Thank you, thank you for coming to my talk. Many of you are wearing black. Many of you are wearing black. Yes, it fits very well. So anyway, I will say two things. I've been practicing Buddhism now for almost 45 years. But to talk about Buddhism, I try to use language that is fresh.

[01:06]

My teacher Suzuki Roshi said, Buddhism is not something you just get out of the refrigerator when you want it. My teacher Suzuki Roshi said, Buddhism is not something you just get out of the refrigerator when you want it. You can have it when you need it. You can have it when you need it. So there's Buddhism that is dead or in the book, and then there's your life. So there's Buddhism that is dead or in the book, and then there's your life. You are alive and I am alive.

[02:15]

And so for instance, then Master Dogen says, to study Buddhism is to study yourself. And so for instance, then Master Dogen says, to study Buddhism is to study yourself. You know, this seems like a simple concept, but it certainly took me many years to begin to understand. You know, this seems like a simple concept, but it certainly took me many years to begin to understand. I could get a credential.

[03:17]

And if you have the right credential, you should be good for something. And if you have the right credential, you should be good for something. Most of the things we study are like this, that we study something that is not ourself, that is outside ourself, some special skill. Most of the things we study are like this, that we study something that is not ourself, that is outside ourself, some special skill. And this kind of study never interested me. Pretty much as soon as I could, I dropped out of school.

[04:35]

I got talked into one year of college, and then at the end of the year I dropped out and the form said, reasons for leaving. And I put down, go to the mountains and attain true realization. This is because I had gotten a letter from my brother, which had a Zen story in it. The story was about a young man who writes home to his mother and says he's doing very

[05:45]

well in school and getting good grades, writing good papers and helping the other kids study. His mother writes back, and you know, this is a Zen story, why don't, I didn't raise you to be a walking dictionary. Why don't you go to the mountains and attain true realization? And I thought, that's for me. So then, I didn't know anything about Tesshara, but two years later I was there.

[06:48]

By the way, my brother dropped out of the Zen center and became an Episcopal priest. And that didn't work out. And he became a Catholic. And then for 20 years now he's tried to become a Catholic priest. The Catholics have a little side door or back door that says, if you've been an Episcopal priest, you can apply to be a Catholic priest even though you're already married. So, Wednesday morning I got an e-mail from my brother, the Pope says no.

[08:07]

So my brother said, I was sad for half a day. On Sunday, when he lives in a very small town, and he went to Mass, afterwards a woman said, why did they turn you down? And he said, maybe they're smarter than we think. So, after our workshop here, Cornelia and Michael will take me to see Black Madonna

[09:14]

in Auschwitz-Birkenau. And she and I have some things to talk about. Many, many tragedies. This is all my brother not becoming a priest. The shrines like that, you know, it is so much like a Zendo. People come in there, very focused, and the air vibrates. So, that was a little side story.

[10:36]

We're going to come back now, or else I will go further. So, this is a very important point, Zen Master Dogen says, to study Buddhism, the first thing is to trust in Buddhism. And he says, to trust in Buddhism is to believe, to trust that your life has always been the way. And all of the wrong turns, and wrong thinking, and confusion, and upside down, have not been a mistake.

[11:43]

Everything is part of all of your life, it's been your path, and you're finding your way. All that you have experienced in your life is part of your life, and is part of your path. How could this be? Conflict. It seems like there ought to be a path where things just went better. Kind of like a Buddhist freeway.

[12:55]

And if you were on the path, the Buddhist freeway, you could actually get somewhere. Instead of having to stop in all these strange little places, confusion, thinking, anxiety, panic attack, terror, dread, rage. And if you've managed to detour those places, perhaps you've ended up in despair, despondent, depressed. So you might think, when you end up in all these little places, I guess I don't know how to do it right.

[14:11]

This is called child thinking. I will explain this part of child thinking to you. I will explain this part of child thinking to you. I trust you that you won't hurt me. And if you hurt me, then you have to hurt me. And I deserve it. So the larger version of this is, if I'm having difficulty in my life, I must have done something wrong. Because if I was doing everything right, I would have a happy life, and I wouldn't have this kind of pain and difficulty.

