Most of you were in the room when I walked in. And I walked into, you know, my heart just lifted when I walked in the room with all of you here and, you know, quiet and still and, you know, inward. And I just guess, you know, I just guess, oh, you must be searching or feeling, you know, inwardly into your heart, you know, and studying how to know your heart and how to fulfill your heart, your heart's desire, your true heart's desire. So it, I feel very cheered and happy

[01:10]

to be in a room like this. So thank you for cheering me. It's your fault. Thank you. Ah. Lately, I've been thinking about a, when I was first at Tassajara and something had happened with Suzuki Roshi. I was, I had become the cook. You know, I was at Tassajara the summer before Zen Center bought Tassajara. And I worked as a cook there for two and a half months. So I had a lot of experience, you know. And Zen Center asked me, would you be the head cook of our monastery? I was also a Zen student, so I am not knowing any better,

[02:16]

or I said, sure. So then we started cooking, you know, for 40 or 80 or 120 people. So I didn't know what I was doing. And there is something that happens with cooking. You know, who are you trying to please? This isn't just cooking, of course, right? You walk around outside here, who are you trying to please? Ahem. Or, you know, you're not trying to please anybody. You're not gonna be caught by that anymore, are you? Well, who knows? Anyway, when I got to Tassajara in April, there were already a group of people living there. Now, a lot of those people didn't,

[03:17]

it turned out, didn't really become Zen students finally. I mean, it was a nice place to live, you know, in the mountains, and there were hot springs, and at the time, men and women were bathing together. You know, Suzuki Roshi did put a stop to that after a while. This is a monastery, or monastic-type, you know, center. Your mind will be quieter. Your minds will be quieter if you're not bathing with members of the opposite sex. And you will appreciate, you will learn to appreciate this quieter mind. You might think that that more excited mind is preferable, but. So, there was a group of people, and a number of those people, though, you see, we had a practice period then that began that year in July. The night before the practice period,

[04:19]

Suzuki Roshi ordained Richard Baker as, you know, his disciple, shaved his head, and put him in Japanese robes. It was very hot, very hot. And then we had three days of Tongariro. Maybe the three days of Tongariro was before the ordination, but do you know Tongariro? That's where you sit all day with no breaks. So, you know, you're just, and then you get up, whatever, you start at five or something, and then you sit, and then you have breakfast, and then there's a little break after breakfast, and then you come back and sit, until, you know, lunch. Anyway, the night before Tongariro started, about 20 people went up the road, left. It had been a great place to hang out, and work,

[05:21]

and eat, and, you know, take out baths, and a little meditation, but that was too much. Do you understand? This is why, I mean, there's a reason for these things. You know, it weeds out the slaggards. We want only the serious practitioners. Anyway, but meantime, okay, so when I first got there, it turned out that we were serving, the community was used to serving at breakfast with the hot cereal, white sugar, and brown sugar, because some people don't like white sugar, and some people don't want sugar, so we were serving honey. Some people don't like honey, so we also had some molasses. And then we were serving milk, and this, and then, you know, in addition to milk, we were serving half and half,

[06:21]

and occasionally cream, and some people didn't like the regular milk, so we were serving canned milk. This is before, you know, rice milk, soy milk, 2% milk, nonfat milk. You know, we have a lot of choices. Shouldn't you be able to put what you want on your cereal? This is America, you know. This is why we all go out and earn the big bucks. I think we might also have served little dishes of raisins, and perhaps shakers of cinnamon. Oh, maybe pats of butter now and again. Well, this was okay as long as we were serving like family style or cafeteria style. You know, you go through the line, and then you add, you know, like at Starbucks or wherever, there's a little condiment table.

[07:21]

Now, what about in the meditation hall when we're sitting down the row, and you have to pass eight or 10 things down the row? You know, to get it all the way down the row, this takes a long time. We figured out pretty soon that we needed to make up a set of these condiments for every three or four people to make it at all kind of timely. So we would have, you know, if we had 40 people, and then you have about 16 sets or 18 sets of these things. So then you have many, many pitchers and dishes, and what you do with them all after. So I felt as the cook, you know, perplexed. What am I going to do? Because, you know, people are going to be coming, and they're going to say, why? Why can't I have what I want? And shouldn't you be providing it for me?

