with all of you here, and, you know, quiet and still and, you know, inward. And I just guess, you know, I just guess, oh, you must be searching or feeling, you know, inwardly into your heart, you know, and studying how to know your heart and how to fulfill, fulfill your heart, your heart's desire, your true heart's desire. So it, I feel very cheered and happy to be in a room like this. So thank you for cheering me. It's your fault. Thank you.

[01:08]

Lately I've been thinking about a, when I was first at Tassajara and something had happened with Suzuki Roshi, I was, I had become the cook, you know, I'd, I was at Tassajara the summer before Zen Center bought Tassajara, and I worked as the cook there for two and a half months. So I had a lot of experience, you know. And Zen Center asked me, would you be the head cook of our monastery? I was also a Zen student, so I am not knowing any better, or I said, sure. So then we started cooking, you know, for 40 or 80 or 120 people. So I didn't know what I

[02:21]

was doing, and there is something that happens with cooking. You know, who are you trying to please? This isn't just cooking, of course, right? You walk around outside here, who are you trying to please? Or, you know, you're not trying to please anybody, you're not going to be caught by that anymore, are you? Well, who knows? Anyway, when I got to Tassajara in April, there were already a group of people living there. Now, a lot of those people didn't, it turned out, didn't really become Zen students finally. I mean, it was a nice place to live, you know, in the mountains and there were hot springs, and at the time men and women were bathing together. You know, Suzuki Roshi did put a stop to that after a while. This is a monastery

[03:23]

or monastic type, you know, center. Your mind will be quieter. Your minds will be quieter if you're not bathing with members of the opposite sex, and you will appreciate, you will learn to appreciate this quieter mind. You might think that that more excited mind is preferable, but... So, there was a group of people, and a number of those people though, you see, we had a practice period then that began that year in July. The night before the practice period, Suzuki Roshi ordained Richard Baker as, you know, his disciple. Shaved his head and put him in Japanese robes. It's very hot, very hot. And then we had three days of

[04:28]

Tangaro. Maybe the three days of Tangaro was before the ordination, but you don't, do you know Tangaro? That's where you sit all day with no breaks. So, you know, you're just, and then you get up, whatever, you start at five or something, and then you sit, and then you have breakfast, and then there's a little break after breakfast, and then you come back and sit until, you know, lunch. Anyway, the night before Tangaro started, about twenty people went up the road, left. It had been a great place to hang out and work and eat and, you know, take out baths and a little meditation, but that was too much. Do you understand? This is why, I mean, there's a reason for these things, you know, it weeds out the slaggards. We want only the serious

[05:32]

practitioners. Anyway, but meantime, okay, so when I first got there, it turned out that we were serving, the community was used to serving at breakfast with the hot cereal, white sugar and brown sugar, because some people don't like white sugar, and some people don't want sugar, so we were serving honey. Some people don't like honey, so we also had some molasses, and then we were serving milk, and this, and then, you know, in addition to milk, we were serving half-and-half and occasionally cream, and some people didn't like the regular milk, so we were serving canned milk. This is before, you know, rice milk, soy milk, 2% milk, nonfat milk, you know, we have a lot of choices. Shouldn't you be able to put what you want on your cereal? This is

[06:33]

America, you know. This is why we all go out and earn the big bucks. I think we might also have served little dishes of raisins and perhaps shakers of cinnamon. Oh, maybe pats of butter now and again. Well, this was okay as long as we were serving like family style or cafeteria style, you know, you go through the line and then you add, you know, like at Starbucks or wherever, there's a little condiment table. Now, what about in the meditation hall when we're sitting down the row, and you have to pass eight or ten things down the row? You know, to get it all the way down the row, this takes a long time. We figured out pretty soon that we needed to make up a set of these condiments for every three or four people to make it at all kind of timely.

