First, having it to see and listen to, to remember and accept, I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good morning. How do I do this? Good morning. We're still here. I wanted to start this morning to share with you a quote from Suzuki Roshi.

[01:10]

Suzuki Roshi died in 1971. It's hard to believe, since I knew the man, that I'm that old. Anyway, this is from a lecture called Calmness of Mind. If you're not familiar, he uses the word shikantaza, which is a way of talking about meditation. It's not a word that's easy to define, but sometimes it's considered to be beyond thinking, or not thinking, or free of thinking. But you'll see in this quote that Suzuki Roshi has his own way of talking about it, what is zen meditation, shikantaza.

[02:15]

So he says, shikantaza, or zazen, is just to be ourselves. Shikantaza, or zazen, is just to be ourselves. When we do not expect anything, we can be ourselves. This is our practice, to live fully in each moment of time. This practice continues forever. So for a period of time each day, try to practice shikantaza without moving, without expecting anything, as if you were in your last moment of time.

[03:26]

Moment after moment, or in each inhalation and in each exhalation, there are countless instances of time. Your intention is to live fully in each instant. First practice smoothly exhaling, then inhaling. Calmness of mind is beyond the end of your exhalation. If you, when you exhale smoothly, completely, without even trying to exhale, you are entering the complete, perfect calmness of your mind.

[04:38]

You no longer exist. Then naturally your inhalation will start from there. So moment after moment, practice exhaling smoothly, fading into emptiness. You become one with everything when you exhale with this feeling. Then you will inhale, oh, I'm alive, fortunately or unfortunately. Then you disappear into emptiness. Shikantaza or zazen is just to be ourselves.

[06:05]

Now this is not very simple, is it? Just to be yourself. And what would that be like? How do you know when you're yourself? Or when you know you're not exactly yourself, you're caught by something, some idea, some feeling, some belief. You're caught by your beauty or your intelligence or your capacity, your creativity, your energy, your work. It's easy to be caught, isn't it? Or is that being yourself? So this is not a simple point. Suzuki Roshi says, when you do not expect, when we do not expect anything, then you can be yourself.

[07:08]

It's pretty hard not to expect anything. The next moment. But as soon as you expect something, you know, what happens to this moment? Toss it aside, get to the one you're expecting. And then are you fully living in this instant of time? It's easy to toss aside our moments, waiting for the one we've been expecting. The one we've been hoping for. And pretty soon it's too late. Today, I very much have in mind my mom, Ann, who died on the 4th of July. Some of you knew my mom, Ann.

[08:11]

She married my father when I was seven. So she's been my mom for a little over 50 years. My first mom was only my mom for three years, but you know, that counts. My original parents thought that, you know, kids forget. They won't remember their mom after she dies. You know, they're so little, they're so small. And, you know, they'll just forget. And then when dad remarries, they'll just switch over all that mom stuff to the new woman in dad's life. My mom died, my birth mom died of cancer. So when I was seven, my dad remarried, and that's when I started to know Ann.

[09:19]

My mom remembers Ann, remembers when I first accepted her as my mom. My brother, who was older, never quite did. Not in the same way. So one evening I had gotten caught in the window to the bedroom, which the bedroom I had went right to the backyard. So I had been climbing in and out the window or something, and I got caught, and I was yelling. And she came and rescued me. And then after she got me ready for bed, and I was lying in bed, and she said, you looked at me for the longest time, and then you said, no more brown eyes, but I have you. No more brown eyes, but I have you. So my mother Ann had kind of gray eyes, or gray-green eyes.

[10:31]

So we connected. And more recently, my mom was a member of my Thursday night meditation group for as long as my meditation group lasted, which was 12 years or so. And she was, I think, the most faithful member of my meditation group. She came even on the Thursdays that I wasn't there. When we had substitutes. And I think her favorite Zen expression was, don't put another head over your head. Something Nyogen Senzaki said. Nyogen Senzaki was, you know, a Japanese. Well, I just found out, well, he was, you know, I thought he was Japanese. He taught Zen, finally, in Los Angeles, also in San Francisco. Later had a Zendo in Los Angeles.

[11:37]

It turns out he was an orphan. He was born on the Kamchak, you know, the Russian peninsula, Kamchak. Kamchak, Kamchakra? Ka? Kamchaka? Ka, okay, anyway. His father, they're not sure, his mother was Japanese. His father was Chinese, Russian, Asiatic. And a Japanese monk found him as a baby beside his dead mother. His mother had died in the snow. And a Japanese monk found the baby. Or little boy, and took him back to Japan. And he was adopted by the Senzakis. And then later he came to America and taught Zen. Akinroshi was a student of his in Los Angeles, and Paul Reps. Interesting, unusual man. But he said, he made a scroll, finally, towards the end of his life.