[08:28]

This is just, you know, basic human question, right? Why can't I have what I want? What's the problem? Well, after two or three mornings of this, I had been serving the breakfast, and then somebody came out of the meditation hall and said, Suzuki Roshi wants everybody in the meditation hall, he's going to give a lecture. So we went in, it's very exciting, a lecture. And he said, I really don't understand you Americans. When you put so much milk and sugar on your cereal, how are you going to taste the true spirit of the grain? Did you think that you could make every moment of your life taste just the way you like it to? Why don't you see if you can taste

[09:34]

the true spirit of the grain? Why don't you see if you can taste the true spirit of the moment? Why don't you see if you can taste your own true spirit? Why don't you see if you can taste the way things are, instead of trying to make everything taste the way you want it to? So we put away all of our condiments except for, then we started serving toasted ground sesame seeds and salt. To this day now, we serve sesame salt with a lot of our meals. And some people just go ahead and put it on everything so that everything tastes the same. This is, you know, like toasted sesame salt. This is different, you know, this is the Zen school,

[10:34]

so it's everything tastes like toasted sesame salt. You know, rather than like the St. Francis apparently put ash on everything, so it all tastes the same. So you wouldn't get too involved with what tastes like what. Anyway. So I've been thinking a lot about this somehow. I'm sorry, I haven't become much of an advanced practitioner after all these years. I'm just starting over again, you see. Why don't I taste the true spirit of the moment? But I have been noticing, partly I noticed, I thought of this because I've been noticing how tempting it is to want to make things taste the way I want them to, or moments be the way I'd like them to. I do have my preferences. I have some taste after all.

[11:35]

And it would be nice if after, you know, years of practice, maybe I could become more skillful at making things taste the way I want. Or would I become more developed at tasting the way things are? Do you understand the difference here? Hmm. After I'd been cooking for a while, I realized that I had a flavor in mind that I wanted things to taste like, that I thought was good. Of course, not everybody agreed. So what will you do? And then sometimes people would come in this kitchen and say, the oatmeal this morning was too runny. It needs to be thicker.

[12:40]

We have a lot of work to do. We were, in those days, digging by hand our septic tank. Do you understand how much work that is? Day after day after day, you know, to get down to, you know, 12 foot deep and about 12 foot square and hauling dirt out of there. And you can just get a backhoe in for an afternoon and it's done. And then, you know, if the oatmeal was thicker, another group of people came in. The oatmeal this morning was too thick. What will you do? And how can any of us, you know, speaking of, you know, who are you trying to please? You walk around outside or, you know, here you are and there's no help for it. You know, some people will,

[13:45]

people will respond in various ways. There's no way to have everybody be happy. So I discovered, you know, I would just have to do something. And I also noticed that I wanted a particular taste. Do you understand? And then I thought, I finally decided like, why don't I taste like, you know, lentils? What's the true spirit of lentils? Before you add the onions and the garlic and the oregano and the, if you were a meat eater, you know, the ham bone and, you know, the Parmesan cheese. What do lentils taste like? What do beets taste like? What's the, you know, true spirit of broccoli? And, you know, if, and can anything, you know, can something be the way it is

[14:47]

or do you have to make it taste a certain way? Hmm. So I started tasting things very carefully to see if I could appreciate the way something tastes, the way something is. And it means sometimes, you know, things are tart. Sometimes things are sweet. Sometimes things are bitter, pungent, spicy, plain. And what do you feel about your own mind or being? You know, how do you want it to be? Is there a way, a flavor you want and you're missing? Can you make it that flavor, your life? Can you make it taste the way you want to? Is there, so, you know, classic kind of Zen teaching, a Zen master named Tenke said,

[15:51]

see with your eyes, smell with your nose, taste with your tongue. Nothing in the universe is hidden. What else would you have me say? And of course, what you want him to say is, how do I make it taste the way I want it to? Tell me that, why don't you? And then he would probably say, you know, there's not enough milk and sugar in the whole universe. Or, you know, upside down idea. Not a good plan. Well, so I've been, you know, so what are we doing in meditation? You know, it's very tempting to think, oh, why don't I empty my mind or calm my mind

[16:54]

or pacify my mind or free my mind or, you know, and then what would indicate that I'd done that except that it tastes the way I want it to. So it's easy to come up with various endeavors that one might try to do in meditation. Not so long ago, I came across a little book. A friend of mine gave it to me. It's a little hand-lettered book. I have it here. And I would like to offer you some teachings from my latest. This is a little book by a woman named Lynn de Danan. And Lynn, it's called Conversations with the Inner Dog. Conversations with the Inner Dog. Do you know, like, Kadagiri Roshi, you know, dogs have a long history in Zen. You know, Kadagiri Roshi used to say, Zen is not like training your dog.

