

[06:28]

You know, this comes up all the time. You see something and you want it to be, we want it to be more beautiful. Or we hear a sound and we don't want to hear that sound. Or we want to hear more of that sound. Or we have a feeling that we like. So we try to control our experience and we do it in various ways. And so for that matter, to be aware of how you try to control experience, that's being mindful. That's as important as anything. Okay. So Dogen's instructions for meditation or his recommendation of zazen for everyone, over the last year or, you know, I don't know, some time ago I worked with Paz on a translation

[07:33]

for The Next Moon in a Dew Drop. I forget what it's called. But we have a new book, you know, coming out. Zen Center has a new book of translations of Dogen coming out. One of these days. So I will tell you the beginning of this and then talk about it a little bit. At the beginning, you know, the first sentence is, the real way circulates freely. The real way circulates freely. How could it require practice or enlightenment? The essential teaching is fully available. What effort would be necessary? The entire mirror is free of dust. Why take steps to polish it? Nothing is apart from this very place. Why journey away? The real way circulates freely.

[08:49]

The way, you know, is actually not apart from our life but we keep thinking, well, if the way was such a part of my life, everything would be going better. What kind of way is this where actually I'm tired or, you know, my shoulder hurts? This couldn't be the real way. This must be some off way that I've got. So right away we have doubts, you see. You know, you won't believe me. I can say all I want and, you know, I can say, and Dogen said, and then, you know, will you believe it? The real way circulates freely. So that means, you know, one's entire life, everything that happens is the real way. It's circulating freely. It can't be apart from your life. There's not any possibility of that. And yet we say, well, there must be some way where I didn't have to have

[09:53]

the problems I have or the aches and pains I have or the heartache I have or the, you know, this trouble. And I want to learn that way. That's the way I want. I don't want the one then that circulates freely. Forget that one. Tell me the one where I don't have to be angry or, you know, I don't have to have fear. Tell me about that way and how to do that way because I'd rather not have the experiences I'm having. This couldn't be the real way. So in another place, for instance, Dogen says the first thing when you're going to practice Buddhism is to trust in Buddhism. And to trust in Buddhism is to trust that your life already is, always has been in the, is, and always has been the Buddha way. There's not some other way

[10:54]

outside of your life, outside of your experience that you need to, like, somehow abandon your own life and then take up Buddhist practice and do all the right practices and zazen and meditation and study and get enlightenment and then it's all going to be better. And then you will arrive, eventually you will get to, like, oh, now at last I'm in this nice, beautiful van or, you know, vehicle. I've had this broken down jalopy. The tires have been getting flat. Various things have gone wrong. But now I have this beautiful vehicle. Everything is going smoothly. I must have arrived in the Buddha way. Dogen says, so, if you want to trust in Buddhism, you trust that your life is already within the Buddha way. There's no upside down, no mistake, no wrong thinking. Your life is the way.

[11:58]

But we keep thinking, no, it's not. My life, I'm deluded. I've got these problems, you know. So this is pretty important, okay? This is also like, Suzuki Rishi said, own your own body and mind. To practice zen is to own your own body and mind. Or, you know, Thich Nhat Hanh says, you re-inhabit yourself. Move back in. This is the Buddha way. Your life, your body and mind is the Buddha way. There's not something like, you need to make up something special. He says, right here, how could any practice or enlightenment, you know, how could it require any practice or enlightenment? Already within the Buddha way. Zen Master Bankei says, you know, just realize this and then do what you want.

[13:00]

Anyway. The essential teaching is fully available. How could effort be necessary? Every moment, you know, there's experience and it's right there. This is the teaching. And a lot of our experience, you know, and we don't like it. We say, oh no, it's not the one I wanted. I don't care whether it's the essential teaching or not. So we decide, you know, I want it, I don't want it. And you know, the mirror, the entire mirror is free of dust. The mirror, of course, is our mind.

[14:05]

You know, we use that metaphor for mind or consciousness. Because the mirror of our mind reflects things. And it actually reflects things quite well. So you can be confused and, you know, that confusion can be an accurate reflection. This is pretty simple, you know. And yet we go, but I don't want confusion. I don't care if it's an accurate reflection. I want to be clear. So then why take steps to polish it? If the mirror is already free of dust, why take steps to polish it? So all the time we question, you know, why I'm having this experience? Why do I have to have anger or sorrow or grief? So many different things. Isn't there some way, you know, other way?