[07:36]

So we would have, you know, if we had 40 people and then you have about 16 sets or 18 sets of these things, so then you have many, many pitchers and dishes, and what you do with them all after. So I felt as the cook, you know, perplexed. What am I going to do? Because, you know, people are going to be coming and they're going to say, why? Why can't I have what I want? And shouldn't you be providing it for me? This is just, you know, basic human question, right? Why can't I have what I want? What's the problem? Well, after two or three mornings of this, I had been serving the

[08:39]

breakfast and then we, somebody came out of the meditation hall and said, Suzuki Roshi wants everybody in the meditation hall, he's going to give a lecture. So we went in, it's very exciting, a lecture, and he said, I really don't understand you Americans. When you put so much milk and sugar on your cereal, how are you going to taste the true spirit of the grain? Did you think that you could make every moment of your life taste just the way you like it too? Why don't you see if you can taste the true spirit of the grain? Why don't you see if you can taste the true spirit of the moment? Why don't you see if you can taste your own true spirit? Why don't you see if you can taste the way things are

[09:41]

instead of trying to make everything taste the way you want it to? So we put away all of our condiments except for then we started serving toasted ground sesame seeds and salt. To this day now we serve, you know, sesame salt with a lot of our meals and some people just go ahead and put it on everything so that everything tastes the same. This is, you know, like toasted sesame salt. This is different, you know, this is the Zen school so it's everything tastes like toasted sesame salt. You know, rather than like the St. Francis apparently put ash on everything so it all tastes the same. So you wouldn't get too involved with

[10:41]

what tastes like what. Anyway, so I've been thinking a lot about this somehow. I'm sorry I haven't become much of an advanced practitioner after all these years. I'm just starting over again, you see. Why don't I taste the true spirit of the moment? But I have been noticing, partly I noticed, I've thought of this because I've been noticing how tempting it is to want to make things taste the way I want them to or moments be the way I'd like them to. I do have my preferences. I have some taste after all and it would be nice if after, you know, years of practice maybe I could become more skillful at making things taste the way I want or would I become more developed at tasting the way things are. Do you

[11:45]

understand the difference here? After I'd been cooking for a while I realized that I had a flavor in mind that I wanted things to taste like that I thought was good. Of course not everybody agreed. So what will you do? And then sometimes people would come in the kitchen and say the oatmeal this morning was too runny. It needs to be thicker. We have a lot of work to do. We were in those days digging by hand our septic tank. Do you understand how much work that is? Day after day after day, you

[12:48]

know, to get down to, you know, 12 foot deep and about 12 foot square and hauling dirt out of there and you can just get a backhoe in for an afternoon and it's done. And then, you know, if the oatmeal was thicker another group of people came in, the oatmeal this morning was too thick. What will you do? How can any of us, you know, speaking of you know, who are you trying to please? You walk around outside or, you know, here you are and there's no help for it. You know, some people will respond in various ways. There's no way to have everybody be happy. So I discovered, you know, I would

[13:56]

just have to do something. And I also noticed that I wanted a particular taste. Do you understand? And then I thought, I finally decided, like, why don't I taste like, you know, lentils? What's the true spirit of lentils? Before you add the onions and the garlic and the oregano and if you were a meat eater, you know, the ham bone and, you know, the parmesan cheese. What do lentils taste like? What do beets taste like? What's the, you know, true spirit of broccoli? And, you know, can anything, you know, can something be the way it is or do you have to make it taste a certain way? So I started tasting things very carefully to see if I could appreciate the way something tastes, the way

[14:57]

something is. And it means sometimes, you know, things are tart, sometimes things are sweet, sometimes things are bitter, pungent, spicy, plain. And what do you feel about your own mind or being? You know, how do you want it to be? Is there a way, a flavor you want and you're missing? Can you make, can you make it that flavor, your life? Can you make it taste the way you want to? Is there, so you know, classic kind of Zen teaching. A Zen master named Tenke said, see with your eyes, smell with your nose, taste with your tongue. Nothing in the universe is hidden. What else would you have me say? And of course, what you want

[16:04]

him to say is, how do I make it taste the way I want it to? Tell me that, why don't you? And then he would probably say, you know, there's not enough milk and sugar in the whole universe. Or, you know, upside-down idea. Not a good plan. Well, so I've been, you know, so what are we doing in meditation? You know, it's very tempting to think, oh, why don't I empty my mind? Or calm my mind? Or pacify my mind? Or free my mind? Or, you know, and then what would indicate that I'd done that, except that it tastes the way I want it to? So it's easy to come up with various endeavors that one might try to

