Have me to see and listen to, to remember and accept. I love to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. I love to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. One of these days it will probably, at some point, occur to each one of us that there's no escape from this miserable practice that we're doing.

[01:26]

I mean one of these days in particular, in sushin, when no matter how one sits or moves or breathes or no matter what one does, there's a certain nagging reality to one's experience that is unavoidable and that can be gotten rid of. I mean one of these days in particular, in sushin, when no matter how one sits or breathes or breathes or no matter what one does, there's a certain nagging reality to one's experience that is unavoidable and that can be gotten rid of. Anyway, there's no help for it.

[02:42]

And it's best at that time to stop trying to avoid it and to sit up, to take your best posture, as it were, your best posture. And to gather yourself together to meet it with your best posture in the sense of presence and compassion, mindfulness, concentration, determination, steadfastness, so on. It's easier to meet this inescapable nagging reality in that situation than it is when you have your back to it.

[03:51]

You can't meet it very well then when you're going in the other direction. But I thought today I would tell you briefly how difficult sushins were for me for many years, in case that makes any difference. And maybe you don't need to know about it. But anyway, I thought I would, since we talked about house cleaning, spring cleaning and the spring festival amusement rides, I thought I might tell you about some other side trips that are possible. This is when all the amusement rides break down and aren't any fun and the house is such a mess that one can't stand to be there.

[05:10]

Anyway, I spent several sushins, at least three that I can remember. At some point in the sushin I went away, literally. The first one I went up on the hill on the other side of the creek for about half a day. I guess this was in the days when we didn't exactly have tankens, so nobody seemed to mind. Eventually I came back. And then there was another one I went up the road. I thought I would just leave, or at least see how far I could get before I turned around. It would be interesting to see, because in several years here I'd never gotten past the gate in my attempts to leave, so I was a little more determined this time. So I walked up the road and I think I got up to the second switchback, up past the horse pasture.

[06:29]

It's a nice vantage point to view things from before I turned around. And then one sushin in San Francisco. This is when I couldn't sit still. People used to tell me when I moved in Sazan that sometimes someone would say, years from now you won't be able to understand how you couldn't sit still, which wasn't very comforting at the time. But anyway, I couldn't sit still, so it's rather hard to sit sushin when you can't sit still.

[07:36]

Because everybody seems to be so advanced. I wonder sometimes if I came to Zen Center now and all of you sit so still, and for so many years I couldn't sit still. I mean, not just, I mean, voluntarily or involuntarily, whatever, I couldn't sit still. If I didn't move involuntarily, I moved voluntarily. So anyway, about the fourth day, I guess, of the sushin, I decided I'd had it. It was after breakfast or something. I think probably something happened, like somebody hit me. Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

[08:39]

This stupid, stupid practice that we did. So I went out and I changed my clothes and I walked up H Street to Fillmore, and I got on the 22 Fillmore. And I rode the 22 Fillmore to Lombard Street. Lombard Street I waited for the Greyhound bus. After a while, a Greyhound bus came. And I took the Greyhound bus out to Tam Junction. And I didn't want to hitchhike, because I didn't want to have to meet anybody.

[09:52]

So I just walked, and then out that road that goes towards Greenwich, and up the part of the road. I got up through the valley there and then started up the winding road, and then it occurred to me to get off the road. So the first big canyon, the road winds up and goes through a canyon there. I went up the canyon and up through the trees, and then I came upon a little path that went all the way up the hill and out of the woods and into the grass and all the way over to Four Corners. And it was pretty nice up there. It was very expansive. I think there was somebody at Four Corners selling pottery or vegetables or something.

[10:55]

And it occurred to me how nice it is to do something ordinary, just to be a regular old person. What the heck am I trying to do anyway? So then I started walking up towards Mount Tam, went up the road there, and I got up to the Alpine Mountain Lodge or something. Not the Mountain Home. It's somewhere on the left there. I don't remember why I turned off there, but I sat around on the hill there for a while. There was various rocks and grasses around me and trees. Trying to figure out what I was doing and why the heck I'd want to sit or not sit or whatever.