[15:36]

So maybe Buddhism will give me a better way to do the right thing. Maybe Buddhism will give me a better way to do the right thing. Better than the Catholics. This kind of belief is so ingrained in our psyche. So ingrained in our psyche, this kind of belief. This kind of belief is so ingrained in our psyche. Sometimes you have to check if it's true. Was it ever. This is a survival skill.

[16:45]

Do you understand? It helps you survive. It's better not to... Oh gosh, excuse me. I hope I'm being a little bit clearer about all this. Anyway, as a child, it's good to accept responsibility for what happens. More than my share, more than your share, you know, you accept. You accept more than your share of responsibility. So if I feel hurt, you must have, you meant to hurt me, mom and dad.

[18:03]

If I feel hurt, they meant to hurt me, I deserve it. And then you decide, I will figure out how to behave so I don't get hurt. Okay. If it wasn't your responsibility, then you would feel just completely helpless. Here you are. You have to live with these big people.

[19:03]

And what, are you going to say they're psychotic? So no matter what kind of problems they have, you say, oh, it's my fault. I'll work on it. Am I making any sense here to you? Got this? Okay, if you're nuts. If you're not careful, I mean, anyway, you follow things along and, you know, on your path. But, you know, I've, I've practiced Buddhism all these years, thinking that if I behaved well enough, nobody would ever hurt me.

[20:06]

It was kind of depressing that the United States went to war in Iraq after I'd been practicing Buddhism for 30 years. Isn't my practice good for anything? So this is, I'm bringing this up tonight for your consideration. This is a key point in studying yourself. How do you think about things?

[21:26]

What do you believe? Is it true? And what Buddhism says actually is, you know, no matter how well or perfectly you behave, you will have the same problems. You will still have heat and cold. Pleasure and pain. Joy and sorrow. You know, neighbors, friends who get, you know, children get married. Neighbors, grandchildren who get killed by car accidents.

[22:34]

Do you understand? By your excellent, perfect behavior, you cannot stop the wide world from manifesting itself as it should. It does. And you cannot stop yourself from growing old. There is a shift if it's possible. For instance, the story about a monk who goes back to visit his monastery. He says to his teacher, what about people who leave the monastery and they never come back?

[23:47]

The teacher says, they are ungrateful asses. And he says, what about those who leave the monastery and return? The teacher says, they remember the benefits. The teacher says, they remember the benefits. The teacher says, what are the benefits? The teacher says, heat in the summer and cold in the winter. And then, after you've been in the monastery, heat, cold, and it becomes something that is your friend.

[25:10]

I didn't know about... I didn't know about you, but I have some... questionable friends. I have some friends who are difficult at times. And I have turned out to be someone who is difficult at times. I have turned out to be someone who is difficult at times. I have turned out to be someone who is difficult at times. To forget yourself.

[26:22]

To forget yourself is to have myriad things come forward and realize themselves. To forget yourself is to have myriad things come forward and realize themselves. Myriad things come forward and realize themselves. Myriad things come forward and realize themselves. Then your body and your mind disappear. No trace of enlightenment remains. And still you're a squirrel in the sky, a bird in the water.

[27:38]

So, when we are cooking, it's useful to forget yourself and take care of the cooking. So, when we are cooking, it's useful to forget yourself and take care of the cooking. Then the food appears. And we can all eat together. And we can all eat together. So, explain to us the mantra. How do you speak to us? So, remember the child's idea, right? If I behave well enough, if I do it right, nothing will go wrong.

[29:31]

If I do it right, nothing painful or difficult will happen. If I do it right, nothing painful or difficult will happen. Is it important for a child, but not so useful for an adult? I can observe what I perceive and know what's going on. I can trust my observations and perceptions. I can know who people are, who I am, in different situations.

[30:51]

I don't take responsibility for their emotional life. I don't let them blame me. This is probably another whole talk, but for instance, sometimes people say to me, Ed, you make me mad. This is just not true. This is one thing we do, remember? If you hurt me, you meant to. Anyway, I might have... This is one thing we do, remember? If you hurt me, you meant to.

[32:00]

You didn't want to go with me to the store. I became angry. That is different than, you made me angry. That's what it is.

[32:54]

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