[12:42]

And he said, don't put another head. Dear, you know, fellow students of the Dharma. He never, you know, considered himself exactly a master. He referred to himself as a fellow student of the Dharma. Dear fellow students of the Dharma. These are my last words to you. Don't put another head over your head. So which is, you know, putting another head over your head? It's a little bit like expecting something. When we do not expect anything, we can be ourselves. You know, there's another head that comes along and says, usually it's kind of judging, making judgments, thoughts. Why didn't you say such and such? You know, you should have. There's lots of these things. Why don't you?

[13:44]

It would be good. That's terrible. It goes on and on, that other head above your head. It knows better than you do. Apparently, you know, several people have told me when someone close to you dies, the most tempting thing is to go into self-judgment. It was even more intense when my mom was in the hospital and we had to decide, do we keep her alive or not? What would be the right thing to do? Probably many of you have been in this situation. Sometimes it's pets. I was talking with a friend and she said,

[14:47]

oh, I have some friends who have an 18-year-old dog. It crawls on two legs. It's incontinent. It sleeps in front of their fireplace at night and they clean up after it in the morning, but they don't want to put it down in the parlance. I said, setting aside putting it down, they could not give it food and water. But anyway, it's difficult to fade into emptiness, to let someone else or someone you love fade into emptiness. I've had a fair amount of practice, though, fading into emptiness. I'm not too worried. And I read this passage to my mom while she was in the hospital. She never woke up, really, and I'm not sure she comprehended. The stroke that she had

[15:50]

was right between comprehension and speech. So they said, even with six months to two years of rehab, you know, at 88, work hard, mom. This is for somebody who said, I'm tired of doing anything. I don't want to do anything, but sit in my chair and read. And the neurologist said, she will never read again and understand what she's reading. So I read to my mom, why don't you, you know, encouraging my mom to fade away into emptiness. You know, and her body, anyway, became, you know, softer. Anyway, it's tempting that other head,

[16:58]

you know, above your head. Wouldn't it be good to keep her alive and to have her be an invalid and to be in a wheelchair and have somebody feed her? And wouldn't that be a good teaching for her? And, you know, her brother said that is not what she would want. Can you tell me how many moments in your life are the moment that you want? Yeah, so I guess she had a lot of, you know, she had 80 years of practice already at, you know, moments that she might not have wanted. And then, you know, it would be kind of insulting and kind of an indignity to be an invalid at that age, more so than she was already, which is extremely frustrating for her. And maybe she hadn't learned her lesson yet, so maybe she should hang on and have further ones. But then, you know, when she can't comprehend the lessons she's having,

[18:00]

I don't know. So we decided to let her go. She had asked me, you know, to be in charge, you know, attorney for health care. And it says on the document, do not keep me alive if I am terminally ill. And the neurologist said, but Ed, your mom is not terminally ill. It's true, you know, you have a stroke, you're not terminally ill. It's not like pneumonia. So I said, no, unfortunately, she's terminally alive. What should we do? I asked my mom, mom, please give me a sign

[19:02]

what to do. So I decided when they couldn't get the feeding tube in her, it was a sign. Feeding tubes are not easy to get into people. So then I told him, don't take her down to radiology and try to put it in with this, you know, x-ray and scope and, you know, all the rest of this. We're going to let her go. And one of the nurses said, what, you're not going to give her food? And the other nurse said, it's okay. I think, you know, personally, I find many moments in my life insulting. Many moments of my life, I suffer indignities. Many moments of my life, I am like an invalid.

[20:04]

It felt like an invalid to have that war in Iraq happen. And yet, you know, we give our heart to things and we give our heart to things out of love, finally, not because, you know, it's going to come back. I think, you know, these days, Suzuki Rishi's expression, you know, was to honor your inmost wish, your inmost intention. What is your inmost wish? I find that, you know, much more for me, you know, the language of that, very much my language and certainly my mom's language. You know, the language of Christianity is more like, you need to stop being angry

[21:12]

because God commands it. And I think, where is that coming from? Is that, you know, a head above my head? Where did that creep in? Why wouldn't I honor my inmost wish, which is to not be angry with people? That's my wish. That's mine. And it's not exactly mine, like it's mine and not yours. It's, you know, everybody's wish. Everybody's, when you're yourself, you're not angry. When you're angry, you know, it's very hard to own it. Sometimes when you're angry you could be yourself, but a lot of the time when you're angry, something else is, you know, you're afflicted. You're not yourself. And sometimes people say that. That's not me. That's not like me to get angry like this. I'm sorry.