[17:58]

Sit, heel. Sit, quiet. And many people have understood that Zen practice is actually like, you know, getting reacquainted with the inner dog. Now this is, she's talking actually to her dog, okay? I'm talking about the dog inside. You know, some people have said, when you practice Zen, you will begin to realize after a while that there's a dog down in the basement that you locked up there a long time ago and it wants to get out. And in the meantime, it's upset that you have locked it down in the basement. And a long time ago, you put it in the basement because, you know, the dog was doing some things that people did not find appropriate and suitable. And they said, too much, the oatmeal's too thin,

[19:01]

the oatmeal's too thick, it's this and it's that. And you said, oh, okay, well, I won't serve that anymore. And you put the dog down, you know, maybe it was a little too, maybe it laughed a little too much or it barked or it yapped or it played a little too much. It wasn't quiet enough anyway. Put it in the basement. And then if the dog is whimpering or whining down there, move up a floor or two until where you are in your life, it's quiet enough. You don't have to hear the dog. This is otherwise known as your head. Live in your head and pay no attention to the dog in the basement. So unfortunately or fortunately, as it were, you know, Zen is about, you know, settling the self on the self or, you know, moving downstairs and then encountering, re-encountering the dog within that you abandoned long ago. And usually, you know, once you've abandoned it long, there's two things that happens. You know, there's a stage in abandonment of resentment

[20:03]

and whimpering and whining. And then after that, it just goes into, you know, lethargia, lethargic, lethargy. You know, there's no energy there, huh? Right? Any of you used to this in your lives? Anyway, some of us, we've encountered this kind of dog. And then when you first are encountering the dog, often it's mad, it's angry. You left me here. I don't want to have anything to do with you. And then, you know, some people consider Zen practices, you see it, you get the food on a little dish and then you push it across the room on a stick. I would like to be your friend once again. I'm not sure how to do this, but here, have a little food. And eventually, you know, you're saying, you know, you can invite your dog, the inner dog, you yourself, you know, back into mixed company, you know,

[21:05]

and it, but the interesting thing, of course, is, you know, it's only the initial response of the dog that's, you know, resentment and anger and, you know, and then there's also a little fear, like it will be pushed back in the basement again, you know, so, and there's a little anxiety and worry. And then, but at some point, you know, that's also a dog that's very playful, right? Playful and happy and energetic. This is your energy and your vitality and your creativity and, you know, your big life that's available once you get to know your inner dog. Now, this is actually talking to your dog, the one out there. So I want to read you about, and I think it's kind of interesting because, you know, you could use this to talk to your dog or to talk to your other dog, you know, the one inside. She doesn't suggest this in here.

[22:06]

She's presenting this as though it's just talking to the dog out there. Do you understand? I mean, let's just keep it simple. Like, we're just talking about the dog out there, how to talk. But she was having trouble with her dog and no matter how she tried to train her dog, the dog wasn't getting very well trained and so she didn't know what to do. And finally, one day, her dog that she says is a black and white Springer Spaniel. Lashed out at another little smaller dog, barking at him viciously and fiercely. And she said, that was the last straw. And so she says, I began talking with him about this behavior and to my surprise, he listened attentively. From then on, I began to tell him stories and his behavior began to change. I deliberately tried not to tell him what to do

[23:07]

but to pose problems, to encourage him to think and to allow him to decide what to do. In short, I appealed to the inner dog. And so she's created a series of conversations here with inner dogs. So I thought I'd just read you a couple. They're pretty short. Just so you have a little flavor of, you know, how to speak to the inner dog. Do you think, oh, this one is called dog training number four heal, but don't follow. Do you think I'm crazy trying to teach you? Well, I'm not, but it is a bit tricky trying to teach a dog. I don't want you to follow me. Do you understand? It's a paradox. I want you to heal, but not follow.

[24:09]

I mean, I don't want a brainwashed dog. I want you to heal because you will be safe and we will be together. We'll be on the path together. Won't that be nice? But it isn't important. You may have to go into the woods for a while. You may need to encounter bears and deer and rabbits. They may be your teachers. So I don't want you to do what I say just because you believe I know better or because you believe you will be punished if you do not. I want you to wake up and stop being mechanical. I want you to see what all this teaching points to and not simply master each little trick to satisfy me.

