self or, you know, to others, acknowledging that. Not trying to keep them in that, the behavior that we find difficult. Why do you keep doing that? Why do you keep doing that? What's wrong with you anyway? You know, it's easy for us to get into this rather than letting them be the way they are. Saying something more than that. Remembering people, we're all like that. So, another kind of example of this is, you know, it's always kind of amusing to me to hear people say about whatever they say about me. People are gracious and kind, thank you. But obviously they don't know me. But speaking of which, as another kind of aside,

[01:08]

you know, I found it useful for a workshop I went to at one point, I did, there was a homework assignment before the workshop that you take a few minutes and sit down and write down a list of your positive characteristics. And then you go to various friends and, you know, acquaintances and your partner and your kids or whoever, and you ask them how they see your positive characteristics. And then you're only allowed to say, thank you. Thank you very much. You're not allowed to say, how could you say such a thing? Who are you looking at? You don't really know me. You're not allowed any of those things, just thank you, thank you very much. So I did this, you know, and then I should have suspected you send this in before the workshop. And then about day two of the workshop, she hands these things out and she says, stand up in front of everybody and read these things. So everybody's up there kind of swallowing their words. I am Edward, I am compassionate and humorous

[02:12]

and insightful and, well, I mean, that's what they've been saying about me. I didn't just make this up myself. Anyway, it's pretty powerful, you know, and you just say, thank you, thank you very much. Because then there's this other side where people do see us as more than we see ourselves, more or other, or better than we see ourselves, which is pretty nice. Anyway, for, I don't know, sometime in the last two or three years, I mean, Patricia and I have been together for 20 years now. See how long it lasts. We haven't gotten married. I mean, that could ruin it. I have some friends who just got married after 30 years.

[03:13]

And then they're both, well, he was in, I think they're both in their 70s. So they finally got married after 30 years and then, you know, they were married for about six months and then he died. But that was part of why they got married. So now she gets his social security and, you know, his house and, you know, makes everything easier if they're married. But what I want to mention to you is that, you know, I have been thinking, you know, for a long time, like this person is going to help me. And she could be more helpful at helping me. Do any of you look to your partner to kind of like be the answer? You know, somehow there's like, they could do that, you know, and at some point we had sort of a crisis. And so I'm finally thinking like, oh, huh, maybe this isn't a good idea. But, you know, to be thinking like this

[04:18]

and maybe, darn it, maybe I'm going to have to, and part of the background of this was I had been talking with John Kabat-Zinn and his wife, Myla, and I told them, you know, I'm having a lot of trouble with temper tantrums. And this is exactly what women say about guys, you know. Well, I wanted to have kids, but I didn't want him to be one of them. I didn't want my husband to be another one of them. I thought he'd help me raise the kids. And Myla said to me, you should read this book called The Explosive Child. And it's a pretty interesting book, but it keeps saying that, like, as a parent, part of the things you want to do is you want to ratchet down the pressure on the kid to behave.

[05:19]

And unless it's life-threatening or a danger to somebody, don't go there. Don't try to correct them. Don't try to fix it. Because otherwise, you're all the time, you're sort of setting in this kind of anxiety and tension and stress in the child of kind of performance anxiety because you're so demanding in terms of behavior. So unless it's really right up there, just, there's some that you maybe talk about later. And then there's, for most of them, it's like, you just let go. And don't go to, like, what you're gonna do about that to eliminate that undesired behavior. Because it's just, it's just things that are happening. You know, and then there's a little category of things like, we'll talk about this, but we'll sit down and talk about it. We're not gonna try to correct it on the spot. And then there's only a few things, you know. You've stopped the person from, the child from hitting somebody or from running out in the street

[06:21]

or something that's really dangerous. And so I'm thinking like, you know, how do I do this with myself? Because I'm the child, I'm supposed to be the parent too. But this is mindfulness. Mindfulness is like, you've got, you're training yourself to be the parent that you never had, that you always wanted. That's mindfulness. Oh, you're sad now. Oh, well, what should we do? And it's like, you know, emotional, developing emotional intelligence. This is mindfulness. So with Patricia, finally, I thought, oh my gosh, I guess she's not gonna do this. I may have to learn how to do this. I have no skill or talent whatsoever. If I had, I wouldn't be having these temper tantrums. I wouldn't be doing all this stuff. I wouldn't have been so difficult to live with all these years. I guess I'm going to have to be the parent that I never had, the parent that I always wanted.