[15:14]

And what mindfulness does, you know, is just touch things and let them be. Not try to fix them, not try to improve them, not try to control them. So mindfulness, you know, you can look at mindfulness as the way to practice this teaching. Because somehow, actually, you know, the next sentence, of course, in this, in the fukan zazengi is, if you miss the mark by even a strand of hair, that's as distant as heaven from earth. This is a little bit mysterious, you know, like, what is it to miss the mark or to hit the mark? So I have my ideas for tonight. Do you want to hear my idea or do you want to make up your own? And you can make up your own in any case, but I mean, so I'm lecturing, so I'll tell you my idea and then... But I don't want you to think that my idea is the right idea, right? You can have whatever idea you want. I don't care. And it's better if you have your own idea and not just take my idea. But my idea about missing the mark,

[16:20]

if you miss the mark... You know, if you miss, you know, what this moment is, the nature of this moment, the qualities and nature and, you know, the nuances or qualities of this moment, and you're busy saying, it's not the moment I wanted, it's not the experience that I asked for. I think most of us would rather go, you know, we have the idea that you... that if I practice Buddhism, it would be like going to... I get to go out to nice restaurants and then order whatever I want from the menu and then it'll just be served to me. But, of course, Buddhism is much more family style. And it's family style and you don't get to pick what you get. And it's just served to you. And then if you, you know, if you miss the mark, you, you know, you go out the door and you don't,

[17:22]

you know, you don't sit down to eat. So if you eat whatever's served to you, in this case, you know, this is hitting the mark. And some things are very distasteful, I agree. And I brought up anyway, you know, what it is to miss the mark when I talked about, you know, do we actually believe the real way circulates freely and that our life is the real way. There's no mistake. There's no upside down. There's no wrong thinking. You know, we are on our path path, you know, each of us is on our path, the path, the way.

[18:23]

And it comes, each of it, you know, comes with its, each path comes with its own characteristics and flavorings, you know, and various things that we're working with or working through, or things that we're stopped by on our path. So from this point of view, you know, to practice is not about making a lot of effort to, you know, you, we can all, you know, relax and, you know, have some confidence in, you know, our life unfolding, you know, in our life, you know, in our life revealing itself to

[19:30]

us. You know, over time, our life, you know, reveals to us our path. We don't need to, you know, be consciously figuring out what to do, how to practice, you know, I, and because most of our thinking about that is going to be, you know, how do I make it all better? You know, so as we go on in the Bhutan Zazengi, Dogen says, well, first of all, I want to tell you, you know, he says, if you're, so he says, if you're wandering about in your head, this is our new translation, I love it. If you're wandering about in your head, he says, you can have all kinds of great understandings, you know, and wisdom and enlightenment and, but if you're wandering about in your head, you may miss the vital path of letting your body leap, letting your body leap, you know,

[20:37]

and in this sense, you know, Zen has this confidence that your body knows the way and if you're wandering about in your head with all this, like, well, if I just did this and if I could get that and, you know, if I could concentrate better or if I didn't let this disturb me or, you know, we have these various strategies and plans and we keep coming up with these things and like, how are we going to make it, you know, improve everything and get better at this, you know, how are we going to do that and like, why don't we just relax and, you know, let our body leap, you know, all that wandering, all that various plans and strategies, you know, is wandering, what this is called, wandering about in your head. What about letting your body leap? And of course, this reminded me because a couple weeks ago I was here and I was talking about leaping off the pole, so now when I read tonight, we read about the fukunsa thinking, you know, if you're wandering about in your head, you will miss the way of letting your

[21:38]

body leap, the vital path of letting your body leap. Our body in that sense, you know, is full of vitality and energy and, but it becomes, the problem becomes because we want to direct it and we want to make it, you know, the way we'd like it to and we don't want to listen to, you know, the teaching of our body because we have better ideas, you know, so we will have various problems and over time, you know, we will figure it out or not. But this kind of sense is, you know, well, let's go ahead and be confident and trust in, you know, our life to carry us forward and life in practice or life in the world to, you know, to carry us along and bring us what, you know, we need and to go ahead and go forward and not worry too much about, you know, is it all getting better, am I getting