[12:09]

I can't remember exactly. I started to walk down the hill and then eventually I walked on around. There's a pathway that goes around the mountainside there up above Muir Woods. I think I walked down to Muir Woods and then back up and around. At some point I decided to go back. It was a really nice day.

[13:21]

I don't remember exactly how to describe it. And I decided to, in a way I decided to stay with it, or to settle into it, as closely as possible, to settle into sitting. So I went back up to the road, and this time I decided to hitchhike, so I started hitchhiking and I got a ride. I can't remember where I got the ride to. I got back to the Sashim sometime after dinner. Later on the Ino came to me and said, we didn't see you in the Zender today, you weren't there were you? Well, it depends how big you think of your Zender as being.

[14:49]

So, he said, well, I guess it's okay if you miss part of the Sashim like this, but I would appreciate it if next time you'd tell me ahead of time. Dear Ino, I'm glad to take the 22,000 lesson. It would be a great hug lesson. I think I'll go out to Mount Tam today. That's alright with you, isn't it? You don't need to look for me today. You don't need to worry about thanking me. I won't be there. It's a big deal. It was after that that the bottom came out of my breath, which I mentioned before.

[16:16]

It used to be that as I exhaled, the exhale would stop short and not be complete. And it was like I was sitting on a bubble or some activity. I described it before as having some solid feeling at the base of the spine. Where are you sitting? And it was so I tried. Just somehow I felt I was... Yesterday I talked about being fierce. It wasn't exactly fierce. Maybe it's better. I worried yesterday after the lecture.

[17:23]

After talking about being fierce, I didn't want you to think that you should be fierce to create some kind of fierceness. You cause problems for yourself when you create things like that. And I thought maybe it's better to stay determined or steadfast. And somehow I was able to breathe and just finish exhaling. The first few exhales were really scary to exhale so completely and to not be able to breathe. To not be able to let the bottom drop out like that.

[18:26]

But pretty soon I found it to be very restful. So again, when I mention this, I'm not meaning to suggest that the way to do Cixin is to leave for several hours in the middle and that it will make a difference for you. The same thing, something similar to that happens even when you just continue sitting.

[19:41]

And I think if you have done Cixin, you know something about this. I wanted to... I wanted to tell you a poem. This is a poem by Kabir. It goes something like this. Are you looking for me? Are you looking for me? Are you looking for me? By the way, I sort of think about these talks as being about the Genjokan,

[20:49]

but I don't always tell you the part of the Genjokan that the lecture is about. So today it's about... Buddhism is to study the self, that section. And to forget the self and be actualized by myriad things and so on. And when the boat goes out, the shore looks like it's moving, but when you look closely, you see the boat moves. And if you look at things with a confused body and mind, you'll think that your self is... you think that mind and nature is permanent. But when you look closely and return to where you are, then you see that nothing at all is unchanging. Anyway, that... Today I'll let you know which part it's about.

[21:52]

It's my secret outline for the talks. Yes. And so the poem by Kabir is, Are you looking for me? I'm sitting right here. My shoulder is rubbing against yours. You will not find me in stupas, in Indian shrine rooms, in Jewish synagogues, nor in cathedrals. You won't find me in sitting, in bowing, in offering incense,

[22:56]

or in eating nothing but vegetables. When you really look for me, you'll find me instantly. Or you'll find me in the tiniest house of time. Now Kabir says, A student, tell me, what is most intimate? What is most intimate? The breath inside the breath. No one there to see. What is most intimate?

[24:40]

And so, that's the... That poem reminded me about... I mean, that was so... That's what it sounded to me like, to study Buddhism is to study the Self. And that's what it reminded me about. And to forget the Self, and to be actualized by myriad things. I don't want to mention...

[26:02]

When I think about that line, Are you looking for me? Really? I think it always sounds like... It sounds to me like there's a little bit of a surprise there. Are you looking for me? You're not too busy with other things? Anyway, let me tell you this other... Part of another talk. This is by a teacher named Feng Shui. He said, This is the point of transformation. And I'm using this. This is the breath within the breath. No one there to see it. This is the point of transformation.