[17:08]

do in meditation. Not so long ago, I came across a little book. A friend of mine gave it to me. It's a little hand-lettered book. I have it here. And I would like to offer you some teachings from my latest. This is a little book by a woman named Lynn de Danone. And Lynn, it's called Conversations with the Inner Dog. Conversations with the Inner Dog. Do you know, like, Kadagiri Rishi, you know, dogs have a long history in Zen. You know, Kadagiri Rishi used to say, Zen is not like training your dog. Sit. Feel. Sit. Quiet. And many people have understood that Zen practice is actually like, you

[18:10]

know, getting reacquainted with the inner dog. Now this is, she's talking actually to her dog, okay. I'm talking about the dog inside. You know, some people have said, when you practice Zen, you will begin to realize after a while that there's a dog down in the basement that you locked up there a long time ago. And it wants to get out. And in the meantime, it's upset that you have locked it down in the basement. And a long time ago, you put it in the basement because, you know, the dog was doing some things that people did not find appropriate and suitable. And they said, too much, the oatmeal's too thin, the oatmeal's too thick, it's this, it's that. And you said, oh, okay, well, I won't serve that anymore. And you put the dog down, but, you know, maybe it was a little too, maybe it laughed a little too much, or it barked, or it yapped, or it played a little too much, it wasn't quiet enough anyway. Put it in the

[19:10]

basement. And then, if the dog is whimpering or whining down there, move up a floor or two. Until where you are in your life, it's quiet enough, you don't have to hear the dog. This is otherwise known as your head. Huh? Live in your head and pay no attention to the dog in the basement. So, unfortunately, or fortunately, as it were, you know, Zen is about, you know, settling the self on the self, or, you know, moving downstairs and then encountering, re-encountering the dog within that you abandoned long ago. And usually, you know, once you've abandoned it long, there's two things that happens. You know, there's a stage in abandonment of resentment and whimpering and whining, and then after that, it just goes into, you know, lethargia, lethargic, lethargy, you know, there's no energy there. Huh? Right? Any of you used to this in your lives?

[20:11]

Anyway, some of us, we've encountered this kind of dog. And then, when you first are encountering the dog, often it's mad. It's angry. You left me here. I don't want to have anything to do with you. And then, you know, some people consider Zen practices, you see, you get the food on a little dish and then you push it across the room on a stick. I would like to be your friend once again. I'm not sure how to do this, but here, have a little food. And eventually, you know, you're saying, you know, you can invite your dog, the inner dog, you yourself, you know, back into mixed company, you know. But the interesting thing, of course, is, you know, it's only the initial response of the dog that's, you know, resentment and anger and, you know, and then there's also a little fear like it will be pushed

[21:12]

back in the basement again, you know. So, and there's a little anxiety and worry and then, but at some point, you know, that's also a dog that's very playful, right? Playful and happy and energetic. This is your energy and your vitality and your creativity and, you know, your big life that's available once you get to know your inner dog. Now, this is actually talking to your dog, the one out there. So, I want to read you about, and I think it's kind of interesting because, you know, you could use this to talk to your dog or to talk to your other dog, you know, the one inside. She doesn't suggest this in here. She's presenting this as though it's just talking to the dog out there. Do you understand? I mean, let's just keep it simple like we're just talking about the dog out there, how to talk. But she was having trouble with

[22:14]

her dog and no matter how she tried to train her dog, the dog wasn't getting very well trained and so she didn't know what to do. And finally one day, her dog that she says is a black and white Springer Spaniel lashed out at another little smaller dog, barking at him viciously and fiercely. And she said that was the last straw. And so she says, I began talking with him about this behavior and to my surprise, he listened attentively. From then on, I began to tell him stories and his behavior began to change. I deliberately tried not to tell him what to do, but to pose problems to encourage him to think and to allow him to decide what to do. In short, I

[23:16]

think she's created a series of conversations here with her dog. So I thought I'd just read you a couple. They're pretty short. Just see a little flavor of, you know, how to speak to the inner dog. Do you think, oh, this one is called dog training number four, heal but don't follow. Do you think I'm crazy trying to teach you? Well, I'm not. But it is a bit tricky trying to teach a dog. I don't want you to follow me. Do you understand? It's a paradox. I want you to heal but not follow. I mean, I don't want a brainwashed dog. I want you to heal because you will be safe and we will be together. We'll be on the path together.