[22:42]

somewhere, am I improving, am I becoming a good sense student, am I getting it right. So, as you know, Dogen says then, a little bit later in the Fukunse Zengi, do not think good or bad, do not judge right or wrong. Let go of, you know, involvements, let go of myriad, let myriad things rest. Cease or stop, you know, conscious endeavor, cease conscious endeavor and analytic introspection. Don't try to be a Buddha, this is a big problem for, you know, most of us, trying

[23:46]

to become, you know, attain some perfection. And, you know, as soon as you, I'm, you know, I have a lot of experience with this over the years, so I'm an expert of becoming perfect. I thought it would be a good idea, if, you know, if I was perfect I wouldn't have to worry about sitting up here and embarrassing myself, as it is, you know, I get a little concerned about that and, you know, if I was perfect then nobody could have any complaints or problems with me, if there was any problems it would be their problem, not mine, because I'm perfect. Anyway, and I thought it would be also useful, you know, to help other people if I was perfect.

[24:47]

But you know, at some point, of course, you know, it turns out that being perfect is not much of a help for other people and that it's much more helpful for other people if I'm not perfect and I feel okay about not being perfect, because then you could feel okay about not being perfect too, and that seems like a much better example for a Zen teacher to provide, you know, it's an example of not being perfect and that it's okay. But I've tried over the years to be perfect and then, you know, the problem with this and, you know, this is a big problem, as I say, because, you know, the problem is that then every little thing that's not perfect is a big thing that's not perfect. Do you understand? Just the slightest, you know, like emotional little, you know, confusion or uncertainty or sadness or, you know, it's like, oh no, it's not perfect anymore, there's this negative

[25:54]

emotion here, oh God, I'm a failure, I'm still not perfect, God, I'm not buddhi yet, oh darn, and then that's so distressing when you have your heart set on being perfect. Anyway, a lot of you aren't looking like you believe me when I'm saying this, but I can assure you, if you're trying to be perfect, you know, pretty little things can be a big problem, anyway. So I also wanted to, you know, I don't know, have you had enough of my talking tonight? Should I just go home now? Is that good for tonight? Or, you know, I have a couple of the stories I was thinking about telling. Huh? I could say, all right, a couple of stories? Well, I have a couple of Zen stories for you tonight, and we'll see where that leads.

[27:04]

You know, I like this story very much where, I think it's one of the people in the story is Yakusan, you know, where the teacher says, the student is sitting in meditation and the teacher says, what are you doing? What are you doing? And the student, is it Yakusan who's the student? Do you remember? Huh? Yaoshan? Yeah, in Japanese, Yaoshan? Yaoshan? Yeah. Yaoshan said, I'm not doing anything, and his teacher said, if you're not doing anything, you're wasting your time, or you're just sitting idly. And then the student said, no, if I was doing something, that would be a waste of time. That would be wasting my time. Then, you know, the teacher said, well, tell me something about, what is it you're not doing? Tell me something about this, and the student said, oh, even 10,000 sages can't describe

[28:06]

it. So, I want to, you know, look at this question about doing, because for me, anyway, you know, for tonight, it's related to mindfulness. Mindfulness is not about doing. Mindfulness is just to be aware, and you're not going to do anything about what you're aware of. You're aware of sound, and taste, and sight, and emotions, and feelings, and pleasant and unpleasant, and hindrances, and you're not, and mindfulness doesn't do anything about any of that. Mindfulness is not something that does anything. Mindfulness is just aware. It's not trying to fix it, control it, improve it, you know, judge it, good or bad, right or wrong. Mindfulness just touches it. With your awareness, you touch something. So, this is not doing.

[29:07]

You know, so if somebody said, what are you doing in meditation? You could say, well, I'm doing mindfulness, you know, I'm practicing mindfulness, I'm practicing just touching what arises in my experience moment after moment, and letting it be. In this case, you know, Yaoshan said, I'm not doing anything. You know, this, because doing, you know, doing covers a lot of things, but, you know, mostly we'll be busy doing various things, because we're, you know, I talk to people, and then people want to know, well, how do I quiet my mind? Well, you want to be busy quieting your mind, that's a doing. You want to empty your mind, you could be doing that. You want to enlighten your mind, you know, there's a lot of things you can be doing in meditation. And we get very busy, you know, I try to tell people now, don't try to quiet your mind.