[07:22]

I guess I'm going to have to practice this and study up and work on it. Because nobody else, no matter how I behave or what I do is going to be that parent for me. No one. So people talk about mindfulness or Buddhism in various ways, you know, but this is another way to talk about this, you know. Mindfulness is the parent that you didn't have, that you always wanted. Somebody who understands you. Somebody who listens to you. Somebody who's on your side. Somebody who loves you. And you could be that person for yourself. So it's pretty nice, you know, to start being your own good friend, your own parent. And, you know, when you're little, you kind of have your hand up like this or your parent's hand, you know. So you have somebody that holds your hand and, oh, you're anxious about giving a talk book.

[08:28]

I'll hold your hand while we go in there, okay? I know you haven't done this before, but, you know, and then you kind of reassure yourself. This is a kind of aspect of mindfulness, which is to be aware and then to be aware of what is reminding, reminding that there's more to your circumstance than what is apparent. You see and understand only as far as your eye of practice can see in addition to the appearance of things, there's boundless virtue, infinite possibilities and characteristics. And, and you can see, I think then, in terms of, you know, relating just with yourself and in meditation,

[09:28]

we're all, you know, there's a saying in Zen, everyone is making their best effort. Sometimes people's best effort is, the best we can do is to be confused. Or, you know, distracted, annoyed, upset, you know. So, and, you know, if you read, for instance, the general theory of love, which was written by Thomas Lewis and a couple other therapists in Marin County, we associate love with the emotional environment we grew up in when we were extremely little, you know, when we were zero to three. That's what we associate with love. So if there was a lot of conflict, a lot of intense emotions, or if there was a lot of neglect, then that's the way we do love. That's how we recognize love. So the best effort we can make sometimes is kind of off.

[10:35]

But it's actually out of love. We're doing things. And it's easy to forget, you know, and to be critical of others or ourself. Anyway, as you practice mindfulness and being aware and noting your thoughts, your feelings, your sensations, you know, from time to time, you'll notice that you yourself are a rather sweet person. You'll notice the blessedness or preciousness of life. And you can sense your own good heartedness and your own caring. You can have a tender feeling for yourself.

[11:44]

Someone who's, you know, we've all struggled a lot. We've all been, you know, in times in our life, wounded, had difficulties. Terrible things have happened to us and to those we love. And we've gone on. So as, you know, sometimes the saying is, you know, we're not aiming to be perfect. We're aiming to be human. Hmm. It's to notice, you know, our own good heartedness and the good heartedness of others. And that kind of good heartedness, you know, it's a kind of way to practice in a certain sense skillfully to have the sense that the good heartedness doesn't come or go. And the good heartedness is there even when people are behaving terribly. And how do we, you know, like,

[12:46]

not for ourself, not get caught up in our own afflictive feelings and habits and recognize and remember, come back to, you know, our own good heartedness, which is like this parent who's not jumping on every bad behavior. How can we do that? And then with somebody else to not get into a fight because, you know, we want them to behave and be good hearted. Can we in some way invite their good heartedness forward rather than attacking their unskillful or awkward or clumsy behaviors? So obviously this is a big challenge for any of us. But what else are we going to do with ourselves

[13:51]

on planet earth? Okay. I read this poem yesterday, but here's a poem that I wrote again, this is Rumi, but it's also again, a poem about mindfulness. Pay close attention to your mean thoughts that sourness may be a blessing as an overcast day brings rain for the roses and relief to dry soil. Don't look so sourly on your sourness. It may be it's carrying what you most deeply need and want.

[14:57]

It may be it's carrying what you most deeply need and want. Someone finally to not be so sour about sourness. That's mindfulness that isn't sour about sourness that just, oh, you're sour and can be with it. What seems to be keeping you from joy may be what leads you to joy. Don't call it a dead branch, call it the live moist root. Don't always be waiting to see what's behind it. That wait and see poisons your spirit. Reach for it. Hold your meanness to your chest as a healing root

[16:04]

and be through with waiting. This is also, you know, the sense of whatever is happening and finally you agree to breathe it into your heart, right into your heart. And you think that would be the most painful thing to finally breathe it into your heart. And it's what finally is relief because it's way more painful to hold your heart apart from your heart than finally be in your heart, breathing in what's happening, having what's happening be close to you and accepting that into your heart. And then your heart can respond and you respond from your heart. Okay, thank you. I like to, at the end of the evening,

[17:05]

chant, as you know, chant the syllable ho, which is Japanese for dharma, as a way to share our hearts and prayers. Someone mentioned earlier meta for prisoners. We all know people who are having difficulties or disease or old or people who have died. We can send out our hearts and prayers and the blessing and merit of the evening. Turn it over to all beings or to whoever we bring to mind. And we'll do that by dedicating the merit here of the evening to, in our chant and each of us in our own way, share our heart and bring to mind those we'd like to send out our prayers to. Thank you.

[18:17]

Ho. [...] Thank you again.

[19:24]

And blessings, safe travel. Drive carefully. Good evening. Thank you.

[19:30]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