[24:21]

Won't that be nice? But it isn't important. You may have to go into the woods for a while. You may need to encounter bears and deer and rabbits. They may be your teachers. So I don't want you to do what I say just because you believe I know better or because you believe you will be punished if you do not. I want you to wake up and stop being mechanical. I want you to see what all this teaching points to and not simply master each little trick to satisfy me. You've been setting up any little tricks for yourself to master? Of course, you can learn to chase the ball or bring back a

[25:24]

stick. So what? What does any of that matter? You will be like the pious man who knows how to kneel and pray, sip the wine and munch the bread and hasn't a clue about God. Well, of course, none of us do, but some of us know that we don't know. Remember, the person who holds the other end of the leash is a fool as well. Think about that for a while. I thought that was pretty nice. It's so

[26:26]

easy to set up things to get done and make happen, isn't it? Make things the way you want them to be, you know, learn little tricks, quiet your mind, sit still, be quiet, whatever, you know, little performances that you can put on for yourself or others. And what was the point? The one doing the training, you know, the dog trainer, the one doing the training, the one making up the tricks, the one on the other end of the leash is a fool as well. And that's often the one who needs a little waking up and, you know, give it a rest as far as like teaching the dog tricks. And rather than, you know, and rather than, that's like, you know, adding the milk and the sugar. It's a little trick you teach yourself. So what about just learning to appreciate how you are? Well, here's

[27:31]

another short one. Dog training number six. Observe yourself and your thoughts today as you loll about in the shade of the cherry tree on your lawn or as you run mindlessly up the driveway to bark at any passing automobile. Watch how easily you are distracted. Well, if it works for a dog, I would think it might work for us. But anyway, I've unfortunately or fortunately never been very good at training my dog. So I'm kind of, I'm afraid not very, you know, my dog isn't very well trained, I'm afraid. But, you know, that's the way it goes. Do

[28:31]

you understand? Is your dog pretty well trained? Mine gets out a lot and tends to, you know, like I was in Cleveland recently and I was teaching a contemplative cooking class. Do you know how people advertise these things? Ed Brown will teach a contemplative cooking class. I mean, they have no idea. Not a clue. And even before the class, I try to warn people, you know, because of all of my past experiences in cooking classes, I try to warn people. And I said, you know, I'm feeling kind of anxious about this class today and how it's going to come out. And right away the woman says, but you've done so much Zen meditation, why are you anxious?

[29:34]

Like, yeah, if you've done a lot of Zen meditation, you'd have a completely well-trained dog who just was never anxious and just did all the right kind of tricks. Huh? Jumped through just the right kind of hoops with just the right kind of demeanor. Had just the perfect kind of performance, like it was some kind of dog show. Oh sure. You know, that was so different, you know, a couple years ago, several years ago, I was at Tassajara and I told the people, I'm really kind of anxious before my retreat. You know, and I've just had to move my cabin and it hasn't happened and I don't know where my stuff is. It's out in some carts and it needs some white sheets there and, you know, et cetera. And then right away the woman sitting next to me, she said, oh, you're anxious? I'm anxious too. And then she grabs my hand and she pulls it right up

[30:39]

to her chest and by golly, her heart's going thump, [...] thump. You are anxious. And, you know, we're friends to this day. We're talking about, you know, one dog meets another. I mean, this is how you get to be friends. You know, you don't get to be friends by, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you know that actually I'm terribly anxious. And I'm just, because I wouldn't even want to recognize it myself because if I recognized it and acknowledged it you might notice it too and I think it's better to be in denial about what I'm really feeling and pretend that I'm not. Don't you? Isn't that a good thing to do? Oh sure. So then I went into a whole rant about of course I'm feeling what I'm feeling thank you very much and I don't need you to tell me and I know what I'm feeling okay I'm not gonna hide it or deny it you know