[22:12]

So it's, you know, our inmost wish towards ourself to not be angry. It's our essence to have compassion and to be kind, to be patient. And then we get caught. You know, we get caught expecting another moment. You know, anger is about expecting some moment and then you were aiming for that moment and working so hard for that moment and you were going to get that moment and then something gets in the way. I'm very familiar with it. I've been studying anger for years. In Christianity they call that playing God. Because, you know, if you were God you could get your way, theoretically. You know, moment after moment would not have to be insulting and indignity and you wouldn't have to, you know, be an invalid and helpless, you know,

[23:17]

to bring about the thing that you wanted. So this is also, you know, in another kind of language, you know, that was surrender. To exhale smoothly, completely, enter into the perfect calmness of your mind. You let go. We let go and we're one. We're calm. We're quiet. And we inhale and we come back to life, fortunately or unfortunately. So I have a little bit of, you know, these little judgments about my mom. She was, um, I spent the month of June getting my mom moved to the Redwoods. The retirement home in Mill Valley. And, um,

[24:18]

it was something I had talked with her about for about two years. And then she finally lived there for two days, had a stroke, and died. So was that a mistake? Did I, was I wrong to try to get her to go to the Redwoods? People say, some people say to me, I guess your mom didn't really want to go to the Redwoods, did she? Well, that's a little about, like, you know, people who have, oh, I don't know, you know, recently a friend of mine, like, you know, sprained her ankle. She's having a great time at home, you know, not working,

[25:21]

you know, not running around town, not doing all these things. And she's having a wonderful time and she's visiting with friends and reading and, you know, puttering around the garden a little bit. I said, did you have to sprain your ankle to just take some time off? Couldn't you just take some time off? Anyway, my mom being the person she is, because she was not loathe to express her opinion. When we first went to the, well, we had various trips to the Redwoods. And when she first saw those little rooms, well, this was finally in the personal care unit because there's such a long waiting list for the Redwoods. She'd been on the waiting list since 1997 for independent living. And then for a year and a half for the assisted living. So finally they said that she could move into personal care. And one day, you know,

[26:26]

you know, is it in her interest or is it in mine, you know, that she moved to the Redwoods? I used to tell my mom, Mom, maybe you like living in your home here. You know, you've been here for more than 45 years. Who wants to leave their home? Huh? I used to joke with her, Mom, one way or another you're going to be leaving home one of these days. Anyway, she didn't want to leave her home. And my daughter's been living with her for two and a half years now. So that was really great for my mom. And every time I'd say my mom, she'd say, your daughter is so wonderful. You know that, don't you? And it's funny, you know, how every time she'd say that

[27:27]

I would be annoyed. I know you told me that, Mom. I know. Oh, so you still think that. Oh, so you want to tell me again. Okay. You know, when somebody's gone, it's true that you realize you could have loved them more. When any, you know, this is just the way it is. We could have loved more. We could love more now, today, this moment, instant. This is living fully is to love. So finally, my daughter used to call me up and say, Dad, you know, you really need to do something about Ann. She wouldn't tell that

[28:28]

to her grandmother. Partly why grandmother thought she was such a wonderful person. She'd tell me, you need to do something. And, so one of the things that happened, actually, I decided, somebody said to me at one point, Ed, your mom is not a problem. Your mom is a project. That made it a lot easier. You know, just an ongoing project rather than a problem you could solve and have done with. You know, you're trying to, when there's a problem, you're trying to solve it, you solve these things, you get over them, you get beyond them, you're, you know, now you're free. You can do what you want. And a lot of good that's done me. I mean, it's not like I got, you know, I've been happy just doing what I want. Oh, well.

[29:31]

So I decided, all right, my mom's a project. And I just do, work a little bit on the project day in and day out, you know, year in and year out, week in and week out. And it'll just be ongoing. So I kept working on my mom and I'd do things, you know, I'd take her to the acupuncturist and take her to the doctors and take her for a blood test and we'd go out to eat. And so we were, we were doing a lot of things together. And so we had a pretty nice time. Me and my project. And, and, you know, for years, my mom was someone who in her own way, my mom did become rather sweet. You know, for years, she would say things like she would go on about the Republicans stole the election and she would be so intense and furious. They just stole the election and that Supreme Court is so shameful.