[25:16]

You've been setting up any little tricks for yourself to master? Of course, you can learn to chase a ball or bring back a stick. So what? What does any of that matter? You will be like the pious man who knows how to kneel and pray, sip the wine and munch the bread and hasn't a clue about God. Well, of course, none of us do, but some of us know that we don't know. Remember, the person who holds the other end of the leash is a fool as well. Think about that for a while. I thought that was pretty nice.

[26:25]

It's so easy to set up things to get done and then make happen, isn't it? Make things the way you want them to be, learn little tricks, quiet your mind, sit still, be quiet, whatever. Little performances that you can put on for yourself or others. And what was the point? The one doing the training, the dog trainer, the one doing the training, the one making up the tricks, the one on the other end of the leash is a fool as well. And that's often the one who needs a little waking up and give it a rest as far as teaching the dog tricks. And that's like adding the milk and the sugar. It's a little trick you teach yourself. So what about just learning to appreciate how you are?

[27:33]

Well, here's another short one. Dog training number six. Observe yourself and your thoughts today as you lull about in the shade of the cherry tree on your lawn or as you run mindlessly up the driveway to bark at any passing automobile. Watch how easily you are distracted. Well, if it works for a dog, I would think it might work for us, but anyway. I've unfortunately or fortunately never been very good at training my dog. So I'm kind of, I'm afraid not very, you know, my dog isn't very well-trained, I'm afraid. But you know, that's the way it goes. Do you understand?

[28:38]

Is your dog pretty well-trained? Mine gets out a lot and tends to, you know, like I was in Cleveland recently and I was teaching a contemplative cooking class. Do you know how people advertise these things? Ed Brown will teach a contemplative cooking class. I mean, they have no idea. Not a clue, you know. And even before the class, I try to warn people, you know, because of all of my past experiences in cooking classes, try to warn people. And I said, you know, I'm feeling kind of anxious about this class today and how it's going to come out. And right away, the woman says, but you've done so much Zen meditation, why are you anxious?

[29:38]

Like, yeah, if you'd done a lot of Zen meditation, you'd have a completely well-trained dog who just was never anxious and just did all the right kind of tricks. Jumped through just the right kind of hoops with just the right kind of demeanor. Had just the perfect kind of performance, like it was some kind of dog show. Oh, sure. You know, that was so different, you know, a couple of years ago, several years ago, you know, I was at Tassajara and I told the people, I'm really kind of anxious before my retreat. You know, and I've just had to move my cabin and it hasn't happened and I don't know where my stuff is. It's out in some carts underneath some white sheets there and, you know, et cetera. And then right away, the woman sitting next to me, she said, oh, you're anxious? I'm anxious too. And then she grabs my hand and she pulls it right up to her chest

[30:44]

and by golly, her heart's going thump, [...] thump. I'm like, ooh, you are anxious, aren't you? And, you know, we're friends to this day. We're talking about, you know, one dog meets another. I mean, this is, you know, this is how you get to be friends. You know, you don't get to be friends by, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna let you know that actually I'm terribly anxious and I'm just, because I wouldn't even want to recognize it myself because if I recognized it and acknowledged it, you might notice it too. And I think it's better to be in denial about what I'm really feeling and pretend that I'm not. Don't you? Isn't that a good thing to do? Oh, sure. So then I went into a whole rant about, of course I'm feeling what I'm feeling, thank you very much. And I don't need you to tell me how to, what I ought to be feeling or not feeling. And I know what I'm feeling, okay?

[31:48]

I'm not gonna hide it or deny it, you know? And maybe you could try that too. And as a matter of fact, why don't you, you know, and then as a matter of fact, you know, I am responsible for this class today and you're not. Anyway, you know, so, so much for, you know, years of Zen practice and getting my dog well-trained, you know, but I have been having these conversations with the inner dog, you know, just trying to sort things out. It's trying to, what is important finally, you know, since it's not gonna happen. And interestingly enough, you know, there's this basic issue of, it just doesn't taste the way I want it to. And is there a possibility, you know, this is Buddhism, noble truth number one, right? It doesn't taste the way I want it to. I'm not the kind of person I'd like to be.