[31:47]

and maybe you could try that too and as a matter of fact why don't you you know and then as a matter of fact you know I am responsible for this class today and you're not. Anyway you know so so much for you know years of Zen practice and getting my dog well trained you know but I have been having these conversations with the inner dog you know just trying to sort things out it's trying to what is important finally you know since it's not going to happen and interestingly enough you know there's this basic issue of it just doesn't taste the way I want it to and is there a possibility you know this is Buddhism noble truth number one right it doesn't taste the way I want it to I'm not the kind of person I'd like to be things are happening that I don't find tasteful I

[32:49]

find them distasteful do you understand a lot of things happen like that and so I've been practicing for years now and I'm still haven't come to rest with that okay you understand it is you know now and again I come to rest with that that's noble truth number three that it's possible to come to rest with the fact that it just doesn't taste the way I want it to and there's not enough milk and sugar in the universe to do anything about it man and then you might have to just eat it anyway yeah I thought you were a Zen chef can't you do something with it to make it palatable I don't think so so when I think about it

[33:56]

there's two or there's two sort of you know what is the true spirit or can you taste the true spirit or when you start to unadorned you know unadulterated what's it like you know when you don't cover it when you don't fix it manipulate it fuss with it control it you know try to help you know make it the way it should be what is it like then so there's kind of two ways you know we study this all right one way is it's sweet it's sour it's salty it's bitter it's pungent it's plain it's anger it's shame it's disappointment it's thinking it's seen hearing smelling tasting it's you know we have names and labels for these things it's judgment you know it's my idea and then the other way is

[35:05]

you know it's not anything in particular finally you know there's no reality or you know it's Buddha nature we say you yourself are not anyone in particular and as soon as you put a name on who you are or a description that's not you that's an object of your awareness that you put a label on that's not you who's putting on labels and you who's putting on labels is just a name so you yourself you know have no name and you're also someone who's angry and scared and ashamed and you know judging so the true taste you know is also that there's no there's nothing that's fixed there's nothing that's final and then as far as I can tell you know our tradition isn't finally about you know becoming you know

[36:11]

being able to be skilled you know at dog training so our tradition our tradition says things like our teaching is passed down from the ancient Buddhists we don't talk about meditation we don't talk about meditation or spiritual progress how could you measure you know meditation or spiritual progress except by you know how skillful you are at the particular trick you're learning so we're not talking about that in Zen no and this is you know the Zen teacher Shuto so and then classic phrase you know in Soto Zen mind itself is Buddha mind itself your own aware essence is holy worthy compassionate you know it's

[37:15]

empty has no and there's no Buddha but we use Buddha as a kind of word to point to preciousness of your mind of mind itself the aware essence which is nameless which is beyond which has no description and it's various descriptions mind itself is Buddha Buddha sentient beings mind enlightenment affliction different words for the same thing your own aware essence is still and complete neither finite nor eternal not defiled not pure the aware essence our own aware essence mind itself never mind itself never had a problem this is a kind of trust or confidence or you know we sometimes say faith in mind and

[38:17]

everything that's happening is like you know why can't you tell me how to make it taste the way I want but your mind is already you know functioning Shuto says outside outside of the patterns so your mind will right away give you various pieces of information that are outside the pattern outside of the way you're to make things your mind is free from the start your mind was never bound mind is always free mind is not or we could say mind is not liberated you know not bound not liberated the aware essence so this is just to have some confidence you know and you know so many things happen whoa I mean when I was younger I had no idea but so many things happen and it's very challenging to to meet life moment

[39:25]

after moment but it's um it is possible to rest at least now and again in the flavor the taste and then you know in the true spirit of things tasting the way things are which is you know an example of that is Suzuki Roshi one time somebody said who are you and he said I'm someone who you can see and hear and listen to you know color sound smell and I'm someone beyond description each of us is like this unsure spirit of things is like this you know there's a description and it's beyond description and we can rest in that so again it was very sweet

[40:33]

coming into the room today and feeling you settled feeling the room settled and the sense of you know tasting this moment not getting too involved with how to fix it you know learning the next trick what to do about this how to handle that I don't know I'm sure there are people can help you with those tricks but I'm sorry I won't be able to anyway thank you so much for your lovely presence lessons tension I vow to be kind, to be kind to others.

[42:16]

I vow to save them. Delusions are impossible. I vow to end them. The dark law negates the darkness. I vow to enter them. The good way is unsuccessful. I vow to be kind.

[42:44]

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