[30:36]

And, and then the Catholics. And my, and, you know, I see in the meantime, my brother's become a Catholic. So all the more reason, you know, and she used to say, your dad and I did not work all of our lives to give money to the Catholic Church. She's, she's worried that, you know, my brother is going to give all the money, you know, that she gives him to the Catholic Church. And, and then she'd say, we raised you boys to think for yourselves. And now he's raising his boys not to. But finally, you know, my mom actually got to where she was anxious or frustrated about, you know, things that were happening to her, you know, like whether, you know, bowels, whether the bowels are moving or not. But also then, you know, instead of telling me what was wrong with the Republicans or the Catholics,

[31:37]

she started finally saying, you know, thank you so much. Thank you for, you know, doing things with me. Thank you for taking me to the doctors. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you. Bless you. You and Liken are, have just been so, I don't know what I'd do without you. Bless you. Thank you. And it was so nice to actually be with her and where she was expressing this kind of feeling finally, rather than when I'd see her. And sometimes I say, mom, you know, I know I can't do anything about the Republicans. Okay. Or the Supreme Court, or the election, or the war in Iraq. I didn't know what to do. And then she'd say, sometimes she'd say, don't tell me what I can talk about in my own house. So finally we got to,

[32:54]

you know, just be with each other. And I used to, you know, massage your feet or shoulders or neck. And I carried around arnica oil with me all the time. Just in case I'd run into my mom. It's not exactly just in case, but I'd have it for when I did go to my mom's because I wouldn't always remember to take it. So finally I just kept it in my bag. I had some arnica and some arthritis pain relief. And I'd give her a massage. And I'd take her to the acupuncturist and massage her feet while she was getting needles stuck in. But she was, for a while there, she insisted she was going to live long enough to see the Republicans out of office and to see my daughter graduate from physical therapy school. So, I explained to her when she was in a coma or, you know,

[33:54]

not waking up at the hospital. I don't know if technically that's a coma or not, but I told her, you know, we're going to have to let go of that one, Mom. You know, the business about the Republicans, we're going to have to just let go of that and, you know, let, we'll just see what happens, you know. I don't know what will happen. And we'll have to, and we'll let go of, you know, you don't have to be here to make sure that your daughter graduates from physical therapy school. At some point, we let go of all the things that seemed so important, so crucial. You know, so, such an indignity, such an insult. We were going to get back, make up, prove, show, affirm, you know, all these things

[34:55]

we were going to do. And you can let go and fade into emptiness. Complete, perfect calmness, one with everything. Then you'll inhale and see what you want to do. Maybe it won't be quite the same. It's so easy to get caught up. There was someone here, yesterday I had a one-day, little one-day sitting from nine to five. And one of the people who came to the sitting said that a friend of his called him and was in the middle of a divorce and they talked for a while on the phone. And he had no idea how upset this person was. And he said three days later he read in the paper that he had murdered his wife, two small children, and then shot himself. It's painful,

[36:05]

you know, we get caught. We get caught up in things. You know, in a different vein, and, you know, it's confusion, it's confused. What do we do? You know, all I can do is send, you know, loving kindness to everyone, compassion. My heart goes out to them. When I told a friend of mine about my mom, she said, I asked her also about her granddaughter who had been in the hospital with spinal meningitis. Two years old. And her daughter was fine, her granddaughter was fine. She said, but, you know, her little friend who went into the hospital the same day with spinal meningitis was in the hospital for six weeks or two months. And in the hospital she went from 32 pounds to 17 pounds.

[37:06]

She died twice. And her parents had her brought back twice. So she's now alive, two years old, with permanent brain damage and heart disease. This is how hard it is to let go. It's very hard just to let go. So we, Suzuki Roshi says, so each day try to practice shikantaza without moving, without expecting anything. As if this were your last moment. Thank you very much.

[38:15]

Blessings. Our intention equally penetrate every being and place. With the true merit of Buddha's way we will continue

[39:36]

to shikantaza of Buddha's way. May it resound to the gospel I have vowed to be true. Good morning and welcome to Greenbelt. Now in a

[40:36]

few minutes there will be tea served outside these doors. There'll be tea and muffins and there's vegetables for sale today and jam and flowers and I'm pretty sure there's bread as well. And then after about half an hour, 20 minutes you can return here for a question and answer session with the speaker today. At 12.45 there's lunch and then a few upcoming events. Next Saturday the 19th there's a traditional one-day sitting with the abbot Linda Ruth Hurst. You can sign up in the office if you haven't sat a one-day sitting before. You need to talk to me first so leave a number where I can call you or come and see me afterwards. And on Sunday the 20th from 1.30 to 3 there's a tea gathering in the tea house. So you

[41:37]

can find out more about these in the office. If you'd like a table of today's talk, you can order one in the office. And we really rely on your donations. There's donation baskets outside the doors, so please consider donating to bring out. Today we can leave all the cushions on the platforms and leave the cushions on the floor and just take out three rows of chairs and the rest should go out to the closet behind. There's a ceremony here this afternoon so we'll leave the cushions there. Thank you very much for coming. And then we'll make a muffin volunteer. Thank you. [...]

[42:40]

Thank you. Thank you.

[42:43]

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