[30:15]

If you try to quiet your mind, then what happens? Every little thing that comes up, it's not quiet. And then pretty soon, like, you have this big blanket on your mind. So there's a lot of things to do, and he says, no, I'm not doing any of those things, but the problem with doing, you know, and then the teacher says, well, if you're not doing anything, you're wasting your time. You should be doing something. You know, you shouldn't just be sitting there wasting your time and idling, you know, away. You need to be, you should be focused. And he says, no, if I was doing something, that would be a waste of time. So I want to talk to you a little bit about why, you know, what I see, how doing is a waste of time, okay? I like doing, you know, I like to get things done. You know, when I drive a car, I like to get, go someplace.

[31:17]

But there's a perfect example of what's the problem about doing? Well, if you're trying to go someplace when you're driving, then everybody is in your way. And so, as soon as you try to do something, you have all these hindrances and obstacles and resistances and problems, you know? So, if you're just sitting there in the car and going along with the traffic, you know, and you're not doing anything, like trying to get someplace, I can't understand it. I don't, you know, a lot of people seem to be very zen when they go driving because they don't seem to be trying to go anywhere at all. The light changes, you know, from red to green and, you know, they kind of sit there and like, oh, I guess the light changed, oh, oh yeah, the gas, yeah, where is that pedal? Which foot was that? And after a while, finally the car goes forward and then the next person in the next car has to figure all that out too. You know, if they just stepped on the gas when the light turned green, you know, you could

[32:27]

get through the light too, but no! So as soon as you try to do anything and if you try to quiet your mind, then, or if you try to focus or you try to be concentrated, then all these things become distractions and hindrances and resistances, which otherwise might be interesting, or they might be the way, or they might be the essential teachings. How would you know? No, you're busy doing something, so when you're busy doing something, you have to eliminate, you're not open anymore, you know, because you start to focus, we start to focus on what I'm doing. And then, you know, so our mind actually, you know, our mind then becomes limited when we get busy doing something. We limit our mind, so we're just going to focus on, am I getting it done or not getting it done? The thing that I described. So part of doing also has to do with the description that you make of what it is you're doing.

[33:32]

And then you check to see, am I doing what I said? Am I doing my description? And actually our mind is, you know, then we narrow our mind down and we're checking on, am I doing that or not? And then, you know, everything else becomes irrelevant and we're not open to everything else, so we actually make our mind small in order to do something. And to do that one little thing and then not notice, you know, everything else. So this is, you know, the problem about doing. And then you have, you know, your success and failure about, and it's just something you made up that you were going to do. So, you know, Suzuki Roshi said, you know, the same kind of thing.

[34:34]

As soon as you try to do something, you make your mind limited. Why not have your mind be big, you know, let big mind, and actually, you know, when you control small mind, small mind which decides to do this or that and not, you know, and do one thing or another, and, you know, improve this or perfect that or, you know, have more better experiences, less, you know, more pleasant experiences, fewer unpleasant ones, get all that figured out, and that's what we call, you know, small mind or monkey mind. You know, it's always busy, and when your mind isn't so busy, then big mind has a chance to express itself. But you're not doing anything. Big mind goes ahead and meets the world, you know, is one with the world already. And your life goes on, and you're not stopping to go like, am I, is it getting done, is it

[35:36]

not getting done, am I getting better, am I getting worse, am I getting things straightened out, and so on, because then you'll look just for that little piece of evidence. And so much of your experience becomes kind of irrelevant or in the way or it's an obstacle or a hindrance, a distraction from getting done what you want to do. So this is interesting, you know, the teacher says, well, what is, you know, if you're not doing anything, you know, how do you describe this? When you're going to do something, you can describe it. You can say what you're going to do, I'm going to stand up, I'm going to sit down.