[32:49]

Things are happening that I don't find tasteful. I find them distasteful, do you understand? A lot of things happen like that. And so I've been practicing for years now and I'm still haven't come to rest with that. Okay, you understand? It is, you know, now and again, I come to rest with that. That's noble truth number three, that it's possible to come to rest with the fact that it just doesn't taste the way I want it to. And there's not enough milk and sugar in the universe to do anything about it. Man, and then you might have to just eat it anyway. Yeah. I thought you were a Zen chef. Can't you do something with this? To make it palatable? I don't think so.

[33:50]

So when I think about it, there's two, or there's two sort of, you know, what is the true spirit or can you taste the true spirit? Or when you start to unadorned, you know, unadulterated, what's it like, you know, when you don't cover it, when you don't fix it, manipulate it, fuss with it, control it, you know, try to help, you know, make it the way it should be. What is it like then? So there's kind of two ways, you know, we study this, right? One way is it's sweet, it's sour, it's salty, it's bitter, it's pungent, it's plain, it's anger, it's shame, it's disappointment, it's thinking, it's seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting. It's, you know, we have names and labels for these things. It's judgment, you know, it's my idea.

[35:04]

And then the other way is, you know, it's not anything particular. Finally, you know, there's no reality. Or, you know, it's Buddha nature, we say. You yourself are not anyone in particular. And as soon as you put a name on who you are or a description, that's not you. That's an object of your awareness that you put a label on. That's not you who's putting on labels. And you who's putting on labels is just a name. So you yourself, you know, have no name. And you're also someone who's angry and scared and ashamed and, you know, judging. So the true taste, you know, is also that there's no, there's nothing that's fixed. There's nothing that's final. And Zen, as far as I can tell, you know,

[36:07]

our tradition isn't finally about, you know, becoming, you know, being able to be skilled, you know, at dog training. So our tradition says things like, our teaching is passed down from the ancient Buddhists. We don't talk about meditation. We don't talk about meditation or spiritual progress. How could you measure, you know, meditation or spiritual progress except by, you know, how skillful you are at the particular trick you're learning? So we're not talking about that in Zen. No, and this is, you know, the Zen teacher, Shuto. So, and then classic phrase, you know, in Soto Zen, mind itself is Buddha. Mind itself, your own aware essence is holy,

[37:14]

worthy, compassionate. You know, it's empty, has no, and there's no Buddha. But we use Buddha as a kind of word to point to preciousness of your mind, of mind itself, the aware essence, which is nameless, which is beyond, which has no description and its various descriptions. Mind itself is Buddha, Buddha, sentient beings, mind, enlightenment, affliction, different words for the same thing. Your own aware essence is still and complete, neither finite nor eternal, not defiled, not pure. The aware essence, our own aware essence, mind itself. Never, mind itself never had a problem. This is a kind of trust or confidence,

[38:16]

or, you know, we sometimes say faith in mind. And that everything that's happening is like, you know, why can't you tell me how to make it taste the way I want? But your mind is already, you know, functioning, Shurto says, outside, outside of the patterns. So your mind will right away give you various pieces of information that are outside the pattern, outside of the way you're trying to make things. Your mind is free from the start. Your mind was never bound. Mind is always free. Mind is not, or we could say mind is not liberated, you know, not bound, not liberated. The aware essence. So this is just to have some confidence, you know. And, you know, so many things happen. Whoa. I mean, when I was younger, I had no idea.

[39:19]

But so many things happen. And it's very challenging to meet life moment after moment. But it is possible to rest, at least now and again, in the flavor, the taste, and, you know, in the true spirit of things. Just tasting the way things are, which is, you know, an example of that is Suzuki Roshi. One time somebody said, who are you? And he said, I'm someone who you can see and hear, and listen to, you know, color, sound, smell. And I'm someone beyond description. Each of us is like this. And the true spirit of things is like this. You know, there's a description and it's beyond description.

[40:24]

And we can rest in that. So again, it was very sweet coming into the room today and feeling you settled, feeling the room settled. And the sense of, you know, tasting this moment, not getting too involved with how to fix it, you know, learning the next trick, what to do about this, how to handle that. I don't know. I'm sure there are people who can help you with those tricks, but I'm sorry, I won't be able to. I don't know what to do. Anyway, thank you so much for your lovely presence. Blessings. Tension, equally.

[41:28]

Thank you.

[41:42]

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