[27:07]

There are no Buddhas, no sentient beings. There's no more affirmation, no negation, no good, no bad. It is beyond sound or echo, track or trace. This is why it's said that gold dust is precious, but in the eye it obstructs vision. And it is said that gold dust is a cataract in the eye, and the jewel within the robe is a defilement of the Dharma. Even one's own spirit is of no importance. Who ever heard of Buddhas

[28:12]

and ancestors' enlightenment or delusion? Awakening supernatural powers and their wondrous activities. It would be of no... I forget what it said exactly. I can't think of the name, but it would not be exceptional. When he gets here, with his pet robe, covering his head, all concerns cease. At this time,

[29:28]

she does not understand anything at all. She does not know anything at all. Even if one were to speak of mind, speak of nature, speak of the wondrous, speak of the profound, speak of enlightenment or illumination, it wouldn't do any good at all. Why is this?

[30:33]

He has his own non-spirit realm. She has her own non-spirit realm. At this time, this is not something that you create by conceiving it and then trying to create it. It's something you intend to have happen and make it happen. This is not something that, out of myriad things that come forth

[31:42]

and experience themselves, you pick and choose which one is or isn't like this. This is just being, absorbing yourself in your breath, letting your breath swallow you up. This morning I said, like a great wave, like great waves surging on the shore. It is just a wave, a wave after wave. .

[32:57]

If you would look for something special, it would be like gold dust. of getting in your eye and obstructing your vision. You won't be able to see, or be intimate with your experience. You'll be rejecting your experience, looking for something special. And to say that this is boring, or painful, or discouraging, or whatever, that's the

[34:20]

opposite side, the other side of looking for something special. Sometimes, we don't realize we're looking for something special, except by our discouragement and disillusionment and despair. And that's all because of looking for something in particular, something special. So this breath within the breath, this most intimate, the point of transformation, is not looking for something special, but just being intimate, thoroughly intimate with your experience. And this thoroughly intimate with your experience is not something you do once and for all,

[35:36]

and then it's taken care of, and you can go back to your carefree life, or something. Or you won't have to worry anymore. This being intimate with your experience is something we do, moment after moment. And at this time, even your own spirit is of no importance. It's just a breath, inside the breath, a breath-breathing breath.

[36:51]

And no one here to see it, no one here has ever heard of how Buddhas are ancestors, or realization, or delusion, or how I can't understand anything, or I'm not getting anywhere. No one here has heard anything about that. No one here is concerned about supernatural powers, or miraculous experience, or this. In this absorption, just entering intimately into the breathing, breath, breath-breathing

[38:15]

breath, breath inside, breath, all concerns cease. And there's no understanding of anything at all. It's not as though there's any understanding. There's no understanding. So sometimes in Zen stories, or Nanchuan said, people don't understand. Oxen and cats understand. And there's a story about Zhaozhou. On Zhaozhou's bridge, the monk said, I don't see. I've heard a lot about Zhaozhou's stone bridge, but now that I'm here, I don't see it. And Zhaozhou said, oh, you don't see the stone bridge? The monk said, what is the stone bridge?

[39:18]

And Zhaozhou said, horses cross, donkeys cross. So in this kind of practice of absorption, it's sort of dumb. You have to be dumb. Or without any understanding, or without any gauging, or without any big deal about it, or where am I getting, where have I gotten, how am I doing? Now let me assess this. Let me check this out. Let me measure. Let me grade. I was going to mention, you know, let's not have any grades this session. I won't grade you if you don't grade me.

[40:26]

Even if someone, even if we speak about mind, nature, speak of the wonders, speak of the profound, who cares? Who the heck cares? I didn't want to do any good at all. Why is that? She has her own mountain spirit realm. He has his own mountain spirit realm. So even if you take some side trips up the road or to Mt. Tam,

[41:53]

or even on your cushions, if you take side trips, anyway, please come back to this mountain spirit realm, to your own mountain spirit realm, to the breath within the breath, breath breathing breath, breath swallowing up everything. May our intention equally penetrate every being and place with the true guide of love.

[42:51]

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