[36:36]

But if you're not doing anything, you know, what, how do you describe that? And there, you know, of course, there's many descriptions in, you know, in this case he says even 10,000 sages can't describe it. But, you know, this is also, we could say, you know, he could say, I'm letting my body leave, you know, that would be a description. So mindfulness, you know, mindfulness is, you know, pretty important then, because mindfulness,

[38:06]

you know, you can be doing or not doing and you're aware, you know, you can be aware. I'm trying to quiet my mind. I want to quiet my mind. I want to do this or I want to do that. And mindfulness, you know, mindfulness, with mindfulness, you just touch everything, you know, in your life. You touch and taste everything and you don't have to worry about it much, one way or another. And mindfulness has this wonderful, you know, tremendous power and capacity in your life because it makes it possible to actually, you know, in a sense, to own your own body and mind, because to be mindful is actually to touch something and when you touch something you can also let go of it.

[39:07]

And usually we try to let go of things without touching them, okay? And so that's called repression or, you know, it means you try to let go of something that means you store it someplace in your body, someplace in your being, you know, whether it's grief or sorrow or anger or shame or frustration, you can, you, like, I'm not going to have that and I'm not going to touch it. I'm going to keep it at a distance from me. And then, you know, pretty soon, you know, things can't connect in your being, things don't connect and you will feel disconnected, you know, and you won't feel like one and you will feel unsettled and it's from choosing to not to touch what's there. And not to touch what's there then is to how we actually continue to feel isolated and

[40:15]

separate and disconnected and, you know, the pain and suffering of our life is because we won't touch it. And the pain is actually, you know, this is actually a greater pain, you know, not to touch things than to touch things. We think, oh, this would be a pain to touch what's there in my life, but actually it's a greater pain not to. So we're, you know, by practice, actually, we cultivate the capacity to touch what's there, you know, to hit the mark, touch what's there, not making up, you know, not trying to be a perfect Zen student, not trying to, you know, perform everything, you know, beautifully, but to express yourself in your life and to go through your activity and to see what comes up and to touch it and be with it. So this is the big, you know, this is the main, you know, healing in Buddhism, to touch

[41:22]

things with your awareness. And this awareness is an awareness that's compassionate and kind and warm because the compassion is that you're not trying to correct it or fix it. When you're aware of something, you don't make it wrong. Mostly when we're aware of something unpleasant in our life, some sorrow or pain, I must have done something wrong. We make the feeling wrong, we make ourself wrong for feeling that. I must not be a good Zen student. In mindfulness, there's this capacity just to touch, and we all have it. Buddhism actually says that every moment there's an element of mindfulness, and the point of practice is not, you know, that you need to create mindfulness, but to, you know, strengthen it. So it's to touch something with, and compassion, you know, as we heard a couple of weeks ago, compassion is to listen deeply, you know, to just receive, you know, to receive, you

[42:28]

know, so you reveal yourself to yourself. In meditation, you reveal yourself to yourself, you listen to yourself with compassion, you receive, you experience, you know, you realize who you are. And you don't decide ahead of time, I'm going to be quiet, perfect Buddha. You realize you. So, you know, with mindfulness, then, you know, the various parts of our life that have been disconnected, we can touch them, and then, you know, they don't, we don't have to keep parts of ourselves separate from other parts. There's not one part of ourselves saying, I can't stand it.

[43:31]

Don't be such a baby. That's one of mine. That's why I can tell it to you. Don't be such a baby. Can you imagine how you feel when, you know, you tell yourself that all the time? Do you think that makes you happy or sad? No. It's very annoying to hear somebody tell you that. But then, you know, so do you try, then what are you going to do about it? Huh? So then if you say to the voice that says, you know, don't be such a baby, and then you say, stop talking to me like that, where will it end? So at some point it's just mindful, you know, aware, and, you know, not trying to stop it

[44:39]

or start it or correct it or fix it. And so, you know, mindfulness has the capacity then to absorb everything. You know, it's, and it's not, you know, when I say mindfulness, but that's actually then you yourself. You have the capacity. I think that's about it for tonight. Just about it. Anyway, I also want to say, just again, you know, each of us, each of us is on the path. You have the path that is your life. And, you know, I'm trusting each of you to find your way in your life.

[45:45]

Okay? I want you to do that. And I trust you will. Thank you.

[45:59]

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